BFTD

To liven things up, how about we say that the winners get to beat Falkirk in the last game of the season?

Children's TV in the Eighties had the strange idea of getting viewers to phone in to control characters in computer games with their voices. Off the top of my head, I remember them using Xenon, Weird Dreams, and Magic Pockets, but there were probably more. Kids would supposedly say up, down, fire, or whatever and the character would somehow respond (this wasn't technology that existed back then). We were more naive then; I don't think you could do that now without viewers realising that the delay would've been so huge that you'd have died long before you saw the game even appear on your TV at home.

I don't care what you all say, we're still winning this. We're all going to spend the rest of our lives waking up with the mental image of an ecstatic John McGinn hugging the Henri Delaunay Trophy.

The Scottish authorities do seem to like trying to block virtually everyone from promotion to a higher league. You could easily take it personally. Edit: if the Bronze licence requirement was only agreed upon in December, that'll be another Scottish football favourite - changing the rules mid-season out of panic.

TBF, most of that list is to do with Brian May being an excellent promoter and milking Freddie Mercury's tragic death. I like both groups and think they wrote a shitload of quality material between them, but Queen would probably win out as performers entirely due to Freddie. The Beatles were from a simpler time where acts could still let their songs do the talking onstage without needing that level of showmanship. Let's be honest, Queen don't achieve half as much success without Freddie's persona.

If a reserve team finishes top of the Lowland League, the play-off spot goes to the runner-up, right? Other than "we never agreed on it", I dunno why the same wouldn't be true when the Highland League champions aren't eligible for promotion.

They're missing out on a massive opportunity for expansion into the US; the orange drink for the orange man. He'd insist they'd licence his name though. Trump Brew. Gassy with a peculiar smell.

I'm sure the younger posters will be absolutely shocked by the number of leather jackets being mentioned by their elders

If there's one thing Scotland's been missing, it's our very own Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Buckie's emails presumably going into the SFA's Junk folder; good prep for life in the big leagues. You really wouldn't like to be Brechin's dug tonight.

I know f**k all about cars, and had never heard of a "Vauxhall Crossland" before yesterday, when I noticed a random discussion had broken out about how shite they are on an unrelated Reddit thread about something totally innocent and not perverted. It's not looking good, is it?

It would be reeeeeally interesting to see how that breaks down with different socioeconomic groups. Who thinks they're going to be a winner or loser, and who's believing Sir Keef when he says he's going to do f**k all?

There's a one-liner about Keith Flint here somewhere....Flint, lighter, flamethrower...bollocks, I'll have it in a minute.

TBF, I could fart into a tuba for fifteen minutes and call it a cover of Ode to Joy, but I really don't think Beethoven should be taking the blame for it.

A kid in my class at school had the superpower of being able to vomit on command, and would use it to get excused from class when he was bored. Just licked his lips for a few seconds and then emptied his stomach on the desk. Uncanny. Doing it didn't bother him at all, but the stench was awful. I'd like to think he's spent his adult life on public transport waiting for people with suppers, then blowing chunks in a carrier bag and claiming to have motion sickness exacerbated by stinking fast food. If that doesn't stop them, nothing will. ...this would be where you tell us what you did to shame yourself. Don't worry, we're an understanding lot.