Duckie, I can call you Duckie?
I'm only in my mid 60s, and as for "living in North Korea" you couldn't be more wrong? In fact Duckie, I spent the best part of 25 years of my working life at a factory no more than a quarter of a mile from East End Park, and 5 years working a couple of miles away in Rosyth!
Now Duckie, to answer your questions.
a) Where do I start?
b) Duckie mate, do yourself a favour and check out the official UEFA/FIFA websites.
c) 5 times finalists in major European football competitions to begin with, and (off the top of my head) 120 domestic honours.
And as for your "Buckfast and Ketamine" comment Duckie, I think that says everything about you and your own sad lifestyle?