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kiwififer

Out of the mouth of babes...

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Watching a Man Utd Champions League game last year, my other half came out with the following:

(As Rafael is taking a throw in)

Other Half : "Oh Rafael, I know his second name!"

Me: "What's that?"

Other Half (with a smug glint): "Rafael Nadal!"

huh.gif

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Chatting up a wee piece not long ago, doing the usual small talk 'can you guess my name - begins with P - contains 4 letters - biblical name?'

'Peter?'

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Was once out for a drive with an old girlfriend.

Went over the Erskine bridge and down to Balloch. 'There's Loch Lomond' I pointed out, helpfully.

'No, is that not miles away?' She asked.

'Nope, that's definately it there'

'Really?' she asked 'So that's where the Loch Ness monster is?'

I hesitated... looked round at her to see if she was joking. 'No... that would be Loch NESS.'

Think I had to stop the car to roll about laughing for 5 minutes.

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Also - remember years ago my mum got a new car and was working nightshift.

She kept coming in moaning that the clock was broke, and could I look at it. It's always at 1025, can you set it for me etc etc.

Didn't really bother but one time she was giving me a lift somewhere and pointed it out.

'Look - 1025 the clock says' she points out.

'Mum, you're listening to Radio Clyde which is 102.5 FM! That's no the time!?!?'

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Watching the world cup final with the missus.

Me: "God I wish they would shut up with that f****n vuvuzela"

Her: "Vuvuzela? Is that the African National Anthem? Why are Spain and Holland singing that?"

unsure.gif

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A girl I used to work with thought that Elvis sang "Return to Senga".

Another asked one day "What day is Good Friday on?"

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A girl I used to work with thought that Elvis sang "Return to Senga".

laugh.gif hahaha that's brilliant!

Although, you have just wasted that song for me forever....well...she has.

Edited by Mik

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Me and my Mrs were at her friends house and my Mrs was having a bit of a bad day. Sat down to dinner and my wife got a couple of words mixed up in a sentence and frustrated by her inability to get anything right that day came out with the single greatest line I have ever heard. Trying to say "ignore me I've had my head up my arse today / too many things on my mind" she came away with..............

"Just ignore me, I've had too many things up my arse today"

Blood vessels were burst we laughed so hard. :lol:

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I knew a girl in school who thought Brazil was a part of France :blink: . How she can even come to this conclusion is anyones guess.

This reminds of a time when I was in 4th year. A girl in my class was totally convinced that Belgium was next to Russia :blink:

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I don't recall the exact conversation, but about 8 years ago or so my in-laws had their central heating converted to main gas.

Anyway I was sat at their dinning table and I somehow happened to mention something about the hot water in the radiators (This is the bit of the conversation I can't remember on how it came about).

Anyway my mother in law says "We don't have water in the radiators anymore, we had it converted to gas"

Me : "Yeah, but it's still hot water that is pumped through the radiators"

Mother-in-law : "No son you don't understand, we've already had it changed over, we are fully converted to gas now"

Me : "I know that, but the gas just heats the water which is still pumped around the radiators"

Mother-in-law " No, we used to have water heated from the fire for the radiators, now we are fully gas central heating"

Me (realising that when my mother in law knows something there is no point in trying to convince her otherwise) : "Yeah, your right - silly me"

I know someone who thought that too, she also painted the ceiling with gloss paint.

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Also, anyone watch the show Pointless the other day (I know this isn't a ladyfriend, but it's a cracker.)

The question was "Name a US state with a coastline" or something similar

Anyway, it was the turn of a secondary school maths teacher.

His answer was,

"Mexico"

Edited by Mr. Brightside

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Also, anyone watch the show Pointless the other day (I know this isn't a ladyfriend, but it's a cracker.)

The question was "Name a US state with a coastline" or something similar

Anyway, it was the turn of a secondary school maths teacher.

His answer was,

"Mexico"

I heard about that one :lol:

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There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment".

