Muggy Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I once farted in my neighbours biscuit tin before quickly sealing the lid. Then watched in amusement as the children raided in and began munching through the fart-laden biscuits. f**k, that is gruesome. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pub car king Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) When I was eighteen and was first driving me and my mate were out one night driving around aimlessly when we went past the local park the council must have left the gate open for access. So on we went for a burn about did a few handbrake turns got bored and fucked off turns out I had inadvertently demolished all the cricket pitches there were a few angry Indians moaning to the council that they couldn't finish the season Edited November 21, 2011 by pub car king 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I could believe it happening once, for sure, but the same thing happening to the same guy twice?? No 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drs Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I'm wondering how anyone would work out it was the milk making them pee more often than usual. I was on a course of diuretics a couple of years ago for a medical problem and the doctor warned me there could be side effects - :angry: For the time I was on them I was shitting like crazy. Skitters every few hours or so and every single one of them at the velocity of Concorde - couldnt sit down properly for a week. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Last weekend I wolf whistled two female police officers on Sauchihall Street at 3am. When they turned around looking angry at my lack of respect for them as officers of the law my response was to sing NWA's hip hop anthem "f**k the Police". Apparently this is an arrestable offence, but because they were busy they said they'd take my name and address. I gave them my flatmates name, with the impossible to detect two doors down as my address. Edited November 21, 2011 by Guest 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Aye, so... bought two 50/50 half time draw strips on Saturday. The guy ripped out an extra one by mistake but I dishonestly kept my mouth shut. Turns out I missed out by a single number which the guy before me would have got. Karma's a bitch. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 When I was a lad, I pished into a barbeque at an old folk's home. They were all inside and the BBQ was left unattended to heat up. There was nothing on it at the time, so it's not all bad. At a party at a friend's house, I threw his bird's toothbrush out the upstairs bathroom window at two mates who were smoking outside. When said bird later asked where her toothbrush was, I feigned ignorance as to it's whereabouts. One time in Dunfermline I was walking back along Halbeath Road from the Elizabeathen into town to catch a bus when an overwhemling need to shit grabbed me. I had to drop an otter behind the billboards just by the big roundabout and had to wipe with my underwear, which I assume remain there to this day. This of course was before they built the wee road through that area. I once let off the worst ever fart I've ever had to misfortune to detect, both in the nostil and tongue area, and somehow managed to shift the blame to a flatmate. Everyone believed me and thought he was a hideous tink. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Phoenix Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 DA, please don't take this the wrong way but all four of your ripping yarns fit into the "you had to be there" category for me. PS I'm glad I wasn't. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marshmallo Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paris Hilltoon Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I have a habit of pocketing items from supermarkets that don't scan on the self service. Chilli and cream eggs being the most recent. Also when working at a sports centre, when cashing up at the end of the day, if the till had more cash than the computer though it had, rather than completing the necessary paper work. My co-worker and I, would simply split the proceeds. Paying for rounds with bent notes is also loads of fun. I am a nasty S O B. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordieBoy80 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I used to have a habit of pulling someone's chair away from them as they were about to sit down when I was at school and done it several times without detection, one day a lassie in the class thought she'd pull the same jape(it was always the same victim as well), got caught by the teacher and got one hell of a bollocking while I sat and sniggered. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paris Hilltoon Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I also once shat in my own back yard. Was locked out and desperate. Thankfully the garage was open so i could at least get at the stash of bog roll. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CALDERON Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 When I was 18, I went to Dyce ASDA to grab some food. Went round, did my shopping and came back to find my car wasnt where I thought I left it. No matter, it was lunchtime in Dyce, carpark was heaving and its easy to get lost. Still, couldnt find it anywhere. The way Dyce ASDA was at the time, there was a little slip road that lead to from the exit of the car park to the exit of the Petrol Station. To my horror, I saw my car at the very bottom. I had left my handbrake off, my car had rolled down the entire car park (about 200 yards), had somehow missed the wall at the bottom and slotted through the exit of the car park (which crossed the exit of a busy as f**k petrol station) and came to a rest at the bottom. That was a bit of a wake up call to be more careful! