FortescueFotheringhamSmyth

Not quite Queensberry Rules, this, is it? Like taking an AK-47 up to the moors on August 12th. Akin to the scene in that monsters & mammaries caper on TV that everyone raved about. The one where the wisecracking vertically challenged lad opted for trial by combat. All and sundry were queuing up to butcher the bonsai-sized blighter. To even things up, he was allowed to nominate a champion. The flouncing peroxide one from that limp-wristed, lipsynching, 90s crooning duo played the common guttersnipe who volunteered to act as champion for the person of restricted growth. He proceeded to improbably slice Ser Shinysword in half. How many ruddy seasons did Higginbottom and Scobbie play in the Premiership? What's Austin allegedly being paid for dropping down from Caley Jags? £800 a week? Jamieson, Tidser, Easton. All been in the Championship of late. Most of the others are "only" playing a couple of divisions too low. Brechin should be allowed to borrow, say, Craig Sibbald, Mitch Megginson, Aaron Muirhead, Neil Parry, Dom Thomas and a few League One journeyman to level things up. At least players who get paid similar amounts to Kelty's blow-ins. Would Josh Taylor be motivated if he could fight flyweights for the same £££ as he gets in his own division? I doubt it. (Unless they were gay prods, obviously) Beating other insolvently trading clubs in the Lowland League is a worthy achievement. Beating Brechin is a "fish in a barrel" job. I don't see what Scottish football gains from it.

I intend going to as many Spoonburners' continental jaunts as Covid-19 allows. Good laugh. But not as good a laugh as if they don't get in. I'm peeved that I don't know any Hibs fans who've been counting chickens and wetting themselves about the possibility of four European bevvie ups. Or even booked a midweek off for the play-off round. The overpaid, "Right On!", public sector, "Never done a day's work" types that proliferate on their most popular forum will go into meltdown if they win the Cup and get papped-out in Q3 of the Europa League by a bunch of ex-Soviets who sacrifice a goat in a pre-match ceremony. I don't know any Killie fans who booked for Belgrade☹. Know a couple of Harland & Wolff Works XI guys who shrewdly booked cheap trips for Cyprus, pre-Niederkorn. They still went for the intended three nights. Didn't go to the game but fair fux to them. Good trip by their account.

Just talking to a Caley Thistle fan who pointed out most of this. 1999, Celtic opened with 8 wins in the first 9 league games. 2020, Celtic opened with 8 wins in the first 9 league games. In both seasons they "batted half a game short of .500" from that point on: 1999/2000 winning 13 of the remaining 27; 2020/21 winning 14 of the remaining 29. In both seasons they sacked the manager in February, immediately after an embarrassing loss to a gang of hielan teuchters. Both seasons featured embarrassing home cup defeats by said gangs of hielan teuchters. In both seasons they put the Director of Football in charge but did not improve: Dalglish going W8 D4 L4 from 16 games in charge in 2000; Kennedy going W4 D4 L2 in his 10 games in charge in 2021. In both seasons they lost 3 of the 4 Old Firm league games and got a 1-1 draw in the other, finishing twenty-odd points behind Rangers. All of that means precisely shag all. They did OK in 2000/01 after hiring a new manager from England though

I was expecting 15/8 Dundee, 11/8 Killie and 9/4 the draw from the 1st cautious compiler to chalk up. If there was going to be a slight variation in that, I'd have thought Dundee may have been a wee bit shorter and Killie a mite longer.

Bet365 just gone up and have the 'Dee at 13/5 for the 1st leg Maybe I know even less about football than I do about bookmakiing - having worked in the the latter industry longer than I was officially involved in the former - but that just looks wrong. I doubt it will last. Get on.

Bet365 chalked up already for the 1st leg. 13/5 Dundee 20/21 Killie 13/5 draw. That is just WRONG. Doesn't matter who you think will win the overall tie, Killie should be nowhere near odds-on to win at Dens in my estimation. I'd be surprised if any other compiler had them shorter than 11/8 on their tissue. Now Bet365 have gone up, everyone else SHOULD go 11/10 Killie. 13/5 Dundee over 90 minutes is an outstanding bet. I doubt the price will last long. I've just taken it. I advise others to get on. No prices to win the tie quoted as yet. *Edit: No market yet on Betfair.

It says they're at Castle Greyskull on July 17th. The two Scottish sides in the Europa Conference League enter at Q2 on July 20th/21st/22nd. Hibs could play them on Monday & dash over to Georgia or Kazakhstan via that new monorail I suppose. It's progressing faster than the tramlines in Edinburgh did.

