Out of the mouth of babes...

[Swarley]

You must have been mortified your wife Mum did that.

FTFY

[hk blues]

I've been decorating this week so 2 related ones from me -

1) Wife - "How many coats will the wall need?"

     Me - "Probably 3"

     Wife - "What coat will you do first?"

    Me - " _ _ _     "

2) One of my students asked me this morning If I remove the previous coat of paint before putting on the new one. 

 

[Shandon Par]

Dozing in bed the other (not been well but don’t like to mention it. Don’t think my daughter has ever seen me go to bed unwell before). Heard Mrs come home. Heard daughter say to her “can you go and check if dad’s alive? I really don’t want to have to look at a dead body”. Happily sat watching Netflix for hours thinking I’m decomposing in another room.

[Shandon Par]

1 hour ago, hk blues said:

I've been decorating this week so 2 related ones from me -

1) Wife - "How many coats will the wall need?"

     Me - "Probably 3"

     Wife - "What coat will you do first?"

    Me - " _ _ _     "

2) One of my students asked me this morning If I remove the previous coat of paint before putting on the new one. 

 

You could probably have a decent YouTube channel answering those kind of questions.

[Swarley]

6 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

Dozing in bed the other (not been well but don’t like to mention it. Don’t think my daughter has ever seen me go to bed unwell before). Heard Mrs come home. Heard daughter say to her “can you go and check if dad’s alive? I really don’t want to have to look at a dead body”. Happily sat watching Netflix for hours thinking I’m decomposing in another room.

@KnightswoodVanBear get your best suit on, it's happening. 

Edited July 28, 2022 by Swarley

[hk blues]

1 minute ago, Shandon Par said:

You could probably have a decent YouTube channel answering those kind of questions.

I'll hold my hand up to a related story from when I was in Hong Kong -

We had moved into a new apartment building and most units were still empty.  I painted the walls as they were just plain cream.  My wife was on a business trip so I was "home alone" and decided to take advantage by going out and having a few beers and then a few more.  I made it home and opened the door to the apartment to find it was totally empty, everything was gone.  I genuinely thought we'd been burgled and for a split second I even though the thieving c***s had even stolen the paint off the walls.  Of course, I had mistakenly gone to the apartment on the floor above and as most units were empty the doors were mostly left unlocked.

Whilst I'm at it - When I first got the keys to the above apartment I was looking around the place and checking it out.  Suddenly the front door opened and a 3 folk came in and said "Hello" and then started to nosey around.  After a few seconds of shock I asked them If I could help them and they asked me how much the place was up for sale for.  It was like a scene from "One Foot in the Grave."

 

[KnightswoodBear]

11 minutes ago, Swarley said:

@KnightswoodVanBear get your best suit on, it's happening. 

I think we all know the suit I'll be wearing 

[Shandon Par]

5 minutes ago, hk blues said:

I'll hold my hand up to a related story from when I was in Hong Kong -

We had moved into a new apartment building and most units were still empty.  I painted the walls as they were just plain cream.  My wife was on a business trip so I was "home alone" and decided to take advantage by going out and having a few beers and then a few more.  I made it home and opened the door to the apartment to find it was totally empty, everything was gone.  I genuinely thought we'd been burgled and for a split second I even though the thieving c***s had even stolen the paint off the walls.  Of course, I had mistakenly gone to the apartment on the floor above and as most units were empty the doors were mostly left unlocked.

Whilst I'm at it - When I first got the keys to the above apartment I was looking around the place and checking it out.  Suddenly the front door opened and a 3 folk came in and said "Hello" and then started to nosey around.  After a few seconds of shock I asked them If I could help them and they asked me how much the place was up for sale for.  It was like a scene from "One Foot in the Grave."

 

Mrs worked in an estate agents showing places (London, 1990s). Arranged to show four girls round a house and had arranged it all with the current occupants. No answer at the door so used keys and showed the girls around. Opened one door and there’s a boy on his bed having a w**k. Looked up to see five ladies gawping at him.

[Swarley]

40 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

Mrs worked in an estate agents showing places (London, 1990s). Arranged to show four girls round a house and had arranged it all with the current occupants. No answer at the door so used keys and showed the girls around. Opened one door and there’s a boy on his bed having a w**k. Looked up to see five ladies gawping at him.

How I Met My Wife thread for this pish

[Sergeant Wilson]

On telly "56 years since England last won a major football trophy."