On holiday, we meet up with two guys from Aberdeen, one of them has a kilt and a saltire tie on.

Vicki: Why are you wearing a kilt and a scotland flag tie?

Russell: Because im from Aberdeen

Vicki: Aye but is Aberdeen not in England?

Watching Rangers play Barcelona in CL

Vicki: Why are Rangers playing Barcelona?

Me: Because its the Champions League, teams can play other teams from Europe

Vicki: Aye but Barcelona is a country

Me: ...........w-what?

Vicki: Barcelona's a country is it not?

Playing Articulate with the Parentals

Vicki: Eh its cold, full of snow...eh....y'know really cold and windy, nobody lives there cause there's nothing but snow.

my mum: Eh North Pole, South Pole, Antarctic

Vicki: No, no, no

Eventually the round ends

My mum: What was that snow one where nobody lives

Vicki: Eh Poland!

Carrying boxes out of her flat

Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else.

Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me

Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them

Vicki stands there not knowing what to do

Me: Whit ye doin?!

Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!

Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX!

One day at her work

Some guy: Hi, im here to top up the vending machine

Vicki: We have a vending machine?

Some guy: Aye its in the ladies toilets

Vicki: You mean ive been going to the shops for chocolate and we have a vending machine in here?

Some guy: No its a tampon machine.

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My missus was telling people about a drinking game she had done once

Vicki: So you say the name of a famous person and the next person has to think of another famous person who's first name starts with the first letter of the original famous persons last name, so if you say Andre Agassi the next person has to think of someone who's first name starts with G

Me: A you mean

Vicki: No G for Agassi

Everyone just looks at her as the hamster wheel starts to turn

Vicki: Oh aye A haha

Cant mind how this conversation started

Vicki: Pirates arent real though

Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays

Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up

Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people

Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff?

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There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment".

On holiday, we meet up with two guys from Aberdeen, one of them has a kilt and a saltire tie on.

Vicki: Why are you wearing a kilt and a scotland flag tie?

Russell: Because im from Aberdeen

Vicki: Aye but is Aberdeen not in England?

Watching Rangers play Barcelona in CL

Vicki: Why are Rangers playing Barcelona?

Me: Because its the Champions League, teams can play other teams from Europe

Vicki: Aye but Barcelona is a country

Me: ...........w-what?

Vicki: Barcelona's a country is it not?

Playing Articulate with the Parentals

Vicki: Eh its cold, full of snow...eh....y'know really cold and windy, nobody lives there cause there's nothing but snow.

my mum: Eh North Pole, South Pole, Antarctic

Vicki: No, no, no

Eventually the round ends

My mum: What was that snow one where nobody lives

Vicki: Eh Poland!

Carrying boxes out of her flat

Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else.

Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me

Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them

Vicki stands there not knowing what to do

Me: Whit ye doin?!

Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!

Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX!

One day at her work

Some guy: Hi, im here to top up the vending machine

Vicki: We have a vending machine?

Some guy: Aye its in the ladies toilets

Vicki: You mean ive been going to the shops for chocolate and we have a vending machine in here?

Some guy: No its a tampon machine.

My missus was telling people about a drinking game she had done once

Vicki: So you say the name of a famous person and the next person has to think of another famous person who's first name starts with the first letter of the original famous persons last name, so if you say Andre Agassi the next person has to think of someone who's first name starts with G

Me: A you mean

Vicki: No G for Agassi

Everyone just looks at her as the hamster wheel starts to turn

Vicki: Oh aye A haha

Cant mind how this conversation started

Vicki: Pirates arent real though

Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays

Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up

Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people

Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff?

Those are all absolute crackers. Should post them in the jokes thread!!

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There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment".

Carrying boxes out of her flat

Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else.

Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me

Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them

Vicki stands there not knowing what to do

Me: Whit ye doin?!

Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!

Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX!

I was in tears after this. Brilliant

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Those are all absolute crackers. Should post them in the jokes thread!!

And thats just the ones I can remember laugh.gif

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