I'd term him a "Scottish guy", rather than an "Asian guy". I doubt he's spent much time outwith the environs of Glesca. I've rarely seen a jaw attack a right fist with such accuracy. That was one hell of a short right, to be fair. Reminds me of one I flukily landed on the jaw of a Harland & Wolff Works XI fan outside the Tron Church after a midwinter visit with the Spoonburners in the 80s. My acquaintances had boarded a coach back to Leith, which was bricked, but I was walking back solo to Central Station for a train south, noticed a pagger and felt obliged to join in. I think the buggers won 3-0 - no pleasing some folk. No colours on view, but the would-be CCS boys seemed outnumbered. Great right on a lunging Billy Boy and down he went. I didn't get time to follow up or savour the moment. The sound of a bottle smashing behind me - against the railings of the Tron Church; these people have no respect - made me swing round. "Cummawn ye bassstard!" The guy was about 6'3" and 20 stone. I was a fair 10k runner back then. I absquatulated sharpish. Still, easy mistake for a Billy Boy to make. He clearly thought it was Humza Yousaf. They likely all look the same to him.

Hugh Shaw's "Famous Five" team began to falter in the 1953/54 season. The season after Her Majesty's coronation. 68 seasons ago. The opiate ingesters have finished 2nd twice since: in consecutive mid-70s seasons under Eddie Turnbull. In the second of those campaigns, they made the League Cup final and lost 6-3 to Celtic. This is the eighth time they've finished 3rd since 1953. In one of those seasons - 72/73, under Turnbull - they won the League Cup. In another - 00/01, under Alec McLeish - they reached the Scottish Cup final. In two other 3rd-placed seasons (94/95 and 04/05) they made the SC semi finals. Eight of their sixteen cup final appearances in the last 70 years have been in seasons when they've finished outwith the top six. They won the SC and lost the LC final in 2016, when they finished 3rd in the second tier. By most measures, 3rd place in the League, a SC final and a LC semi would represent their best trophyless season for a while. Probably since 52/53, when they were denied a hat-trick of League titles on goal average by a late Harland & Wolff Works XI equaliser at Palmerston on the last day of the season. It's hard to see how the average banana flats spoonburner could fail to see this as a successful season. However, we are discussing a fanbase amongst whom "Yes" had a majority for several hours in a Miggs.Net "Should Jack Ross Be Sacked?" poll after the St.Johnstone LC semi defeat only four months ago, so, as a man who preferred coke to smack once sang, you never can tell.

Maybe lino Mulvanny is fed up being the butt of Kirkcaldy jokes - being a lino - and dislikes Raith as a result. The only possible defence is that he's looked along the line and seen a blue shirt goal side of the white ones. As the white shirts retreat, the line of players straightens and sort of merges into one from his angle. He loses sight of individual players. That happens sometimes. Nothing he can do about it. Blue shirt tucks the ball away and Mulvanny assumes it was the same player who was beyond the last white shirt when the ball was played. He's mixed up two players. Still a shocking decision. I've done a few spying / scouting gigs. Pitch up midweek at a big old ground with a disused athletics, greyhound or speedway track and poor floodlights. Buggers run out in striped shirts with small numbers ironed straight on to the stripes. Every one of them white, between 5' 10" and 6' 1", with a crew cut. I want to see some giants, midgets, black guys, mixed race guys, gingers, peroxide blonds, mullets and McGlynn "hair" styles. Diversity, man! It's progressive and it's the way forward. Have to commend McGlynn on his post match interview. The man is a gent.

Ross County manager stats in the top tier:- Adams: 80 games, 93 points. PPG = 1.165 McIntyre: 116 games, 142 points. PPG = 1.224 Coyle: 21 games, 17 points. PPG = 0.809 Ferg/Ketts: 40 games, 37 points. PPG = 0.925 Ketts: 18 games, 13 points. PPG = 0.722 Yogi: 19 games, 23 points. PPG = 1.210 Yogi career manager stats in the top tier: 316 games, 398 points. PPG = 1.259 Just sayin', like.

From the Viz "Top Tips" column: "Hibs fans! Show your commitment to Europe and demonstrate your contempt for Aberdonian, Tory, Brexiteer, "No"-voters by setting fire to anything resembling a sheep that you see being transported by train - just like the French do when they're upset."

