Posting here feels a bit weird, but at this stage I am not sure what else to do.
My recent moods have been so up and down that it’s starting to scare me. Sometimes I feel fine, if a little disconnected from the rest of the world. But sometimes I go through wee phases of horrible lows. They generally pass quite quickly, but usually these periods are really intense. I feel short bursts of feeling utterly hopeless to the point of having suicidal thoughts, although I cannot see myself ever acting on those thoughts. I feel paranoid and I lash out at everyone around me. I don’t really want to know what’s going on as I think the effect on my family would be awful if I was found to have depression, or something else. I don’t really want to let the genie out if the bottle and I would rather try and manage it myself, although I am not sure if I can or if that’s in any way healthy.
The thing that really bothers me is that there’s nothing going on in my life to cause this. My job is dull but tolerable, it’s not in any danger, I have enough friends and family around me to not feel lonely, and I have no money worries. I have felt like this in the past, but it’s been triggered by a specific event and usually manifests itself with self-destructive behaviour – which usually involves me alienating myself from everyone around me.
Also, today for the first time in years I started self harming. I did self-harm a bit around the age of 20, but that was triggered by a specific traumatic event in my life at the time. This wasn’t, which terrifies me. I don’t know what to do as I think this is getting worse. I really don’t know where to go from here.