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I love peanut M&M's. Nonplussed about the 'crispy' ones and am not too fond of the chocolate ones. I have just returned from the local corner confectionery connoisseur cave with a pack of M&M's mix and it's rocketed to the top 3 on my sweet chart.

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There's no right or wrong at times like this. (There is, but you'd need to be quite extreme in your behaviour to get it wrong). My parents popped off and I was ok and moved on. My mates died and he was a bit of a wreck for while. Others are still into visiting graves etc. None of which is for me.

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1 hour ago, DA Baracus said:

I feel a bit guilty as I feel I should be way more upset, but then I know my mum wouldn't want me to be.

Don't be. Different people react in different ways. When my mum died I thought I would be in bits but things just went on as normally as they could.

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My dad died in 2016 and my mum last November. Both times were a mixture of sadness and relief, both had a rough time the last few days so it felt like death was a kindness. In both cases there was too much to do to feel or think about the loss too much, didn't get tearful until the funerals. I was prime carer for both so I'm feeling a smidgeon of irrational guilt about enjoying not having to arrange cover to go to the fitba. Sometimes if my mind's drifting, alone on a bus or something, I start welling up a bit, but they were both in their nineties and were looked after at home till nearly the very end, so it's not them I get sad for, and it's not an unpleasant feeling, just remembering. 

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13 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

Sorry if this isn't the place for this, and apologies for the lengthy post. 


My mum died last Friday. I got a phone call at 02.45 from my dad. At first I thought it was my alarm but thought that it far too early for it, then I realised that it was my ringtone. As soon as I saw that it was my dad calling I knew it wasn't good news and had pretty much guessed what he was going to tell me. He told me that she had just died. He was in absolute bits. All I could manage was just a stunned "Oh". f**k sake.


Got down the road as soon as I could. My two brothers live much closer so were able to get to my dad's house earlier. My mum died at home.


Later found out that my dad has tried doing CPR on her for 20 minutes before the paradamedics arrived, and they then tried for about 45 minutes, along with two shots of adrenaline.


Some more grisly details:


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Seems like she has undiagnosed stomach cancer that no one knew about, probably including her (although she knew something was up), and a tumour had developed that drastically restricted digestion. She hadn't bee ln eating for days, and had lost loads of weight over the last few months. She was due to go to the GP on the day she died. That night she had breathing difficulties and was coughing loads, so my dad called 111 who advised to get her to A&E as soon as he could. He tried to get her to sit up but she wasn't able to and at this point the paradamedics were called. My dad thinks she was dead at this point, literally in his arms, but as noted there were attempts at CPR. She aspirated something vile in and her body was too weak to do anything about it.



Last weekend was a total blur. Me and my brother, and their spouses, were with my dad at his house as much as we could be. He was really not doing well on Friday, which was so hard to see. He thankfully was better on Saturday. On Sunday my mum's brothers, their wives and my gran (my mum's mum) came round. My dad explained the stuff in spoilers and that was really tough.


We went to the funeral director on Tuesday and have sorted everything for the funeral (the week after next). 


I'm strangely doing not too bad. I feel a bit guilty as I feel I should be way more upset, but then I know my mum wouldn't want me to be. I'm not sure if it hasn't fully sunk in yet and maybe after the funeral it really will and things will be tougher, but I'm not sure that will be the case. This will sound fucked up, but I have a feeling of almost 'relief', as my mum had some struggles but they're now over. 


The hardest part has been seeing my dad so upset and how hard it has been on him. Me and my brothers, and their spouses (easier than writing 'wife and husband'!) are doing all we can for him, and he does seem to be doing a lot better, but we don't see him every day when he's alone. It will be a huge adjustment for him. They got married 43 years ago!


There's been much talking and tears but we have a way forward and we're all going to see each other more. My dad had a talk with me where things in the past were discussed, things which used to really upset me, and he expressed remorse and guilt for it, but suddenly it all just doesn't matter any more and what matters is how things will be going forward. There were periods where I didn't see my mum and dad for many months, in a couple of cases over a year, and I think I actually grieved a bit then over that, which may be why I don't feel as bad as I think I maybe should at the moment


I have a strange feeling that my life is now changed and is changing more, and strangely probably for the better (mentally I mean; lots of things that really got to me just don't matter any longer), although of course I would never have wanted that to be at the cost of my mum. I have no doubt there will be tough times going forward, and the funeral will be really hard (I'll be speaking at it), and my dad will struggle at times (he also has chronic lymphocitic leukemia to complicate matters), but I'm strangely optimistic about things and that we can get through this relatively 'unscathed'.


I feel a bit heartless saying such things but I don't mean to, and I hope I don't come across that I didn't love my mum (I did) and am glad she's gone (I'm not) or that I'm not upset (I am). It's clichéd but she wouldn't have wanted me, or the rest of my family, to be so upset and to have her death f**k our lives up.


Anyway, sorry for the long rambling nonsense, but it felt good to type it out.


DA, Sarge hit the nail on the head. There is no “correct” way to react to travails such as these, and anyone crass enough to suggest there is and you should be doing this, that and the other should be flogged. I had a terribly similar experience with my father, including futile CPR attempts. The doctor told us he was dead before he hit the floor with a massive heart attack, so nothing we did or didn’t do made an iota of difference. As such, it was a very strange time, with others seeming to be much more torn up than me, but I didn’t see value in being upset or wailing and demanding answers.

For some people the answer comes in the form of clergy or trusted advisors, others need a physical service or some tangible effort, while still others simply need time to process things in their own way. One thing I did find is anyone who is rude enough to state you are acting “improperly” can be shut down by simply remaining quiet and staring at them until they excuse themselves and get the hell away. That is the one advantage of being the grieving party in this situation.

Your typed explanation makes it abundantly clear that your reaction to this event is spot on what YOU feel your mother would want. Other siblings may see things differently, but each of you has a valid view that should be respected. Just keep bobbing along on this journey, and stay true to YOUR beliefs and feelings.

Sorry for your family’s loss.

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