Pregnancy And Parenting

[Bairnardo]

Thanks all. I don’t think the health visitor would be great tbh. 
She’s found a mums support group that she’s agreed to attend virtually tomorrow night. She does recognise that she’s struggling with it all. 
She doesn’t want pills or anything and I totally understand that. I guess as long as she recognises there’s a problem and she’s taking steps to address them well be alright. 

Certainly wary of giving out any totally poorly informed "advice" on here as only you know the severity of this, but more generally, all three of you will be out the other side of this soon. At this point, time seems to feel like a fucking age, like you cant remember your last full nights sleep etc then when you look back you go "was that really only a few months it was like that".

The general point I'm trying to make that my two *****ht me is, while we're busy worrying about one thing, they are busy growing through it and moving onto the next thing that we will worry like f**k about, and so on.

That said, as you are someone with experience of having, recognising and dealing with mental health issues, aswell as being refreshingly open about them, your Mrs probably couldnt have anyone better to help, and im sure she knows that.

[Bairnardo]

Why is taught in the word filter?

[Jacksgranda]

The bairn was down yesterday - I think I'll call her that from now on, as she's the youngest of them all - and was in good form. She's still a bad colour, it's never really improved since her original spell in hospital.

She's only out of hospital - again - but this time it was "only" an ear infection, thank goodness.

There's nothing wrong with her lungs, anyway.

[Rugster]

4 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Why is taught in the word filter?

There’s an extra asterisk. Did you maybe type t a i g h by mistake 

[Bairnardo]

1 minute ago, Rugster said:

There’s an extra asterisk. Did you maybe type t a i g h by mistake 

Big team found, et cetera. 

[Jacksgranda]

19 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

 

 

Thanks all. I don’t think the health visitor would be great tbh. 

She’s found a mums support group that she’s agreed to attend virtually tomorrow night. She does recognise that she’s struggling with it all. 

She doesn’t want pills or anything and I totally understand that. I guess as long as she recognises there’s a problem and she’s taking steps to address them well be alright. 

 

6 minutes ago, Dons_1988 said:

I think it is. The language she’s used reminds me a lot of me in my darkest moments a few years ago. 

She is point blank refusing to see a GP regardless of what I say. 

I don't want to alarm you any more than you already are, but my second stepdaughter had severe PND that went undiagnosed for a while and that was the root cause of her marriage breaking up in my opinion.

She ended up getting electric treatment, I don't think that did her a lot of good either.

She's fine now and has been for years, but it was a worry at the time.

So see if you can persuade her to see/talk to a professional or self help group (I'm not to keen of the self help approach, but it's a start), although you say she does recognise she has a problem, so that's a start.

[Dons_1988]

43 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

Certainly wary of giving out any totally poorly informed "advice" on here as only you know the severity of this, but more generally, all three of you will be out the other side of this soon. At this point, time seems to feel like a fucking age, like you cant remember your last full nights sleep etc then when you look back you go "was that really only a few months it was like that".

The general point I'm trying to make that my two *****ht me is, while we're busy worrying about one thing, they are busy growing through it and moving onto the next thing that we will worry like f**k about, and so on.

That said, as you are someone with experience of having, recognising and dealing with mental health issues, aswell as being refreshingly open about them, your Mrs probably couldnt have anyone better to help, and im sure she knows that.

That’s good of you to say but I can’t pretend I’m able to impart any sort of wisdom on her because of my own experiences. 

All that’s done is allowed me to manage myself and not react to some of the things that have happened in a totally inappropriate way. I just keep reminding her that I’m not going anywhere, I need her and I’m with her every step of the way. 

But everyone’s experience of this is unique and there’s no silver bullet. I found exercise and diet which saved me but that might not be what saves her. 

[Dons_1988]

I should say amongst my negativity, whilst I’m very concerned about my mrs, I absolutely love being a dad and my daughter is an absolute joy even at a few months old. 

[Busta Nut]

I am a wee bit worried about how dismissive folk are of health visitors.

I am sure yer able to judge your own situation and HV's interest or attitude. I still think you should discuss your concerns with them. Either that or at the health clinic they are based.

Our weans HV was great, she also had a keen interest in how the missus was doing and kept her on track as I know being stuck in the house during lockdown with our first born and zero visitors was hard on her and she struggled at times.

Some folk may have had bad or poor experiences but I wouldn't rule them out man.

Hope all works out.

