dundeebarry

I have a morbid curiosity about ghost chillies. I know full well how badly they'd f**k me up, but there's a lingering desire to give one a pop. Just to see what it's like. Part of me is putting way too much stock in The Simpsons. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMR53zHrdzg&feature=related If there's even the slightest hope of tripping out and meeting a wise fox voiced by Johnny Cash, I think I'd be prepared to throw caution to the wind.

Good grief. As much as I love spicy food and like pushing the boundaries of what I can handle (whilst still enjoying the taste), this is just plain sadomasicism. Nosebleeds? Fucking nosebleeds? From a curry? Madness!

I can handle Scotch bonnets. They're an excellent addition to a stir fry. I don't recall ever seeing a Dorset Naga in the supermarket, but I'll keep an eye out for them. "Devil's Penis". Good name! "Put small dab on tongue to try it's like licking a light bulb for an hour in 5mins."

True enough, broon. Has anyone tried the notorious ghost pepper? I believe this is the hottest bad boy on the Scoville Scale. Such is its power, it induces rectal activity that registers on the Richter Scale, and is equivalent to chowing down on the fucking Sun. Eating pizza from some dinghy Euro-Tesco is one thing, but taking on the ghost pepper is quite another, I'd imagine. Can anyone source these beasts?

That would look so good as an advertising slogan on the front of the box.

Agreed. A good vindaloo tastes amazing as well as being pretty damn hot. The best I ever tried left me feeling stoned.

Awful news. Good luck, BD. All the very best to you.

Manchester fucking United.

Not sure if this one has been posted already, but it's a bit of a classic that did the rounds a couple of years ago. I believe it's from a club in the Glasgow area. I've been in a nick a few times over the years but these c***s are in an utterly fucking ridiculous state. All the classic club afflictions - and more - are on display: The lassie's got ecto claw (ecstasius gubbedwrist) like nobody's business. The weight of her ear ring appears to be getting the better of her. Gravity's a bitch when you're that fucked. Estimated pill consumption - 9. The boy at the back has one of the best ecto masks (ecstasius meltedcoupon) that I've ever seen. The fact he's still managing to get a hand in the air indicates he's running the show on the dance floor. Estimated pill consumption - 14. The boy at the front's went baws oot to the point he's actually starting the mummification process right there in the middle of the floor. Check his mince pies - nothing but white! That c**t stood rooted to the spot like that for the rest of the night, past closing time and probably had to be wheeled away by the cleaner like some kind of perty warrior Hannibal Lecter. Estimated pill consumption - 35. Minimum. Stephen Hawking wouldn't look out of place among this crew. That's how fucked these people are. They've gone Hawking. He's not their kind of guy though, because while Hawking's undoubtedly a clever c**t, bitch can't fucking dance worth a f**k.

I'm sure we can all guess who Joe is....

Hefty fucking tune.

Pizza 1 - 0 Muggy

Yas! "Eh pure want tae thank a'body wha voted fur iz, fuckin' cheers, aye. Check thon Zola Budd, fuckin' "Awright nae-shoes!". Yaaas! Fleet rule ya bas. Perty at meh hoose." A proud moment in our city's history, jupe.

Like I said, Zen: Dundonian as f**k. Nae c**t messes, particularly with our top athletes. Once I've finished my campaign of terror against the Olympic committee I intend on petitioning the local council to erect a statue of oor Liz in the city centre. By the time the week is out I'll have a bronze version of her in the starting blocks strategically placed in front of Desperate Dan, giving the impression she's about to take one up the shite pipe from the Dandy's top boy.

Ha! Well, I'm pretty sure Liz McColgan has a Commonwealth medal or two, and I know for a fact she honked on the crack pipe throughout her career, so I suppose I did, H_B. Good old Liz Lynch. She's Dundonian as f**k.

With the right incentives on offer (gear, "bus money", 10 Lambert & Butler) they'd give it a fair go. Nae c**t gives something a whirl like a determined junkie. I guarantee most of them would get halfway up towards the bar on their bendy pole before lack of technique saw them crash down onto the safety mat, where they'd get comfy, zone out and spend the rest of the competition mumbling incoherently about Daley Thompson.

The 100m Junkie Obstacle Course would be a fine addition to the upcoming Olympics. Competitors would have to deftly weave their way through an onslaught of stumbling, sunken-eyed, hollow-cheeked f**k ups trying to crash a spare fag and "borrow" 50p for a quite obviously non-existent bus. The finish line would be a queue for methodone prescriptions through which competitors would have to burst through chest-first like a fucking boss. The only way I'd give a passing though to attending an Olympic event would be if junkies were contesting for medals. The pole vault would be tremendous entertainment, and synchronized swimming little more than an exercise in televised drowning. If you're reading this, Seb Coe - and I know you are, bitch - get this show on the road and your glorified school sports day may yet prove to be a success.

Sweet, Magnum. I've got my tiny safari shorts on already and await your 'tache's arrival. See you in the summer.

That's how I roll, Knightswood. Call me dundeehiggins. Mind the dugs, they do bite.

Apologies. She is pretty, no doubt about it. Good work on the Facebook "research". Marshmallo, I'd like to employ you as a my personal private investigator. I shall call you Magnum. You shall grow a fearsome moustache, wear gaudy Hawaiian shirts and seek out further information on the beautiful stranger in the photo. Your reward for such endeavor will be enough green dots to fill a virtual bath with and bathe in. You'll live like a king, Magnum. A king!

In that she looks like Zippy from Rainbow, yes, she does. I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

That zebra's freaking me out, man.

I went back to that post with the intention of sending it over the top into gold star heaven, Marshmallo. Unfortunately I'd already greenied it and cannot do the good deed. If it's any consolation, I've masturbated over it twice now. The girl on the right's a wee sweetheart.

I'm away to have a wee look at the Edinburgh Santas again. They were braw.

Meanwhile, just out of camera shot....