Out of the mouth of babes...

[Swarley]

Heh, I might have made a bit of an arse of myself here, but I fervently hope that that gif becomes the new go-to image of Kenneth Williams wherever one is required. If that happens, it will all be worthwhile. 

[Cardinal Richelieu]

[Shandon Par]

Was just on phone to my missus (she was on her hands free thing in car). She said "hold on" and started beeping her horn and shouting at my mum (who had been her passenger). Turns out she had stopped at a cash machine for my mum, who then got her money but got into the wrong car with some random bloke. 

[Shandon Par]

1 minute ago, Bairnardo said:

 

 

And this was AFTER she had received money?

 

 

She never was very good at prostitution. 

[Bert Raccoon]

56 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

She never was very good at prostitution. 

I beg to differ.

[supermik]

1 hour ago, Shandon Par said:

Was just on phone to my missus (she was on her hands free thing in car). She said "hold on" and started beeping her horn and shouting at my mum (who had been her passenger). Turns out she had stopped at a cash machine for my mum, who then got her money but got into the wrong car with some random bloke. 

Had a random woman once get into my car once. It was the same colour as her husbands car which was parked next to me. Took her a few moments to realise as she was rabbiting on about some nonsense or other as she got in and sat down. It was only when my daughter, who was in the back, asked who she was that she realised her mistake. Gutted to be honest as she was a bit of a wid.

[Tommy Nooka]

19 hours ago, Shandon Par said:

Was just on phone to my missus (she was on her hands free thing in car). She said "hold on" and started beeping her horn and shouting at my mum (who had been her passenger). Turns out she had stopped at a cash machine for my mum, who then got her money but got into the wrong car with some random bloke. 

I've done this when I was pished once.

The other half stopped at the shops and I popped in, unbeknownst to me there were 2 almost identical cars parked next to each other. I jumped in the back of the first one I came to and it took me a second to realise there was a terrified lassie staring at me in the mirror, I made my apologies and bolted. Thank Christ I was pissed or I might even have felt embarrassed. 

GF was mortified though. 

[Jacksgranda]

My wife's sitting talking to one of the grandsons - about the neighbours - and came out with this "I didn't know Mae Philips was still living until your mummy rang me to tell me she'd died."

[Gaz FFC]

On Thursday, November 03, 2016 at 17:11, supermik said:

Had a random woman once get into my car once. It was the same colour as her husbands car which was parked next to me. Took her a few moments to realise as she was rabbiting on about some nonsense or other as she got in and sat down. It was only when my daughter, who was in the back, asked who she was that she realised her mistake. Gutted to be honest as she was a bit of a wid.

Next time drive off.

Finders keepers

[Shandon Par]

First time I met my mother in law she was drowning rats in her back garden. News reaches me that she was shoring up a fence in her back garden whilst chatting across the fence to her neighbour. Anyone familiar with heavy mash hammers knows it's a good idea to focus on the task in hand and not chat away to someone as their four year old runs around close to where you are hammering. Result.. the neighbour's four year old kid packed off to A&E after mother in law hit him in head with hammer. 

[BFTD]

On 08/11/2016 at 10:36, Shandon Par said:

First time I met my mother in law she was drowning rats in her back garden. News reaches me that she was shoring up a fence in her back garden whilst chatting across the fence to her neighbour. Anyone familiar with heavy mash hammers knows it's a good idea to focus on the task in hand and not chat away to someone as their four year old runs around close to where you are hammering. Result.. the neighbour's four year old kid packed off to A&E after mother in law hit him in head with hammer. 

They do say that serial killers start off with small animals. I like your posts, Shandon, so I hope you've been treating her daughter well recently.

[welshbairn]

On 08/11/2016 at 10:36, Shandon Par said:

First time I met my mother in law she was drowning rats in her back garden. News reaches me that she was shoring up a fence in her back garden whilst chatting across the fence to her neighbour. Anyone familiar with heavy mash hammers knows it's a good idea to focus on the task in hand and not chat away to someone as their four year old runs around close to where you are hammering. Result.. the neighbour's four year old kid packed off to A&E after mother in law hit him in head with hammer. 

Had to google mash, always known them as lump hammers, but I wouldn't worry, they're pretty tough and the blood, brain and skull fragments should easily wash off.

[Dee Man]

Dee Woman and I saw someone walking home with a shopping trolley the other day and she said, "They obviously don't have the paint lines around the supermarket that stop them getting any further". After telling her that this was just the boundary line to show when the wheels will get locked she told me that no, it was the magnetic paint that stopped them getting any further. 

[Shandon Par]

4 hours ago, welshbairn said:

Had to google mash, always known them as lump hammers, but I wouldn't worry, they're pretty tough and the blood, brain and skull fragments should easily wash off.

She has her rat-drowing bucket to wash it in. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a few cats and hedgehogs floating in there.

[The_Kincardine]

On 11/8/2016 at 10:36, Shandon Par said:

First time I met my mother in law she was drowning rats in her back garden. 

Orwell opened a novel with, "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

Dickens had, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"

Tolstoy had, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".

As an opening line of a novel I reckon Shandon Par trumps the lot.

[Shotgun]

That or the first line of a Les Dawson joke.

[BFTD]

"They were flinging themselves into the water to get away from her"

And now, please welcome The Roly Polys!

[whiskychimp]

We were wandering around the garden centre yesterday (because that's how I roll on a Monday) and there were a ton of those Christmas ornaments with names on.

After looking in vain for our daughter's name, I explained they'll use only the most common names as that gives them the chance to make most money.

My partner responded, "Isn't Mohammed one of the most common names nowadays?"

Not on fucking Christmas decorations, it's not!

Edited November 29, 2016 by whiskychimp

[19QOS19]

We've recently put an offer in on a house. It had a fixed asking price and we offered what the seller was asking. It's been a couple of weeks now and we've only heard verbally that we've had our offer accepted. So I was pretty pleased when I went onto the website and saw our house listed as Under Offer. I had a big smile on my face and showed it to my missus. Her face dropped for some reason and I asked what was up with her?

"Under offer?! But it was a fixed price and we've offered what they were wanting!"

[Gaz FFC]

1 hour ago, 19QOS19 said:

We've recently put an offer in on a house. It had a fixed asking price and we offered what the seller was asking. It's been a couple of weeks now and we've only heard verbally that we've had our offer accepted. So I was pretty pleased when I went onto the website and saw our house listed as Under Offer. I had a big smile on my face and showed it to my missus. Her face dropped for some reason and I asked what was up with her?

"Under offer?! But it was a fixed price and we've offered what they were wanting!"

How many pie boots did you give her?