th1stleandr0se

I had to buy fanitary products and go through the checkouts. They obviously weren't for me but why did I feel embarrassed by it? Same as when I go through customs at the airport. I feel I look guilty when I don't have a single piece of contraband on me.

I once found a fly embedded into a bar of chocolate I'd bought and put it aside to return with a "give me loads of chocolate or I'll go to the press" letter. When I went to get it later to do this it was a much smaller bar. Everyone in the house admitted to just stealing one square. Whoever it was that got the fly obviously didn't notice.

Wrong. He aimed at the crowd and missed! Deserved to be disqualified for such a sloppy shot.

He got his sort of comeuppance in a film called Confetti in which he and Olivia Coleman played a naturist couple. It seems they told them their bits would be airbrushed in the final cut but they weren't. I have nothing against the guy unless he really is like his character in Peepshow. Mitchell is a very clever, very funny man and although Victoria Coren is actually smug, she has every reason to be.

I've never been to KFC I've never tried gin or vodka I've never told a lie. And it seems I can't punctuate.

It's probably on here already but "literally" when it should be "metaphorically". He literally exploded onto the park. He literally ate up the opposition.

What P&B likes to talk about. Sex, drink and violence.

Looks like Carlos is scratching one in Rio's back pocket!

Someone just said "Gosh" to me. They were English it has to be said but that's still no excuse.

The use of "not" to negate a previously positive sentence. It started in Wayne's World but has been misused ever since. You can legitimately say "I did...............not" or I have ...............not" as they make sense but people say "I cooked her a meal ................not" or "I'm going to apologise to him...............not" which is just daft and isn't funny.

He's a devil, he is. He knows what he's saying.

#tootrue

Gerry Rafferty always sang "shrew" when it should have been "through". It's amazing how many songs it occurred in. I expect I've just ruined it for any Rafferty fans now.

Guilty as charged. It seems I pronounce it that way, so I'm told, even though I don't actually mean to. Another cringe for me is when (usually English) people talk about supper when they mean a late tea. Supper means "with chips".

You see, I hate the word "cross". It's twee, home counties language used by the yummy mummy. I prefer to get mad. I also hate the word "soccer". You're not a football fan if you call it soccer. It's English public school slang for Association Football as opposed to "rugger" for the other version. There were several people on the news talking about FIFA being soccer's governing body. Grrr. So what gets your goat?

Hi, Jannie!

A conversation I had with a jannie at the college. I was standing looking at an automatic door which wouldn't open. Jannie - "Kin ye no read? It says press the button" Me - "Aye, Ah can read and it says 'Automatic door'" Jannie - "Aye, well if ye press the button it opens automatically" Me - "If ye huv tae press a button it's no automatic" Jannie - "Och, yur jist playin' wi wurds"

I'd hazard a guess that you're not actually Cardinal Richelieu either.

Tesco have changed their packaging for the Never From Concentrate orange juice from cartons to plastic bottles. That's why I've not been able to see it for the last two weeks. Seething.

Edit - Oops, didn't see it was on Random Images. "Outraged parents", etc. They really couldn't have done better if they tried.

My Dad opened a bottle of St Magdalene's for his Diamond Wedding. I tried to disuade him as it's worth hundreds but he put me down by suggesting I just wanted to inherit it. "What's the point of keeping it in the bottle?", he said, "Let's just drink it then put cold tea in the bottle and put it back in the display cabinet". What's your view on this? Sacrilege to open an old high-value whisky or just common sense?

Two fat ladies would probably do better than some goalies. Try getting the ball past them. I remember when goalies dressed like that.

She's going to kill me with that. I drive along the road with my windscreen misting up until I realise that she's pointed the blower away from the screen and towards the inside of the car. I always have at least some air going to the screen.

Good one. Strange how it takes a full week before his age goes up though.

Just wrapped some Christmas presents so i don't have to hide them any more. Four presents in I notice the paper I'm using says Happy Birthday.