Had a wee think, and came up with this grim ensemble playing one of Hegarty's eccentric 5-3-2 formations.
(Season 2014/15 crops up a lot, unsurprisingly.)
GK: Lucas Birnstingl. A tragicomedy. Signed by Shields - one decent game on debut at Elgin followed by two shockers which saw him benched. Got back in after McKenzie got sent off against QP, only to ship 5 in the next game against Ar*****h (including one off the opposition keeper) and get sent off himself, promptly jumping on the next plane to Canada, never to return. We can see the funny side now. Almost.
DF: Craig Bell. Another of the Shields' 14/15 school of shame. Put in one of the worst individual performances I've ever seen in a 0-4 defeat at the Shire. Didn't play again after that. A gruesome excuse for a footballer, no touch, no composure, no clue, no thanks.
DF: Jonathan Smart. Brought in by Farningham: apparently a solid, reliable defender at East Fife, Smart was an ill-disciplined red card magnet by the time he got to LP. Sent off 3 times in 5 games IIRC, then again later in the season, before finally being bombed out. Not terribly much cop when he was actually playing. A huge disappointment.
DF: David Banjo. Yet another Shields special, Banjo came in from the Smokies in the middle of the 14/15 car crash. They laughed their heads off at this signing. Rightly so. Inexplicably scored two goals on debut, before being found out. Kept out of the team later on by Marvin Andrews, by then an immobile near 40 year old. Says it all, really.
DF: Jahmal Howlett-Mundle. Howling Muddle, as he quickly became known. Brought in on loan from Hearts by Hegarty in 15/16, an absolute passenger in his second game at home to QP, shipping 6 goals. A rabbit in the headlights, he got one more game against the Shire (a defeat, natch) before being sent straight back from whence he came.
DF: Sean Crighton. Signed by Tweed after a spell on loan, and stayed for around three seasons, which sums up the depths we were in at the turn of the decade. Had propensity to go forward like Taylor-Sinclair, but had none of his touch or composure, and frequently wasted possession/gave the ball away cheaply etc, often making the same mistake week after week. Guessing he has improved, but not entirely sure how he has managed to carve out a career to be honest.
MF: Stephen O'Neill. Signed by you know who in you know which season. Had a reputation from being youth captain at Aberdeen but incapable of adapting to the school of toilet-league football. Not a strong enough presence on the ball, and had a bad habit of clumsy-needless fouling. Gradually fell out of the team as the season collapsed, and drifted into obscurity.
MF: Declan O'Kane. Signed by Shields in 14/15? Check. Not very good footballer? Check. Sent off for a daft challenge in a derby? Check. Gets a place in this side? Abso-fuckin'-Check-loutley.
MF: David Dimilta. Another Smokies cast off which brought them much amusement, brought in by Farnigham. A 4ft f**k all headless chicken, DiMilta could run, but had about as much technical ball skills as me (ie. none). Made a handful of 'cameos' from the bench, often resulting in despairing face palms all round. Shipped out at seasons end. Not sure where he ended up, possibly as an executive doorstop.
FW: Stevie Nicholas. Narrowly qualifies for this after being in Tweed's bottom side from 09/10. Nicholas was funded by the SOS money, and frankly gave poor return for the dosh given the promise shown while playing for previous lower league sides. Scored only once against pre-league Edinburgh City in the cup, and never looked comfortable in a volatile front line where he barely looked better than the likes of Daryl Nicol. Cleared out along with Gemmell at the end of the season with an ageing Paul Tosh being preferred, a fairly damning indictment.
FW: Declan Milne. A player so poor I still get shivers typing his name. Frequently used as 75th minute sub by Hegarty in 15/16 to get a goal ahead of 2/3 more promising youngsters. Never got fucking close. Apparently had quite a high opinion of himself too, which makes him all the more worthy of being in this XI. Appears to be at Huntly now, and even there I bet he ain't scoring shit.