Philomena McCann

A whole fuckin week undercover in a bloody gypsy camp for nothing. Ahm well pissed off. Everything wis goin great until I tried to dae an impromptu DNA test on wee Rosella. Still, that's me soarted fur pegs for a while and ah goat them tae stick a curse on that hoor Kate so no a total waste. That bitch has ruined oor Gerry.

Nae fear cos Auntie Phil's here! Or ah wull be. Later oan the night. Greggs are sellin 2 macaroni pies fur the price ae 1 an i'm gonna fill ma boots! Quick point aboot that Jan Dildo burd. Ah'm just sayin that bitch Kate has a right mean streak. Nuthing mare. Ye cannae pin onyhing on that poor basturt Barry. Bullet residue....whit the f**k is that aw aboot? Oh aye, like ye can take a wee speck ae dust an say it came fae a gun. Ah've never heard such bollocks since someone telt me about dugs smelling death. I'll tell ye somethin - whit are bullets made fae? Metal. Right. Ye still wi me here? Whit else is made fae metal.... that's right... bridges. So that puir basturt takes a wee walk across the Kingston Bridge takes a keek ower the side (maybe for future reference ye ken... dead easy to chuck somehing ower the side i suppose if it's no too big) gets some 'metal' oan him. Next hing ye ken he's banged up for aboot 20 years. A load of shite. See yese the night.

Hullo there ya bunch ae fandans. It's Auntie Phil here again ready to sort oot the truth fae all the shite. Sorry fur no bein roond fur a while but i hud tae get rid of ma internet when those basturts at Greggs put up the price of steak bakes by two whole pee. That's been costin me an extra fucking 40 quid a month. So ah had tae economise. Credit crunchie an aw that. First hings firsts. Aboot them polis files fae portugal. Whit a load of shite. So they thought oor Maddie had been taken to Holland but did hee-haw aboot it!? I knew that bunch of orange basturts would have had sumhing to dae with it. And sniffer dugs could smell the scent of death - aye, well that bitch Kate might have a fishy fanny but it disnae make her a mackerel. She wiz never guid enough fur oor Gerry. Stupit basturtin dugs. Oor Gerry's been daein his nut ower the past few months. He's had to put up wi a load of shite about 'abusing' oor Maddie's fund. But as he wiz telling me when i visited him on his new gold-plated yacht (wi child-proof barriers - he'll no be making that mistake again....actshully, ignore that) he's got tae live an it costs a shite-load of money tae go roond the world again and again. But enough shite fae me. Ah'm back tae answer ony question ye may have aboot the polis file, oor Maddy or any other shite.