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kiwififer

Out of the mouth of babes...

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Cant mind how this conversation started

Vicki: Pirates arent real though

Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays

Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up

Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people

Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff?

:lol:

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She's a smart lass, but my fiancee comes out with some corkers. I posted this in a similar thread earlier in the year, so might as well put it in again.

Few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were looking for a cheap hotel up in Aberdeen as she had a training course. She finds one (the Aberdeen Hilton Treetops Hotel) on a hotel booking website and says "it's lovely, and in a nice big old castle".

I have a look on their website and it looks a bit, well, shit. She can't understand why it's not showing the castle, but then I find it - the hotel booking website only goes and shows a picture of Balmoral Castle under "Attractions in Aberdeenshire", and for some reason she managed to take this to mean that the castle was the hotel.

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My good lady was looking for a new camera and I did some browsing on the net for her, shouted upstairs that I'd found her a decent one at a decent price. 'How many pickles?' Was her retort.laugh.gif

Bless.

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Was in class today discussing what super powers would be nice to have when a girl behind me shouts "I wish we could see in 3D all the time!" :lol:

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There was a girl in my class at school who came away with a couple of good ones.

After reading MacBeth this girl in my class during the class discussion starts going on about how her gran is from Scotland and that means she is half Scottish and all this malarky and then my teacher started talking about how he went to Scotland for a holiday a couple of years ago to which the girl replies "Is Scotland still a country?"

Another one is when one of my classmates was absent and the teacher asked us where he was and we told him he was over in India visiting his dad who works for a telecommunications company over there and then the same girl says "Hold on. They have phones in India?"

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haha just reading through, this is gold.

bump

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Missus - "Y'know I didnt think that when looking at a menu and it said lamb that it came from lambs. And did you know that kebab meat is lamb?"

Me - "What?! Aye of course I knew this (well its debatable haha). Wait a minute...you said you don't like lamb have you ever tried it except from a kebab?"

Missus - "No but I tried a porkchop and I didn't like it so I know I wont like lamb..."

Me - "A porkchop comes from pigs"

Missus - "Does it? But I like bacon...."

Sometimes I wonder....

Then the other week there her dad was picking her up from work and she just saw a silver Ford Focus outside her work and jumped in it......

...............her dad was parked across the street.

Edited by 11thHour

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Then the other week there her dad was picking her up from work and she just saw a silver Ford Focus outside her work and jumped in it......

...............her dad was parked across the street.

My auntie did that, but it wasn't even the same kind of car. She was being picked up by someone driving a navy blue Focus, and instead she jumped into the passenger seat of some boy-racer's navy Corsa. He shat it, she casually said "Oh, nice car!" and got back out again.

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First steady girlfriend, way back in the early 70's. She was 17, I was 19, and home on leave from the army.

I stayed at her mum's house and kipped on the couch for the night (aye right).

Anyway, sitting down for breakfast, thinking "this is the biz, I got a shag last night, and her maw thinks the sun shines out ma erse".

Up pipes the girlfriend, " Mum! do you both have to cum at the same time to get pregnant?". Cue the coughing fit wi cornflakes spewing out ma nose. Her mum gives her a straight answer and disnae even flinch.

That was one crazy fucked up family, and thankfully I ditched her before I ended up stuck wi her.

Having seen her in the street recently, time hasnae been very kind tae her, after 6 bairns and too much bevvie and drugs :o

Narrow squeak :D

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Im off to the junior cup final on sunday, the wife asked me who musselburgh are playing, "auchinleck" i replied. Her reply was pricelss - "Is that the team they played in the semi-final?" :lol:

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When bernard matthews died there was a headline which read "Turkey legend bernard matthews dies"

My gf said "bernard matthews....thats a strange name for a turkish guy"

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Feeling pleased when making a fine attempt at sport and telling of my "horse nearly winning but for the horseless rider".

Feeling not so please when I asked her to imagine a wee man in colourfull silks sprinting down the course at forty miles an hour.

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I'm not sure if I posted it above or not, but my brother and his wife were watching the news and the female newsreader comes on with a blue-green dress and starts to read the news

''There's been a car bomb in Iraq today. 130 killed and 200 injured.....'''

His wife shouts ''OH MY GOD''

He replies ''Terrible, isn't it?''

His wife ''What the hell is she wearing?''

Not a girlfriend or a babe by any means, by my friend once asked why we were playing Egypt when Scotland were playing the Faroes in November.

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A couple of belters from my younger brother's other half:-

*whilst watching the Queens Christmas Day speech with our family* "Who's that old lady?"

*on returning from watching Peter Jackson's King Kong in Inverness and being asked how it was* "It was sad and I cried, nobody told me the big monkey got shot"

She's in her mid-20's.

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Talking to my girlfriend when I came back from university.

Me: "Oh, we were studying Bloody Sunday today."

Her: *straightfaced* "It's Monday though blink.gif"

And in the same conversation

Me: "I've got to hand it in tomorrow cause it's the 29th."

Her: "So what's the date today?"

Edited by NotThePars

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*on returning from watching Peter Jackson's King Kong in Inverness and being asked how it was* "It was sad and I cried, nobody told me the big monkey got shot"

She's in her mid-20's.

Spoiler tags FFS

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