kiwififer Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 I was asking my missus what she would do if she won the lotto. 'Invest in jugs' was the answer. Jugs is the name of her pals pub in Perth before anyone asks 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 My mum didnt know which direction you would go to get from Scotland to England Talking about some place I now can't remember: My mum: Where is that? Me: It's in the west end. My mum: So is that on the Haymarket side of Princes Street or towards Leith? Me: You've lived here for 15 years, how can you know know which side is east and which is west? My mum: I know where they both are, I just don't know which one's east and west. (looking like it's not that obvious and why would she know) Me: OK, think of it this way, Glasgow is west of here, so around Haymarket is obviously west as it's closer to Glasgow. My mum: How do you know that? I should've laughed, but I was actually angry. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 The Missus: "So how close to England is T in the Park? And the other day there she was meant to go to Whitburn and somehow ended up at Glasgow Airport, her excuse was that she "got on the wrong M8" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiG Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Girl at work: "How many days are in September this year?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyline Drifter Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Girl at work: "How many days are in September this year?" Reminds me of the time 'Twynholm' posted on here in all seriousness once asking what date Hogmanay fell on that year? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mik Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I love this thread 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Looking at portable DVD players the other day there, and I had already showed her the one I liked on my Argos app. So I told her it was a Panasonic and she sits next to me with the catalogue and goes "Panasonic...Panasonic....Panasonic...7 inch screen ye said?" "aye" "oh is that it there? LG?" Edited August 9, 2011 by 11thHour 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Flicking through the radio channels in the car, she stops on the classic station. Oh thats mozarts 8th sympathy. How do you know that's Mozart? Sounds like his violent style Ok. How do you know its his 8th Cause I only heard a wee bit of the other 7 Ok so what was he sympathetic to? A sympathy is orchestral music . *sigh* and that's my other half -3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Cuddy Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 My 5 year old niece decided to start writing her Christmas list the other day. She asked her mum how to spell "DVD". She's the same girl that, just a few weeks back, declared that she couldn't go to bed because she had forgotten what colour her eyes were and had to look in the mirror to check. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monster Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 The wife turned to me a couple of weeks ago with a serious look and said, gravely: "Look, we might have to buy a new car." Me: "Why?" "Well, it might take a while for my ankle to fully recover, and it would be ideal if we had an automatic car." Me: ".........." She's broken her RIGHT ankle. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Dufresne Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 The wife turned to me a couple of weeks ago with a serious look and said, gravely: "Look, we might have to buy a new car." Me: "Why?" "Well, it might take a while for my ankle to fully recover, and it would be ideal if we had an automatic car." Me: ".........." She's broken her RIGHT ankle. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nkomo-A-Gogo Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 driving on the motorway the other night i was asked how the cats eyes know when a car is coming 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 This proved to me why I should never take women to football. My girlfriend was determined she was coming with me to Dingwall to see Elgin play Ross County, and she wanted to wear my Elgin top as well. Fair enough I thought, and we had a good drink in the Mallard beforehand. All going well. She claims to be a 'huge' football fan as well, but I've taken the piss constantly since then because she came out with lines like: "Why are they walking off the pitch?" It was half time. "Why have they switched sides?" Second half. "Why isn't the manager wearing an Elgin top?" WHAT THE f**k EVEN 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Flicking through the radio channels in the car, she stops on the classic station. Oh thats mozarts 8th sympathy. How do you know that's Mozart? Sounds like his violent style Ok. How do you know its his 8th Cause I only heard a wee bit of the other 7 Ok so what was he sympathetic to? A sympathy is orchestral music . *sigh* and that's my other half To be fair, you can hardly blame her if you're calling it a sympathy! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) To be fair, you can hardly blame her if you're calling it a sympathy! that was paritally the point!! hence why i asked what he was 'Sympathetic' to i didnt know if it was mozart, i dont know if he had an '8th' and i certainly didnt know where his sympathies lie. i could have told you it was on classic. it was orchestral and it was pish, but she had to tell me it was mozarts 8th 'sympathy' ETA: convo goes her - me - her -me. just realised it wasnt obviously clear Edited August 10, 2011 by weirdcal 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEY_SIDNEY Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 my best mates fiance turns to him and says....because its your Johns birthday, does that mean its Thomas' aswell........... John and Thomas are twins.......epic tears followed 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave258 Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 my best mates fiance turns to him and says....because its your Johns birthday, does that mean its Thomas' aswell........... John and Thomas are twins.......epic tears followed John... Thomas? Were their parents high? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jordo1872 Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Me he missus took the dog for a walk last weekend. He's a collie cross-breed and generally a bit of an arsehole, so we keep him on a leash. During the walk she turned and asked if i could hold him tight as there was another dog further on and our one could make a charge for it, adding that she didn't want him pulling me over. I disputed this saying that, at 15st, our 5st collie would be unlikely to pull me over anyway. Her response: "Yeah but you're forgetting he has four limps, you only have two..." She's a Vascular Scientist. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oht Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 1. Mate and his girlfriend came up from England to the football a couple of years back. Asked which team we were supporting. Us: "Ayr". Her: "And are they the ones in the yellow bibs or the blue bibs". She was pointing at the Ayr squad warming up with a game of 5s. 2. My girlfriend didn't realise that Tunisia was in Africa. She followed it up a few weeks later when we were laughing about it with, "I'm still not sure though, is it a city or an island?". I'd like to give her some benefit of the doubt and think she was thinking of Tunis, I really would. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maccanee Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 (edited) Watching Braveheart with the gf and the English cavalry have just been rattled to bits, she turns to me all smug and says, "Ha, if I was King Edward I would've won that battle!" Naturally I was confused by her apparent talent in battle strategy so I asked her how. "Easy!" she exclaimed, "I would have used unicorns instead of horses, they would have smashed the Scottish army to bits." "Um, unicorns aren't real Sara." "Yeah they are, well not now their extinct but back then...." I had to leave the room for a good ten minutes to regain some form of composure. Edited August 10, 2011 by maccanee -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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