Half A Person

One of my favourites from the Falkirk Herald a while back...

Just saw a big cauliflower anus on TV.

Ooh, tell us more....astronaut? Ninja? Stuntwoman? Oh.

Ha! I was just reminded of another woman I was in a meeting with and she was moaning about all these mysterious emails she was getting. Albeit they were work-related, but she just didnt recognise who was sending them... 'Just who is Dono Treply anyway?'

Another female colleague thought that North was just the direction you were facing...

A girl at my work once asked me which animal pineapple came from. My sister told me she had to check on the internet whether a penguin was a bird or a fish. Another woman I worked with bought on of these brithday cards for her pal which has the big events and headlines of a prticular year on the front, in this case 1974. ''Erm, I'm sure he was born in 1975....' ''Och, I'll get him another one...I'll just keep this one for next year.' The same woman was informed she had a ladder in her tights. ''Och (she says 'och' a lot), I'll just turn them inside-out''

''It's amazing how clear the moon can be during the day'' ''Eh, that's the sun''

What about Scrooge (1951) with Alistair Sims? Most consider it to be the definitive film version of A Christmas Carol. Unless you mean The Gulf War.

Listening to The Jayhawks a lot just now. Sorely underrated.

It might well be dead, too. You need to consider that.

new york i mean mexico city as a google search would surely reveal to the layman of population sizes.

I think you're right....

i think it was just ms paint...i dunno though..i'll have a wee search myself.

Yeah, that was me. I was a 'dab hand' as they say.

I've got this vision of grey squirrels pushing the red ones about, stealing their 'tuck' money and unzipping their little squirrel bag so all their little squirrel jotters fall out.

You always hear that red squirrels are dying out cos of grey squirrels, but how come? What do they actually do? Eat them?

nah it's 12 - can't you read?

They've probably got loads of stock that they now need to get shot of.

Haha, I think I would like to read that, in the same way that I like to watch Jeremy Kyle or read the Daily Mail.

Changed days. These days it's all confidence tutors this and non-competitive sports days that. During my schooling we were ritually insulted at assembly then molested at PE. Then in maths you would recite times tables for 4 and a half hours solid and you wouldn't even be allowed to sit down. Kids these days have it far too easy.

Yes Man... Not unpleasant. Jim Carrey is apparently one of those guys you either loe or hate, but in this film, he's just a bit....meh. The premise is similar to Liar Liar in many ways, but the movie's a bit nicer and the lovely Zooey Deschanel gets it a bonus point. 6/10

A wee game of football the night at 9pm will do you a power of good.

Sexy music.

If I was making a music video, this would be it: At first all you can see is a dark pink blur filling the screen. As the song progresses, the camera pulls away ever so slowly until the climax of the song when a slightly out of shape (not hideous) guy is lying on a four poster bed in just his briefs (must be Marks and Spencers) and black socks. Maybe scratching himself and reading some Balzac. The dark pink blur at the start would be an extreme close-up of the guy's nipple and it would pan back from there.

to get to the other side