"It was a conversation to the effect that, in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence within the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda." Whereas the meaning of anything especially verbose that Sir Humphrey Appleby said could be worked out, with a little effort, the modern, thrusting, progressive functionary simply puts together buzzwords and soundbites. It sounds grandiloquent, so it'll do. I sort of hear Tommy Lee Jones as K in "Men In Black", saying, "You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of..." "Our vibrant mission statement is to send out a clear message to the doubleplusgood community, celebrating non-binary diversity and creating a safe space for trigger warning positionality, without ableism and with tolerance for victims of systemic intersectional discrimination." Leeann knows what she's doing. Trust me on that.

Bet365 & Paddy chalked up. Bet365 a mite bigger on all three results. 7/5 Trainspotters to triumph. 2/1 Tractor drivers turn 'em over. 11/5 Two hours of tedious, tepid, tentative tosh.

Disinclined as the workshy parasites are to stick a head above a rampart these days, it's no surprise that no turf accountants have priced this up as yet. I fancy the linoleum workers might be value to give the 'Dee the runaround on their articicial flax field in good weather. Forecast for Wednesday is non-committal. Likely to be typical Scottish coastal May weather. Sunshine, showers, moderate breeze. This is Dundee's first ever play-off. Remarkable when thinking of how they've dodged between divisions over the past 30 years. Raith had the worst play-off record of any SPFL club before yesterday's triumph. The 2019 win over Forfar being their only win in seven attempts. I'd be surprised if the Premiership team doesn't cruise past the winners in the decider.

Groups confirmed as starting 2nd weekend of July. Saturday 10th and Sunday 11th. Inviting Linfield as guests to make up the numbers might be popular with some SFA blazers and would see the competition off to a fiery start. Sadly, the original Harland & Wolff Works XI enters the Champions League well before the Glaswegian offshoot, so they will be in Champions League action that week, as will the likes of Olympiacos, Legia and Malmo. It'll be amusing if it's a Poland v. Sweden semifinal at the Euros, on the same day as the Champions League games.

Play-off tournament wins in the bottom two divisions: Albion Rovers 2 from 2 Partick 1 from 1 Q.o.t.S 1 from 1 Stirling 2 from 3 Ayr 3 from 5 Stenhousemuir 3 from 5 Alloa 4 from 8 Clyde 2 from 4 Dumbarton 1 from 2 Cowdenbeath 2 from 6 Forfar 2 from 6 East Fife 1 from 4 Queen's Park 2 from 9 Arbroath 1 from 7 Brechin 1 from 7 Edinburgh City 0 from 1 Livingston 0 from 1 Morton 0 from 1 Berwick 0 from 2 Dunfermline 0 from 2 E.Stirlingshire 0 from 2 Elgin 0 from 2 Montrose 0 from 3 Annan 0 from 4 Raith 0 from 5 Airdrie 0 from 6 Peterhead 0 from 6 Stranraer 0 from 7

To be promoted once after losing a play-off may be accounted to good fortune. Twice smacks of having a Home Secretary, "consultant" for G4S and chairman of the Romish Refugees' Relief XI as your local MP.

My butler, Carruthers, enjoys a speculative investment on oiks lowering themselves to play 11-a-side football. He assures me that turf accountants are usually parsimonious with their odds about the clubs from the higher leagues in these events. His stats show the teams striving to avoid demotion have succeeded on only 4 occasions out of 14 in each of the two divisions since this revenue raising scam was foisted upon us in 2006, suggesting both Morton and Dumbarton should be chalked-up at 5-2. In the third tier, the club finishing in 2nd place has gained promotion 5 times, the club finishing 3rd has triumphed thrice and the 4th-placed finisher has sneaked up twice. In the bottom tier, the runners-up have advanced on 4 occasions, the 3rd-placed club has been promoted twice and the 4th-placed club has gone up 4 times. Two of the participants have the two worst overall records of any club in the 14-year history of the play-offs: Stranraer failing on all 7 occasions they've competed; Airdrie registering a 0-out-of-6 tally - a mark also recorded by Peterhead. Both Stranraer and Airdrie have achieved promotion despite losing in the play-offs: Airdrie being the beneficiaries of Brooks Mileson's last will and testament in 2008; Stranraer benefitting from the Harland & Wolff Works XI's demise in 2012. Carruthers has invested in Cove Rangers and Edinburgh City. I get the idea he's hinting that a pay rise may be due.