[Honest Saints Fan]

Our health visitor is an annoying arsehole but I completely understand why she was in our house every other day being nosey after Fraser was born because of my diagnosis and she was obviously worried the impact it would have on my/husbands mental health. I would check if you have access to support workers who work with health visitors but are their to help with feeding worries, weaning, sleep worries etc. They are much more approachable than health visitors IMO. 

I'm glad your partner has reached out to a mum support group too. Going to a weekly baby group with my eldest really helped me. It was an hour I could discuss issues about my daughter with other mums (none of my friends had kids so couldn't help) but also we could just gossip and chat shit too. These same mums, 5 years on, are still my friends and their children are my daughters best friends. It's daunting at first but in my experience the mums at these groups are very welcoming. 

And from a woman's point of view, your partner will probably think this is weird, but I'm open for a PM if she wants to chat to a total stranger but one who has had their own struggles worrying about their children! 

[19QOS19]

Our HV was/is fantastic. Even though I'm aware of her doing it, she would give advice without telling us that's how it should be done. It was always phrased more as a suggestion than an order. A really nice lassie and we weren't afraid to ask her any questions.

She was off one time and another woman came who was just an arsehole. I was rubbing my wee ones belly and she told me I was doing it wrong. With that and some other things I just zoned out from her and kept quiet until she left. With our usual one the poor girl spends about 10 minutes talking about the girls and the rest just blethering away.

Surely HV should be able to communicate in a way that doesn't seem like they are dictating to the parents - particularly those who haven't got any kids of their own.

[RH33]

11 hours ago, Honest Saints Fan said:

Our health visitor is an annoying arsehole but I completely understand why she was in our house every other day being nosey after Fraser was born because of my diagnosis and she was obviously worried the impact it would have on my/husbands mental health. I would check if you have access to support workers who work with health visitors but are their to help with feeding worries, weaning, sleep worries etc. They are much more approachable than health visitors IMO. 

I'm glad your partner has reached out to a mum support group too. Going to a weekly baby group with my eldest really helped me. It was an hour I could discuss issues about my daughter with other mums (none of my friends had kids so couldn't help) but also we could just gossip and chat shit too. These same mums, 5 years on, are still my friends and their children are my daughters best friends. It's daunting at first but in my experience the mums at these groups are very welcoming. 

And from a woman's point of view, your partner will probably think this is weird, but I'm open for a PM if she wants to chat to a total stranger but one who has had their own struggles worrying about their children! 

My HV team had a nurse who wasn't a hv as part of the team and she was brilliant. Much more understanding.

And I'm same re pm a stranger! Between hsf and I we have a five aside team so I'm sure we both can lend a helpful ear!

[scottsdad]

When I was a baby (I am the youngest), my dad apparently told the HV to get out the house and not come back. Something in her manner, talking down to my mum (who had already had 2 kids that were doing fine), he just kicked her out. If anyone tried that now the social services would be round. 

For my own experiences, the health visitors were marvellous. When Scott was ~9 months old he went through a phase of waking up every 90 minutes during the night. The wife and I were like zombies walking around. She came along and saw us, and said something like "we'll get him sleeping all night in two days". I thought she was nuts but she told us what to do, and we stuck to it, and sure enough a couple of days later he was back to sleeping all night. 

[scottsdad]

23 hours ago, oaksoft said:

PND is a bit of a b*****d but it should go away in time.

My wife had it for a year or so after our first was born and it was awful.

She used to suddenly scream for no obvious reason and I remember her launching a dinner plate at me once which narrowly missed my head.

It all went away just after the year mark as quickly as it had arrived and it didn't happen again.

As of last night we are now empty nesters.

It all goes so quickly that it takes your breath away.

Nothing prepares you for that first time you walk into the house and there's absolute silence and you know that nobody will be coming home after work ever again. 20-odd years of chaos and intensity all gone overnight and the realisation that it has to be this way.

Enjoy it while you can folks. It was a brilliant ride and I don't regret any of it.

I am really not looking forward to that day, when they have all gone.

Also, is the desire to launch a plate at your head really a PND symptom?  

[RH33]

3 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

When I was a baby (I am the youngest), my dad apparently told the HV to get out the house and not come back. Something in her manner, talking down to my mum (who had already had 2 kids that were doing fine), he just kicked her out. If anyone tried that now the social services would be round. 

For my own experiences, the health visitors were marvellous. When Scott was ~9 months old he went through a phase of waking up every 90 minutes during the night. The wife and I were like zombies walking around. She came along and saw us, and said something like "we'll get him sleeping all night in two days". I thought she was nuts but she told us what to do, and we stuck to it, and sure enough a couple of days later he was back to sleeping all night. 