Her "I'm surprised they haven't mentioned 1966 yet."

[Todd_is_God]

Randomly started singing Boney M's Brown Girl in the Ring there.

Odd enough tbh, only she though the lyrics were "Brown finger"

[Shotgun]

She was watching some ice skating thing the other night when there was a mention of the Grenoble Winter Olympics.

"Wait, Grenoble held the Winter Olympics? When was this?"
"Uhm, early 60's I think."
"Oh, so well before the disaster then?"
"What disaster?"
"When the nuclear plant blew up."

Le sigh.

[Boo Khaki]

No real surprise there. Mine didn't know the difference between Dunkirk and Dunkeld.

Oh, and she nearly fainted with shock when it was confirmed that no, India is not 'in Africa'.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Boo Khaki

[Melanius Mullarkey]

“See Robben Island, is it actually an island?”

[the aggressive beggar]

"Swing by KFC and pick me up a Call On Al Bucket"

A fucking what?

"A Call on Al Bucket"

You mean a Colonel Bucket

"NO! It's spelt C-O-L-O-N-E-L.  Call on Al!"

 

 

[Hedgecutter]

On 24/08/2022 at 08:41, Melanius Mullarkay said:

“See Robben Island, is it actually an island?”

In her slight defence here, the Black Isle isn't anywhere near being an isle/island.

[Sergeant Wilson]

On 28/07/2022 at 11:46, hk blues said:

I'll hold my hand up to a related story from when I was in Hong Kong -

We had moved into a new apartment building and most units were still empty.  I painted the walls as they were just plain cream.  My wife was on a business trip so I was "home alone" and decided to take advantage by going out and having a few beers and then a few more.  I made it home and opened the door to the apartment to find it was totally empty, everything was gone.  I genuinely thought we'd been burgled and for a split second I even though the thieving c***s had even stolen the paint off the walls.  Of course, I had mistakenly gone to the apartment on the floor above and as most units were empty the doors were mostly left unlocked.

Whilst I'm at it - When I first got the keys to the above apartment I was looking around the place and checking it out.  Suddenly the front door opened and a 3 folk came in and said "Hello" and then started to nosey around.  After a few seconds of shock I asked them If I could help them and they asked me how much the place was up for sale for.  It was like a scene from "One Foot in the Grave."

 

Two of my mates are sparks. They turned up at a rewire job, explained who the were and got started  A few hours later the boss arrived to check how it was going. He was knocking on the door of the house next door when he noticed the neighbours door open and all sorts of noise. Had a look in and the boys were hard at work in the wrong house.

The woman explained that she thought her husband had arranged a rewire and forgot to tell her.

[hk blues]

17 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Two of my mates are sparks. They turned up at a rewire job, explained who the were and got started  A few hours later the boss arrived to check how it was going. He was knocking on the door of the house next door when he noticed the neighbours door open and all sorts of noise. Had a look in and the boys were hard at work in the wrong house.

The woman explained that she thought her husband had arranged a rewire and forgot to tell her.

This her? -

https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/woman-stunned-builders-renovate-kitchen-24494048

[HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows]

On 02/10/2022 at 11:10, Hedgecutter said:

In her slight defence here, the Black Isle isn't anywhere near being an isle/island.

They are daft oiks who eat tatties raw out the ground so it's not surprising they even fucked that up.

[sugna]

On 02/10/2022 at 12:47, Sergeant Wilson said:

Two of my mates are sparks. They turned up at a rewire job, explained who the were and got started  A few hours later the boss arrived to check how it was going. He was knocking on the door of the house next door when he noticed the neighbours door open and all sorts of noise. Had a look in and the boys were hard at work in the wrong house.

The woman explained that she thought her husband had arranged a rewire and forgot to tell her.

A couple of years ago, my son was living in a top-floor flat on one of the streets off Dalry Road. They had some water ingress through the roof, and he had to go through the pain of getting quotes and agreeing that everyone was up for engaging a selected tenderer. There is indeed always one person in a common stair who treats all such requests with unhelpfulness bordering on indignation - but he eventually got them all to sign up for it.

He wasn't going to be home during the repairs, so he gave them the flat number of someone to buzz, described how to get access to the roof from the stairwell, and confirmed that the main door was "Number 7, 4th door down from Dalry Road".

On the appointed day, a neighbour noticed that the roof was being repaired at number 8, too. The roofers had ignored the door number, counted down the doors from the main road, and fired in there with ladders, tiles and flashing.