dubs Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Chatting up a wee piece not long ago, doing the usual small talk 'can you guess my name - begins with P - contains 4 letters - biblical name?' 'Peter?' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piehutt Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Was once out for a drive with an old girlfriend. Went over the Erskine bridge and down to Balloch. 'There's Loch Lomond' I pointed out, helpfully. 'No, is that not miles away?' She asked. 'Nope, that's definately it there' 'Really?' she asked 'So that's where the Loch Ness monster is?' I hesitated... looked round at her to see if she was joking. 'No... that would be Loch NESS.' Think I had to stop the car to roll about laughing for 5 minutes. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piehutt Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Also - remember years ago my mum got a new car and was working nightshift. She kept coming in moaning that the clock was broke, and could I look at it. It's always at 1025, can you set it for me etc etc. Didn't really bother but one time she was giving me a lift somewhere and pointed it out. 'Look - 1025 the clock says' she points out. 'Mum, you're listening to Radio Clyde which is 102.5 FM! That's no the time!?!?' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King_Leonidas Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Watching the world cup final with the missus. Me: "God I wish they would shut up with that f****n vuvuzela" Her: "Vuvuzela? Is that the African National Anthem? Why are Spain and Holland singing that?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qpsnapper Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 A girl I used to work with thought that Elvis sang "Return to Senga". Another asked one day "What day is Good Friday on?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mik Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 (edited) A girl I used to work with thought that Elvis sang "Return to Senga". hahaha that's brilliant! Although, you have just wasted that song for me forever....well...she has. Edited September 15, 2010 by Mik 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adolfo Rios Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Me and my Mrs were at her friends house and my Mrs was having a bit of a bad day. Sat down to dinner and my wife got a couple of words mixed up in a sentence and frustrated by her inability to get anything right that day came out with the single greatest line I have ever heard. Trying to say "ignore me I've had my head up my arse today / too many things on my mind" she came away with.............. "Just ignore me, I've had too many things up my arse today" Blood vessels were burst we laughed so hard. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Belgian Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 I knew a girl in school who thought Brazil was a part of France . How she can even come to this conclusion is anyones guess. This reminds of a time when I was in 4th year. A girl in my class was totally convinced that Belgium was next to Russia 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoapMactavish Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 If I get pregnant will you support the baby 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Belgian Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 And you said "Naw, it's next to Paisley YAAS!" Na, we just pissed ourselves laughing at her awful geographical skills 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Brightside Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 I don't recall the exact conversation, but about 8 years ago or so my in-laws had their central heating converted to main gas. Anyway I was sat at their dinning table and I somehow happened to mention something about the hot water in the radiators (This is the bit of the conversation I can't remember on how it came about). Anyway my mother in law says "We don't have water in the radiators anymore, we had it converted to gas" Me : "Yeah, but it's still hot water that is pumped through the radiators" Mother-in-law : "No son you don't understand, we've already had it changed over, we are fully converted to gas now" Me : "I know that, but the gas just heats the water which is still pumped around the radiators" Mother-in-law " No, we used to have water heated from the fire for the radiators, now we are fully gas central heating" Me (realising that when my mother in law knows something there is no point in trying to convince her otherwise) : "Yeah, your right - silly me" I know someone who thought that too, she also painted the ceiling with gloss paint. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Brightside Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) Also, anyone watch the show Pointless the other day (I know this isn't a ladyfriend, but it's a cracker.) The question was "Name a US state with a coastline" or something similar Anyway, it was the turn of a secondary school maths teacher. His answer was, "Mexico" Edited September 16, 2010 by Mr. Brightside 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Belgian Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 Also, anyone watch the show Pointless the other day (I know this isn't a ladyfriend, but it's a cracker.) The question was "Name a US state with a coastline" or something similar Anyway, it was the turn of a secondary school maths teacher. His answer was, "Mexico" I heard about that one 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Nightfly Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 My old aunt wants to buy a new tv. An HD, "High Deficiency" model. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment". On holiday, we meet up with two guys from Aberdeen, one of them has a kilt and a saltire tie on. Vicki: Why are you wearing a kilt and a scotland flag tie? Russell: Because im from Aberdeen Vicki: Aye but is Aberdeen not in England? Watching Rangers play Barcelona in CL Vicki: Why are Rangers playing Barcelona? Me: Because its the Champions League, teams can play other teams from Europe Vicki: Aye but Barcelona is a country Me: ...........w-what? Vicki: Barcelona's a country is it not? Playing Articulate with the Parentals Vicki: Eh its cold, full of snow...eh....y'know really cold and windy, nobody lives there cause there's nothing but snow. my mum: Eh North Pole, South Pole, Antarctic Vicki: No, no, no Eventually the round ends My mum: What was that snow one where nobody lives Vicki: Eh Poland! Carrying boxes out of her flat Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else. Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them Vicki stands there not knowing what to do Me: Whit ye doin?! Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX! One day at her work Some guy: Hi, im here to top up the vending machine Vicki: We have a vending machine? Some guy: Aye its in the ladies toilets Vicki: You mean ive been going to the shops for chocolate and we have a vending machine in here? Some guy: No its a tampon machine. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 My missus was telling people about a drinking game she had done once Vicki: So you say the name of a famous person and the next person has to think of another famous person who's first name starts with the first letter of the original famous persons last name, so if you say Andre Agassi the next person has to think of someone who's first name starts with G Me: A you mean Vicki: No G for Agassi Everyone just looks at her as the hamster wheel starts to turn Vicki: Oh aye A haha Cant mind how this conversation started Vicki: Pirates arent real though Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forehead7 Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment". On holiday, we meet up with two guys from Aberdeen, one of them has a kilt and a saltire tie on. Vicki: Why are you wearing a kilt and a scotland flag tie? Russell: Because im from Aberdeen Vicki: Aye but is Aberdeen not in England? Watching Rangers play Barcelona in CL Vicki: Why are Rangers playing Barcelona? Me: Because its the Champions League, teams can play other teams from Europe Vicki: Aye but Barcelona is a country Me: ...........w-what? Vicki: Barcelona's a country is it not? Playing Articulate with the Parentals Vicki: Eh its cold, full of snow...eh....y'know really cold and windy, nobody lives there cause there's nothing but snow. my mum: Eh North Pole, South Pole, Antarctic Vicki: No, no, no Eventually the round ends My mum: What was that snow one where nobody lives Vicki: Eh Poland! Carrying boxes out of her flat Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else. Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them Vicki stands there not knowing what to do Me: Whit ye doin?! Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX! One day at her work Some guy: Hi, im here to top up the vending machine Vicki: We have a vending machine? Some guy: Aye its in the ladies toilets Vicki: You mean ive been going to the shops for chocolate and we have a vending machine in here? Some guy: No its a tampon machine. My missus was telling people about a drinking game she had done once Vicki: So you say the name of a famous person and the next person has to think of another famous person who's first name starts with the first letter of the original famous persons last name, so if you say Andre Agassi the next person has to think of someone who's first name starts with G Me: A you mean Vicki: No G for Agassi Everyone just looks at her as the hamster wheel starts to turn Vicki: Oh aye A haha Cant mind how this conversation started Vicki: Pirates arent real though Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff? Those are all absolute crackers. Should post them in the jokes thread!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Young Andy Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 There's been too many to mention from my missus. She is a typical "dumb blonde" its hilarious. Even she says "I was having a blonde moment". Carrying boxes out of her flat Me: Here put that bin bag on top of this box and ill get the two of them and you can go get something else. Vicki puts the binbag down and comes to take the box off me Me: naw put that binbag on top of this box and i can get the two of them Vicki stands there not knowing what to do Me: Whit ye doin?! Vicki: I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! Me: PUT THE FUCKING BIN BAG ON TOP OF THIS FUCKING BOX! I was in tears after this. Brilliant 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
11thHour Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 Those are all absolute crackers. Should post them in the jokes thread!! And thats just the ones I can remember 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyline Drifter Posted September 16, 2010 Share Posted September 16, 2010 Cant mind how this conversation started Vicki: Pirates arent real though Me: They are real there's pirates kicking about nowadays Vicki: No way Walt Disney made them up Me: haha no he never theres real pirates out there right now attacking people Vicki: What with their hook hands and peg legs and stuff? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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