Pregnancy And Parenting

[SuperSaints1877]

37 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

Any practical advice on what to do with a 1 year old when they’ve learned manipulation through tantrum? 

It can be quite funny but she’s blatantly now having purposeful tantrums to get her own way but it can turn into a proper meltdown if it goes too far. 

I don’t want to go down the route of just giving in to her and the only other sure fire way to calm her down is sticking Sesame Street on YouTube which I really don’t want to rely on either (constant source of disagreement between my wife and I).

 

Ignore the tantrum and do something interesting around her to get her attention. Perhaps involve your partner. Some kind of distraction technique. The worst thing you can do is cave in to the tantrum. Never reward bad behaviour.

[RH33]

Throw a mock tantrum. They then look at you bemused.

 

Actually at time it wasn't mock at all. I'd just had enough and needed a tantrum too!

Edited June 14, 2022 by RH33

[Dons_1988]

14 minutes ago, SuperSaints1877 said:

Ignore the tantrum and do something interesting around her to get her attention. Perhaps involve your partner. Some kind of distraction technique. The worst thing you can do is cave in to the tantrum. Never reward bad behaviour.

Thanks, yeah totally agree don’t give in. It’s just the best way to defuse the situation. 

Distraction seems to be the most common technique, maybe just need to get better at that.

Toys don’t generally work as the tantrum generally involves her throwing them about 

[hk blues]

21 hours ago, shahid khan said:

Picked my boy (6) up from school on Thursday last week. He was learning about "what's in you pants". By the time he went to bed that night, I was called a big penis 8 times and his mum a wee vagina 6 times. He is allowed to show his family his penis but not "the strange men" in the street or playground. Anymore questions? Ask your mother......

That'd be a good night in our place!

[scottsdad]

1 hour ago, Dons_1988 said:

Any practical advice on what to do with a 1 year old when they’ve learned manipulation through tantrum? 

It can be quite funny but she’s blatantly now having purposeful tantrums to get her own way but it can turn into a proper meltdown if it goes too far. 

I don’t want to go down the route of just giving in to her and the only other sure fire way to calm her down is sticking Sesame Street on YouTube which I really don’t want to rely on either (constant source of disagreement between my wife and I).

 

First, never give in. If a kid is having a tantrum in a shop, say, because they want a sweet, then do not buy them a sweet. 

Second, do not give them attention during the tantrum. Don't try to shush them, or try to put on a soothing voice or anything like that. Sometimes a tantrum is just for attention. I agree with @SuperSaints1877 - a distraction can bring it to an end quickly. 

The key think that the kid needs to learn is that tantrums do not work. They don't get rewarded for acting this way. 

[Leith Green]

1 hour ago, Dons_1988 said:

Any practical advice on what to do with a 1 year old when they’ve learned manipulation through tantrum? 

It can be quite funny but she’s blatantly now having purposeful tantrums to get her own way but it can turn into a proper meltdown if it goes too far. 

I don’t want to go down the route of just giving in to her and the only other sure fire way to calm her down is sticking Sesame Street on YouTube which I really don’t want to rely on either (constant source of disagreement between my wife and I).

 

Depends what its for.

If its learned behaviour per your post then as others have mentioned you need to adjust how you react.

If the child is tired then maybe just give them a hug until they calm down - but not giving in to what they want.

Also, is it definitely learned from you? Kids learn from a variety of people - you/grandparents/nursery etc.

Dont beat yourself up, the first year can be soul destroying.

[RH33]

Also if in public, the rugby ball carry out establishment at least a half dozen times in toddler years is normal.

[19QOS19]

Any practical advice on what to do with a 1 year old when they’ve learned manipulation through tantrum? 
It can be quite funny but she’s blatantly now having purposeful tantrums to get her own way but it can turn into a proper meltdown if it goes too far. 
I don’t want to go down the route of just giving in to her and the only other sure fire way to calm her down is sticking Sesame Street on YouTube which I really don’t want to rely on either (constant source of disagreement between my wife and I).
 

Can only echo what's been said. Ignore it. Go about your business until they come out of it. I don't even look the road they're on when my wee ones behave like that; though in their defence it's rare. Possibly because it doesn't get a rise from us. The harder you 'work' just now will determine how easy it gets later on. Have a look at the other thread going about kids in the GN forum the now. A lot of those problems will be because parents want an easy life early on and do the easiest thing to keep the kid quiet. In the long term it makes things worse though.

Throw a mock tantrum. They then look at you bemused.
 
Actually at time it wasn't mock at all. I'd just had enough and needed a tantrum too!

Also if in public, the rugby ball carry out establishment at least a half dozen times in toddler years is normal.

Chuckling away at both these posts as I've done both myself [emoji38]

[Dons_1988]

Cheers everyone, I think the just ignore them route may be best.

I don’t lose my temper when she kicks off so shouldn’t be an issue for me,  can’t say the same for my wife though…

I just wasn’t sure if it was harsh on a baby that’s just turned 1 to blank them. 

And to clarify, I can differentiate between her being genuinely upset and when she’s clearly at it. 

[Sergeant Wilson]

Just now, Dons_1988 said:

Cheers everyone, I think the just ignore them route may be best.

I don’t lose my temper when she kicks off so shouldn’t be an issue for me,  can’t say the same for my wife though…

I just wasn’t sure if it was harsh on a baby that’s just turned 1 to blank them. 

And to clarify, I can differentiate between her being genuinely upset and when she’s clearly at it. 

Skelp her arse. If it works, try it on the wean.

[SuperSaints1877]

I should add when I suggested do something interesting with your partner that does must not involve making another baby. Double trouble!

