Tenkay

As I get older I find I only really need to visit 3 shops. Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Yep, my life is all Specs, Drugs and... Sausage Rolls.

The founder of dulux paints has been found deid at the top of a mountain. A police spokesperson said: "He could've done with another coat."

During the wife's Labour, the nurse came to us and shouted "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" We said, "No thanks, we've already picked a name".

Archeologists have discovered more of King Arthur's Knights of the round table! The Knight Who: Wandered around the table - Sir Cumferance. Jumped out from Hiding - Sir Prise! The Carpenter / D.I.Y man - Sir Cular saw Inspected buildings - Sir Veyor Hungover - Sair Heid

I went to the local Library's BBQ evening... A few of us got Shushhhh Kebabs.

My wife just told me she has broken her satnav and wants £150 to buy a new one. I thought, No. She can get lost.

I'm glad that guy waited until he had calmed down before posting that amusing rant! Imagine if he'd still been angry! I hope Dundee go there and win 3-0 just to wind them up a bit more!

We have a bird of prey that only dances to 80's music at night. Our Kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

Police knocked on my door, and asked where I was between 8 and 10. I said I would have been at Primary School.

Here's a little known fact about former Man. United striker Danny Welbeck. His dad was a bomb disposal expert expert called Stan.

Just been to the garage. It said it was open 24/7, which is good. I'm not sure if it's opening on the 25th or 26th though...

This is the best bit for the rest of us, once it's finally confirmed Hearts are down and we can all move on.

A man goes to the doctors and says: "Doctor, there's seems to be a piece of lettuce sticking oot my bum". So the Doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "is it serious?" the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of an Iceberg".

Too much information there Ross!

Thanks mate. Yes I noticed a round of premier league games on the Friday night. However, I'm thinking as each team gets one blank fixture in the Betfred cup group games, the premiership team in each group could miss the 3rd October round out and let the Championship, Leagues 1 & 2 play that day? I'd rather an extra Saturday than midweek game. (Especially in October!)