Nah, I stopped letting the health visitors visit and had no issues with social services.

 

[Armand 2]

6 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

When Scott was ~9 months old he went through a phase of waking up every 90 minutes during the night. The wife and I were like zombies walking around. She came along and saw us, and said something like "we'll get him sleeping all night in two days". I thought she was nuts but she told us what to do, and we stuck to it, and sure enough a couple of days later he was back to sleeping all night. 

What was the advice on this? Currently experiencing the exact same thing. Wee man was sleeping fairly soundly up until the 4 month mark but is now up during the night every 90 mins / 2 hours on a good night.

[Rugster]

4 minutes ago, RH33 said:

Nah, I stopped letting the health visitors visit and had no issues with social services.

 

I came close to telling ours to f**k off. The way she acted at times when we already had a 3 year old who was absolutely thriving was as if she thought we didn’t know what we were doing in the slightest. 

[scottsdad]

21 minutes ago, Armand 2 said:

What was the advice on this? Currently experiencing the exact same thing. Wee man was sleeping fairly soundly up until the 4 month mark but is now up during the night every 90 mins / 2 hours on a good night.

Part of our problem was that when he was waking up we were going in to his room, picking him up, feeding him, rocking him, and all that.

The advice was very, very simple. After he was put to bed, we were to leave him alone. If he woke up, we could go into his room, rub his belly for a moment so he knew he wasn't alone, and then leave the room. We would go back in every 10 minutes and do the same. It was a horrendous couple of nights as we were sitting downstairs watching the clock for the 10 minutes to come, and all the time he was screaming his lungs out. It was very, very tempting to rush into his room and try to calm him but that would defeat the point. Eventually he tired himself out and went to sleep. 

2 nights of this, and come the third he slept through. Basically if he woke up, he had to learn to put himself back to sleep.

[thistledo]

How is the feeding getting on @Dons_1988? I read the last few posts and it reminded me of when my daughter was only a few months old, she got to this stage where trying to feed her was met with having about an ounce and then screaming the place down. Hugely stressful for me and her mum as she is our first, anyway, a guy I worked with recognised this / had the same experience, recommended Co Lactase and my word what a difference it made, night and day. If the above sounds familiar might be worth a try. 

How is your missus coping? I found the first few months the hardest by miles, you're sleep deprived, this little bundle of joy is crying and won't stop despite doing all the things you are supposed to. I said to the missus one troublesome night "we're not fucking having another one, honestly I can't do this again" now we laugh about it, it's inexperience on our part and we're better now. Speaking with other mums and support groups sound like a great idea, mine is in a WhatsApp group that seem to share everything childbirth and parenting related, I think a lot of it is bashing the fathers as well and just a general outlet for them. 

If you ever need a chat feel free to drop me a PM. 

Edited October 18, 2021 by thistledo

[Dons_1988]

5 hours ago, thistledo said:

How is the feeding getting on @Dons_1988? I read the last few posts and it reminded me of when my daughter was only a few months old, she got to this stage where trying to feed her was met with having about an ounce and then screaming the place down. Hugely stressful for me and her mum as she is our first, anyway, a guy I worked with recognised this / had the same experience, recommended Co Lactase and my word what a difference it made, night and day. If the above sounds familiar might be worth a try. 

How is your missus coping? I found the first few months the hardest by miles, you're sleep deprived, this little bundle of joy is crying and won't stop despite doing all the things you are supposed to. I said to the missus one troublesome night "we're not fucking having another one, honestly I can't do this again" now we laugh about it, it's inexperience on our part and we're better now. Speaking with other mums and support groups sound like a great idea, mine is in a WhatsApp group that seem to share everything childbirth and parenting related, I think a lot of it is bashing the fathers as well and just a general outlet for them. 

If you ever need a chat feel free to drop me a PM. 

Thanks for that. The feeding is still up and down. Friday she had all her bottles, Saturday was terrible and yesterday she had them all again. I really don’t think it’s a big deal now, we bought our own baby scales so we can stay on top of her weight and if she’s losing any we can take action. co lactase looks interesting, might mention to the HV and see what she thinks. I’m still hopeful she’s going to just start taking her milk regularly again. 

The wife is a bit better, Saturday was horrendous but she’s steadied herself. She has the support group tonight which she’s nervous about, think she feels like it’s a bit of a failing to be there. 

I’m just glad she recognises there’s an issue and taking action. It would be far more bleak for me if she refused any help but as long she’s trying I’m all good with it.