 

[velo army]

2 hours ago, Dons_1988 said:

Any practical advice on what to do with a 1 year old when they’ve learned manipulation through tantrum? 

It can be quite funny but she’s blatantly now having purposeful tantrums to get her own way but it can turn into a proper meltdown if it goes too far. 

I don’t want to go down the route of just giving in to her and the only other sure fire way to calm her down is sticking Sesame Street on YouTube which I really don’t want to rely on either (constant source of disagreement between my wife and I).

 

What she'll learn if you give in is that her moods and expression of feelings can get her what she wants. It also teaches her that other people are responsible for her feelings. I've known many adult women who are like this (and some fellas) and most of this learning can be traced back to their early years teaching. 

What I've seen done by my parenting geek pals (who are, unlike me, parents) is to ignore the tantrum, but do the minimum to make sure she is safe, while maintaining a neutral tone. What they also do is when she's being "good" is to reward that with positive attention.

One more thing, and I think this is really fucking important. The key to bringing up children to be secure and self loving adults is to be a good enough parent. Not a great one (Winnacott, 1953). I've seen a few of your posts and I glean that you care a lot and you're intimidated by the enormity of the task at hand (and perhaps exaggerating the perceived consequences of fucking up?). You'll mess it up mate, but that will teach your bairn that people f**k up and that the world doesn't revolve around them and their feelings. I imagine bringing her up as a Dons fan will help this also .

She sounds ace.

 

[velo army]

16 hours ago, RH33 said:

By this time next year she'll be texting you to tell you shes a they and is pansexual and non binary......

She'll be a teenager by this point. Absolutely no way she's texting daddio unless it's for a lift.

[Dons_1988]

2 hours ago, velo army said:

What she'll learn if you give in is that her moods and expression of feelings can get her what she wants. It also teaches her that other people are responsible for her feelings. I've known many adult women who are like this (and some fellas) and most of this learning can be traced back to their early years teaching. 

What I've seen done by my parenting geek pals (who are, unlike me, parents) is to ignore the tantrum, but do the minimum to make sure she is safe, while maintaining a neutral tone. What they also do is when she's being "good" is to reward that with positive attention.

One more thing, and I think this is really fucking important. The key to bringing up children to be secure and self loving adults is to be a good enough parent. Not a great one (Winnacott, 1953). I've seen a few of your posts and I glean that you care a lot and you're intimidated by the enormity of the task at hand (and perhaps exaggerating the perceived consequences of fucking up?). You'll mess it up mate, but that will teach your bairn that people f**k up and that the world doesn't revolve around them and their feelings. I imagine bringing her up as a Dons fan will help this also .

She sounds ace.

 

Thanks mate, I know all that to be true but you’re right I do see it a huge task and fear not getting it right. 

We’ll be grand but there’s probably more going on than I necessarily want to share on here that worries me. 

[RH33]

13 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

Thanks mate, I know all that to be true but you’re right I do see it a huge task and fear not getting it right. 

We’ll be grand but there’s probably more going on than I necessarily want to share on here that worries me. 

How is your partner now?

[Honest Saints Fan]

Our 3 year old has some magnificent tantrums. I am far too relaxed to be a parent and often have to go out the room and laugh at the tantrums. 

His behaviour in the last few weeks has been a massive improvement including his sleep and he said to me the other morning after a full night in his own bed with no shouting "mummy are you proud of me"

[velo army]

[the snudge]

I was at the bus stop this morning tking my 4 and 10 year old daughters to nursery and school. Some creepy older guy at the bus stop was doing that whole looking at my ten year old up and down type of thing. Just pure bad vibes off the guy. It wasn't just once or twice. I wasn't sure what to do. I made it well aware that I was watching him. He stopped after that and looked like a scolded dog. I wasn't going to make a scene because I don't know if he mightve had something medically wrong or that and I look like an arsehole but my gut told me he was dodgy.

It was very unnerving to be honest and I've not experienced anything like that. What would you have done?

[The Moonster]

A week on from our girl getting here and what a shit week we've had. My girlfriend was determined to breastfeed but by Thursday night it was clear that not only was she not well at all but the wean was not getting what she needed. We thought it was just the stress and tiredness of breastfeeding not working which had affected her but by Friday morning she was admitted to the RAH with liver problems and we had to switch fully to formula. The last two days were incredibly hard to deal with but thankfully she has improved and we got home earlier tonight with some strong medication. The wean has taken to formula well though and what a difference in her, it's nice to get 3 hours of sleep every now and then. It looks like we'll have a few weeks of hospital trips to check my girlfriends bloods etc. but I'm just glad she's home.

She also had snoring problems that disappeared during pregnancy, but I now lie here with a constant snore on my left and a beautiful wee shitey arsed angel to my right and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

[PWL]

5 hours ago, The Moonster said:

 My girlfriend was determined to breastfeed but by Thursday night it was clear that not only was she not well at all but the wean was not getting what she needed.

Good to hear the three of you are getting on much better. 

Ive said on here before but the breastfeeding fascists that drum into folks heads that they are some sort of 'bad mother' for turning to formula need a good slap. 

My first was over 9lb and Mrs lost a lot of blood during delivery. She was in no fit state and baby was of a size where he needed a full tank full. Both were struggling so I just took decision to go bottle. What a difference. She got rest she needed to recover and baby got sufficient feed to settle.

Midwife's couldnt be nicer but the breast feeding Nazis treated me like a pariah. Feck em.  Second one was even bigger so we gave it 12 hours of trying before going formula. 

You've done the right thing for the three of you.