carpetmonster

Right, what’s everybody having then? Tell you what, just write it down here for me

If there's anyone still hiding under Shannon Matthews stasher Michael Donovan's bed, you can come out now, he's carked it https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/27366830/shannon-matthews-kidnapper-michael-donovan-dies-cancer/

His face is too big. If you take the hair off him he actually reminds me of Tommy Cooper, which should make me like him, but it doesn’t.

There’s Tiffany as well, unless him musing in public that he’d wanted her aborted counts as formal disownment.

If I was a betting man I’d say CPAC-monied oot her nut with bonuses for how far and wide she can spread their shite.

If I'm Trump and I'm looking and Eric and Junior and now I'm being told I have an offspring capable of passing high school I'm getting me and Melanie on Jeremy Kyle TBQHWY.

Harness the power of shite dugs by building a warehouse full of giant hamster wheels so shite dug owners can take them there, have them run on the wheels to generate electricity and sell it to the National Grid. The owner can nominate 5 people who generally have to put up with their b*****d dug to receive credits against their leccy bill for its service. Extend it to weans anaw.

It’s not starting well for him, the DA is looking to have held in contempt for repeated gag order violations, which you’d have to think Judge Merchan would likely be sympathetic to.

There’s a boozer on the front in Largs does that; the Olde Anchor IIRC. It’s very civilised and highly recommended.

Although 'Mark Lawrenson' is an anagram of 'NN Marl Woke Arse'

At least they block them off. Every once in a while in Chicago you’ll see someone who isn’t local and doesn’t realise empty El train carriages are empty for a reason and embark onto one to be confronted with a homeless guy having a meltdown/jobbies/both.

Glasgow Central hasn't had any for eons. Didn't they get taken out after Al-Qaida bombed that train in Spain however many years ago?

Guess whose arsehole wife thought it'd be smart to get a 7am flight to Miami so she can have an extra day seeing her pals before she goes to the conference and set her alarm for 4.30 and didn't wake up for it, also waking up the baby, who hasn't gone back to fucking sleep since and it's now 10am? (here's a hint, it's fucking me. Cuntress)

Waste of a good compo face that one.

If the shroud don’t fit, you must acquit…him of being a corpse. That doesn’t really work.

TFW when just cutting and pasting makes for a more effective report than writing a report.

More worryingly, it's been reported in multiple places but the Scum was the only one I could see that actually gave the contents of the tweets. Hamas Youseless is a nothingburger, it's something you'd hear off a golf club bore while he was going 'eh' and tapping you with his elbow, but the Steve Laws one is more worrying. Full time wannabe Yaxley-Lennon except doesn't pretend to be a journalist. If she pleads ignorance on him, a quick click thru to his timeline would have shown a constant tirade of similar shit.

Kirkcaldy candidate likely to defect to Reform in a couple of weeks https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/12448745/labour-mp-wannabe-humza-yousaf-racist-posts/

It's the Bukowski thing innit - 'the problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.' Or I think it was Bukowski. Maybe Bukkake. Who knows.

I’m not sure about the parts, but insurance salesmen with shopfronts (usually they’re representing one of the big boys like State Farm) is predominantly how it works over here. There’s no equivalent of comparethemarket or price comparison sites; when you hack in your details to get a quote all that does is give your details to a load of insurance offices who then phone you incessantly. I changed my insurance recently; managed to do it all by phone but it was by calling a named agent’s physical shop somewhere in the south burbs rather than a centralised call center. ETA - thank you for coming to my deeply uninteresting TED talk.

I didn't see any of it because I was at the dentist but this is a really cool photo of the solar band shadows from downtown Chicago

Not because of the King’s Viagra adverts?

I take it he didn’t splurge the extra thirty bob to really set up the ambience?