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doulikefish Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 When I was 18, I went to Dyce ASDA to grab some food. Went round, did my shopping and came back to find my car wasnt where I thought I left it. No matter, it was lunchtime in Dyce, carpark was heaving and its easy to get lost. Still, couldnt find it anywhere. The way Dyce ASDA was at the time, there was a little slip road that lead to from the exit of the car park to the exit of the Petrol Station. To my horror, I saw my car at the very bottom. I had left my handbrake off, my car had rolled down the entire car park (about 200 yards), had somehow missed the wall at the bottom and slotted through the exit of the car park (which crossed the exit of a busy as f**k petrol station) and came to a rest at the bottom. That was a bit of a wake up call to be more careful! Holy shit you were lucky that asda is always heaving 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CALDERON Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Tell me about it Always leave the car in gear as well as the handbrake on now! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phanni tikklar Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 My granny used to do the best home baking ever. One day when I was about 9 or 10 me and my mate went round to my granny's for some chocolate crispys, rum truffles and snowballs. Only on arriving there was no one home, but the front window was open a tad. And me being a skinny determined wee git (at the time) thought I'd just get in grab some cakes leave through the front door and nobody would ever know. It was all going to plan. But on the way out the front door my grandparents boxer rushed past me, dodged my mate and disappeared into the distance. The really unfortunate thing for me, was that that dog was never seen again. I panicked and confessed all to my mum. Everybody in the family was looking for that dog. But to no avail. To say I got in a bit of bother for that was an understatement. Poor Sheba. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drooper Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) About 20 years ago, having graduated with a useless social science degree (or the Dusty Bin award as I preferred to refer to it as ), I resigned myself to having to do a bit of voluntary work in order to stand any chance of getting a job so I could feel good about contributing to society in a selfless manner. Alzheimer Scotland had a day centre in Riccartsbar Avenue in Paisley at the time, so I thought I'd give that a go a couple of days a week. On my first morning, after being introduced to some of the staff, it was suggested that I go out in the bus to collect the clients from around Paisley and surrounding areas. As we collected folks with varying degrees of dementia, I was settling into it, and becoming less freaked out. Some of the folk were still functioning at a reasonable level, and I managed to strike up a bit of chat now and again. In Foxbar, we collected a wee woman called Mary. Mary seemed a cheery enough type and opted to sit at the front of the bus with the driver, the support escort, and me. She was a bit of a blether, and I switched off after a while. Back at the centre, we had a tea break mid-morning and I sat with the others in the staff room. The centre manager asked how I'd found the bus run that morning. Fine, I replied, it was interesting to note the different levels of dementia that the folks had, and how some still managed to communicate pretty well. Wee Mary, for example, the bold Drooper continued, she was able to blether away quite the thing, though you could tell that she wasn't that well and struggled a bit at times. The room went a bit quiet, and the manager spoke first.... Mary's the cook. Edited November 28, 2011 by Drooper 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the jambo-rocker Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 When we used to get those 5p cartons of milk in primary, I'd just pull my tray out and throw mine down the back (you's all had personal wee trays to keep work, stationary etc in, right?). Anyway, come the peak of summer, there was a bit of a stench coming from the tray cabinet and it took folk a while to work out what and where it was. The teacher said she'd make us wait until after the bell unless someone owned up but we all just left when it went. Power in numbers and all that, even at the age of 10. I also smashed the window of the same classroom a couple of years on. We were pelting the walls and windows after school with clumps of mud, only that mine happened to have a rock hidden in the middle. I also did a similar thing (minus the smashed windows) with a new block of flats which had taken the place of our beloved 'Gang Trees', basically an area of superhigh, overgrown grass with paths throughout - a mecca for hide-and-seek (later to be called Man-Hunt) lovers around the world. Absolutely caked the entire side of the place just in time for all the potential buyers to come along. The owner saw us, and chased us about in his car. I took a shortcut, ran home and even changed all my clothes for some reason. I stayed in the whole day knowing he'd be crawling the streets hunting me down and all went well until I had to go onto the driveway to wave goodbye to my grandparents who were visiting. You can guess who drove past at that precise moment... A bit of topic but I remember those days. We used shout the name that we had unofficially labelled them with everytime we threw one. MUCKFUCK!!.......(splat) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Raccoon Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I once wiped my arse on a tramps bedding. He wasn't in it if it's any better. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I once wiped my arse on a tramps bedding. He wasn't in it if it's any better.I doubt if your shite improved it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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