BFTD

I know f**k all about cars, and had never heard of a "Vauxhall Crossland" before yesterday, when I noticed a random discussion had broken out about how shite they are on an unrelated Reddit thread about something totally innocent and not perverted. It's not looking good, is it?

It would be reeeeeally interesting to see how that breaks down with different socioeconomic groups. Who thinks they're going to be a winner or loser, and who's believing Sir Keef when he says he's going to do f**k all?

There's a one-liner about Keith Flint here somewhere....Flint, lighter, flamethrower...bollocks, I'll have it in a minute.

TBF, I could fart into a tuba for fifteen minutes and call it a cover of Ode to Joy, but I really don't think Beethoven should be taking the blame for it.

A kid in my class at school had the superpower of being able to vomit on command, and would use it to get excused from class when he was bored. Just licked his lips for a few seconds and then emptied his stomach on the desk. Uncanny. Doing it didn't bother him at all, but the stench was awful. I'd like to think he's spent his adult life on public transport waiting for people with suppers, then blowing chunks in a carrier bag and claiming to have motion sickness exacerbated by stinking fast food. If that doesn't stop them, nothing will. ...this would be where you tell us what you did to shame yourself. Don't worry, we're an understanding lot.

Sorry, but posting videos of Black Eyed Peas songs ought to be treated the same as posting GIFs of sex machine accidents (Booitsme7, GBNF). Causing unsuspecting humans to remember deep trauma is just so very poor*. You need to do better. * Except for @KnightswoodBear

To be fair to REFUK, this has been a popular refrain among Conservative MPs for some time, and is a wildly popular concept with their voters, many of who would like to have gunboats stationed in the Channel to open fire on unarmed human beings. Makes a total mockery of the idea that only 1% of the population suffers from/enjoys the benefits of psychopathy.

We all have our favourite musicians, but who has produced the highest-quality output over their career? Suggestions: The Bee-Gees - controversial, as as many people seem to hate as love them, but aside from their own massively-popular hits, they also wrote for loads of other people and will almost certainly have been behind something that you like. Prince - I never liked the wee man when I was growing up, and still don't, but it turns out that it's just the performer that I didn't get on with - his songs seem to lend themselves to excellent cover versions, and he was also behind a whole bunch of other cracking tunes written for other people. Plus, he made Batdance. Give us your suggestions, P&B (anyone suggesting will.i.am will.b.banned).

We've had some fun with individual songs being awful, but this is for the groups or individuals who have made a successful career out of absolute garbage. We need to have some kind of chart success metric here or no doubt the thread would be swamped by talentless trust-fund kids who've never needed to work, so have spent their life noodling away to a vanishingly small hipster audience. Let's be honest, the answer is the Black Eyed Peas. From their music as a group, through to Fergie's solo career, down to will.i.am's noises for himself or others, it's hard to imagine that anyone else has achieved so much success from such poor (and frequently lazy) output. A living testament to the theory that mankind is a species that's beyond saving.

Mental. I'm too young to remember that, so there must have been something similar during the Eighties. I can remember Trevor MacDonald using it as the final "here's something funny to finish on" story one night.

And there are always a few giving it, "this is what's wrong with modern society, people filming on their phones rather than getting wired in". Assuming they aren't kidding themselves on about their bravery, they'd certainly be grateful of the phone footage when they're also arrested afterwards. It's also surprising how many violent roasters suddenly get control of themselves when they realise there's a camera pointed at them.

You used to get some mental sagas in the FA Cup. I seem to remember Everton being involved in a tie that took in something daft like five replays. Everyone just heartsick of the whole thing by the time it's over. During harsh winters we'd also have the daft scenario of games being called off multiple times. Wasn't there an early-stage Scottish Cup game in the Eighties that had something like thirty postponements? I seem to remember Huntly being involved, and it made the national news in England when it was finally played.

He's "one of the good ones" though, like that lad pretending to be Mo Farah. The latter hasn't won any Olympic medals lately though, so I wouldn't be making any long-term plans if I were him.

Also, he's not worried about ISIS because it's incredibly unlikely he'd be attacked by them, despite what the press and government would like everyone to think. You'd be as well panicking about being hit by a meteorite.

What is it with This Morning and massive wangs? They once had some American on who claimed to have the world's biggest willy. Also Phillip Schofield and Richard Madeley, lol. Shame God doesn't exist, because I love the sense of humour behind bestowing spectacular genitals upon really quite unattractive men. I remember the American complaining about how many women he'd boned who weren't attracted to him and just wanted to try out his equipment, which really is one for the First World Problems thread.

I still don't get the Stormy Daniels thing. I presumed he must have paid her for "escort services", but I don't think that was the case - she fucked him for free, for whatever reason, then got paid off years later. That should be more embarrassing for her. I guess maybe he overestimated the American public's squeamishness about voting for someone who fucks porn stars, which seems kind of quaint now that everyone knows he's a rapist who pervs on underage girls and he's still ahead in the polls.

Who's been sending us the most woke? I get the impression that parts of England consider Scotland to be maddeningly woke for some reason, so perhaps a good internecine BRITTISH! conflict is in order.

The BBC's Sport pages in general have been a fucking mess since The Rangers struggled out of the lower leagues. I think someone's decided that now is the time to assume everyone's viewing on a 4K screen, and their sole remaining web designer figured they'd just make everything stupidly large and spend the afternoon weeping in the lavvies.

We need to be ready for the war that a worrying number of "patriots" are clearly willing to happen because they missed out on WWII. Don't think they have any clear idea who they want to be the enemy though, considering Nazi Germany's off the table. We've had the War on Terror, so could we pull off a "War on Foreigners"? Maybe we could just pay random countries to slaughter a few thousand BRITTISH! conscripts every now and then and declare it a great victory for God and King Chuckles.

We beat them 6-1 at the end of the season when they still needed points for a play-off place, then we contrived to lose to them in the play-off final. I'm still not sure how they got promoted TBH, and they were worse the following season. Their star striker was Isaac Layne, who joined them after being way out of his depth playing for us in the Championship. Not sure what else their board thought would happen.

She mastered photography a while back; you might have missed it being in the news. Also, there's a lot made out of her preternatural ability to play the piano after only a scant few years of lessons, which is virtually unheard of among girls from privileged backgrounds. If it turns out she can ride a horse, we should probably have an extra Bank Holiday in her honour or something.

Uganda was run by His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular and the Last King of Scotland. Meanwhile in Britain: "I say Wills, fancy being the Great Master of the Order of the Bath?

*sigh* I'm too tired to Kenneth.

It must have revived the memory of the last time I cleared out my underwear drawer and found a pair of M&S boxers. I don't think I've made an M&S purchase in a decade or more. Thankfully I was able to post about my ancient jumper to avoid telling anyone on here about that embarrassment! Here's the Sellick Hoose, for anyone who missed it. Worth the click: https://www.onthemarket.com/details/14721898/#/photos/11 I don't think I've owned that many pairs of shoes in my entire 40+ years.

Every now and then you'll see an argument that's such risible bullshit that anyone repeating it seems suspicious by association. Like choosing to believe that Jews eat babies - very obviously untrue, so it tells you more about the person who repeats it than the people they're trying to attack. The Israeli government has really stepped up their production of these in recent months.