Duszek

1. get a medium one 2. bulk up on pies 3. quit whinging

You're right. he looks nothing at all like a professional footballer. More like a school supply teacher, the kind of gimp we'd lock in the cupboard and only let out when he sang the theme tune to Roobarb and Custard. Nothing against the chap, best of luck in his career, etc etc...

Hmm. OK. Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Jeez, have none of you guys heard of David Shrigley? Great artist. I think this news is v cool. http://www.amazon.com/What-Hell-Are-You-Doing/dp/0393082474

Why indeed? Now f**k off.

Nothing to it. First time you get on the tube, shake hands with everyone sitting near you. Great ice breaker.

Got up a bit later than usual last Sunday and had to visit three separate boulangeries before I found one still selling croissants. Probably added a good six or seven minutes to the trip. I was fucking raging by the time I got back.

The great Bruce Dern and Klopek Jr. Top cinema.

Sounds like a real bargain. I'd move fast to snap them up if I were you.

I've been listening to the podcasts on the way into work recently. Richard Gordon is a good broadcaster/host, does well in the circumstances (his motley crew of contributors). English and Chris McLaughlin make good contributions, but the rest are buffoons. The ex-footballers can be forgiven for that, Chick Young cannot. For me, the best sports radio/commentary has always been in the US. ESPN's Mike Greenberg hosts a similar kind of show to Sportsound, but on a completely different level of professionalism/quality. Podcasts here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/podcast/archive?id=2445552

I like the way Eugene's handled this. If ever, by some miracle, I'm in Dundee and needing a haircut, he'll get the business.

He has a tattoo of himself on his hand. Of himself. On his hand. Of HIMSELF??? On his fucking HAND???

Spent New Year in Germany and drove back with a few choice beers, mostly pilsener. Krombacher Warsteiner Bitburger Furstenberg Stuttgarter Hofbrau Konig Pilsener as well as Schofferhofer Hefeweizen. Never tried a hefeweizen, will crack it open tonight. God, I love Germany. Top, top country.

Holy shit, that's the shoe I wore when I was 17. Got them at Intersport, Byers Road. WHAT was I thinking?

Four times-married Brigitte Bardot, French sexpot actress turned animal rights activist, is estimated to have had at least a hundred lovers, male and female. What's only just been revealed in the French press is that between 1975 and 1979 she was in a monogamous relationship with Gros Marcel, a gorilla she purchased from the Nice zoo.

It's widely known that Bundesliga outfit VfL Wolfsburg (nicknamed Die Wölfe or The Wolves) used to have a manager called Wolfgang Wolf. It's only just emerged that Wolfgang Wolf was, in fact, brought up by wolves. He was discovered by a hunter when he was five years old, living in an underground den.

Absolutely this. Hey, nice Broadway Joe avatar.

f**k me that was pleasing. Long time since I've felt this good about a Scotland team. Robertson looks a great prospect, only his 3rd cap and he owned wee Aidan. Good times

In 2007, a group of researchers at Imperial College London studied the effect of surnames on choice of career. By examining every UK passport application from 1948 to 2001, they proved that if your name is Cook, you're fourteen time more likely (than the average Joe) to actually become a cook. If your name is Crook, you're more likely to work at FIFA. The study group was working under the supervision of Professor Laszlo Boffin.

When TV series M*A*S*H premiered in 1972, one of the characters (an anaesthesist) was called Dr w****r. When the series was syndicated to the UK and Australia in 1974, NBC changed the character's name to Dr Djerkov.

Their unique patellar ligaments mean that tigers are the only felines that cannot walk backwards.

When Glasgow University was founded in 1451 (by a charter from Pope Nicholas V), the papal bull stipulated that each class should include at least one Negro student. As Glasgow at the time contained no negroes, Bishop William Turnbull arranged for twenty Ewé tribespeople from Togo to be shipped to Scotland and housed in the university premises. Unfortunately, within six months every tribesperson had either absconded, contracted a fatal disease or been murdered. To resolve this, a pauper from Partick was blacked up and sat in the back row of each class, in case a Papal inspector should turn up.

A similar thing happened to me as I was walking back from the ground, except in my case it was a toothless old crone who bewitched me when i refused to buy any pegs off her. Told her to f**k off and next thing i knew, she'd muttered some foul Gaelic curse and i'd been transformed into a midget. Stayed that way until Halloween. Be on your guard, gentlemen.

I hope that was just someone bored out his tits, despairing at the inanity of it all, making a wise-crack. I'm stealing that line, will use it first chance I get.

Another thing that's fun. Any time that anyone in a meeting says anything, chime in with "Yes, but how does that add value?"