GordonD

America, because they either pick them against smaller nations or, in the big ones, stay out until they see who's winning before getting involved. The one time they went in early against a decent-sized enemy (Vietnam) they got skelped.

It's not all bad news for McLeish. He can now devote all his time to appearing as Bobby in Scot Squad.

The Aberdeen squad of that era was notorious for shouting abuse at passing paperboys. Maybe it was your Rangers top?

I'm always left wanting more at that bit, wondering what the background is. "Tom once got a hot tip on a racehorse from the Dalai Lama. Dick fell off a penny farthing bicycle in front of Princess Margaret. And Harry had his cheese stolen from a communal fridge in a hostel."

Get a keyless card entry car. Peasant. He's not talking about his own car or house.

The target audience for daytime TV is obvious from the number of adverts telling them that they'll be dead soon and they should think about a funeral payment plan if they don't want to be put out for the binmen. The worst one is the dirty old sod who chose a pair of binoculars as his free gift and is clearly going to use them to spy on his neighbour,

Not really. They can live up to about 60 years in captivity so Tommi was only middle-aged.

Can't help with an elephant sneezing - this is the closest I could find.

I heard about a guy who pulled the shells off snails to see what effect it would have on them. He said it made them sluggish.

Celtic flog 'restricted view' seats that are located in the tenements

They're on the ball these days, particularly with things like books. After several people picked up valuable books for around 50p then flogged them for several hundred, they tend to have experts on hand to weed out the good stuff.

Imran should start growing his moustache longer. Then whenever he rants on about getting revenge on Carla, he can twirl the ends of it like Dick Dastardly used to do.

Did you suggest c**t?