Cosmic Joe

The Evening Telegraph (Late Edition) goes on sale before 8am

1 Harold Wilson (not a Tory) 2 Jim Callaghan (") 3 Tony Blair - w**k but (") 4 John Major - Tory, but a breath of fresh air after Th*****r 5 Whoever the next non-Tory PM is Gordon Brown is a sleazy, unionist, Linolicking c**t

Australia's full.

I'm substantially older than 36 but this wee runt looked about 11. Hopefully he'll mature. Not physically obvs.

Tory talk

Haha. I'm ten stone soaking wet. The only thing I've got going in my favour is the wee feral kid probably hasn't got a sensible parent to keep him in check. The poor guy. I don't like bullying.

A gang of lively 11 year olds got on the bus last night. One of them wanted a square go with a chubby kid and gave him a hefty slap in the chops when he refused to take him on then got off the bus. I commended the kid for his stance, only for another wee fanny (smoking an E cigarette I might add) to give me a barrage of cheek, calling me a specky c**t etc. As luck would have it, we got off at the same stop. Going into my house he got his mobile phone out, took my pic and said his dad will kick my c**t in for being a paedophile. If you hear of a house in Lochee getting torched in the next few days pray for CJ.

Didn't realise the poor lad was also a Carmelite.

Perhaps another Govan based football club might bite the dust.

What? On P&B? How very dare you

Wrong commentator

I've never claimed to be anything more. The blind/ partially sighted fans seem to accept my ramblings. But hey-ho

You've never commentated have you? Found myself rambling on about putting greens, pinball and six free games at Johnny's Bingo before. Part and parcel of the game

Tremendous defending from Dundee United throughout

That was someone? v Roma territory

Celebrating in front of Kelbie for Scrap. If only Michael Marra was still with us.

Bus stations in particular appear to a magnet for weirdos. Some folk seem to think that hanging around such places makes them irresistible to women.

They need to bring back Gardyloo rights in Reekie to restore the natural order

My old man supported Dundee United but I ended up cheering on East Fife. So bollix to that pile of old shite.

The English gammonati will have been conflicted by this turn of events

That was The Archers. They do two episodes back to back these days.

Quadruple strength dill

Wow! I was not expecting 12 Fifers to be in the squad. Perhaps the club are doing something right. Credit where credit is due!

Can anyone more clever than me work out how many players born in Fife were in the squad yesterday? Quite a few I think.