I suppose the only way to describe how I feel is stuck. Stuck in my own solitary life, which from the outside really doesn't look too bad.
I had a bad start. Lost my parents to the booze, and my older brother died suddenly all within 8 months. That was 17 years ago now. I probably lost 4-5 years back then in a blur of drinking, financial struggle and anti-depressants, but met a girl who changed my life. Got married. Buggered off abroad and genuinely felt what I thought was happiness. I've since realised that just having someone who showed me affection was hiding all the red flags in my life, and masking the deep lying issues. I had a family again, it's what I craved. I hadn't had any sort of
Shortly after getting married, things started to unravel a bit. She expected more of me, and I didn't have the strength of mind to step up. I became more insular, stopped going out, generally stopped making an effort in more or less all aspects of life. Yet it still came as a shock to me when, after 2 years of marriage, she walked out on me. I had given up. I wasn't the guy she married anymore. It crushed me, because I was still convincing myself that I was 'happy' when I clearly wasn't.
Anyway, we rushed through a divorce, and I saw coming home as the safe option. I've been back for 4 and a half years now. Had a couple of relationships, none have been right for me, one even made things a whole lot worse by putting a massive amount of pressure on my shoulders to provide for her 2 kids due to the deadbeat dad not bothering his arse. I think it's safe to say that I don't handle pressure very well.
Loneliness is seen as a problem that only affects the old. I can assure you, after 2 Christmases and Birthdays spent on my own without as much as a card, that it's real and exists among the young. The feelings of despair over the last year or so have floored me at times. I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally getting all the grown up things in order. Bought my first place last year, doing well in work, even up for promotion and s substantial wedge in extra money, but I feel nothing but emptiness.
I live my life alone. I have a decent group of friends, all around since school. They're all doing their thing, living their life, having kids and everything that comes with it. They don't have the time, or indeed the inclination, to have me around all the time.
I feel invisible, like no-one would notice if I just upped sticks and left.