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  1. 363 points
    The Derek McInnes debacle has simply confirmed what most of us already knew; the Banter Years are never going away. As @djchapsticks correctly pointed out in the The Rangers Next Permanent Manager thread: I believe that a full, comprehensive list of these fuckups needs to be kept enshrined somewhere on the internet, and where better to do so than on Pie and Bovril. All contributions welcome, and will be updating the OP with the best of the moments that you can remember from the last 5 years. Let's get the ball rolling, shall we? The Banter Years 2011/12 13th February 2012: Rangers announce their intention to go into Administration. 14th February 2012: Rangers go into Administration and are docked 10 points, ending any title bid. Fans gather outside the gates of Ibrox demanding answers, and one declares to the news cameras that 'the big hoose must stay open!', regardless of what happens next. 16th February 2012: Manager Ally McCoist is interviewed from his car window, defiantly stating that 'we don't do walking away.' 18th February 2012: The fans pack Ibrox to the rafters, looking to send a defiant message to the rest of Scottish football. Kilmarnock beat them 1-0. 3rd March 2012: Rumours surface that Rangers will not be granted a licence to compete in Europe next season, owing to accounts from 2011 not being submitted to UEFA. Little do they realise that, where they're heading, they won't be needing to worry about qualifying for European football any time soon. 5th April 2012: Rangers' debts are estimated to be some £134m, including just shy of £100m owed to HMRC. 7th April 2012: There is a full stadium display at Ibrox, whereby fans are encouraged to 'show a red card to liquidation'. Who can forget this HILARIOUS Union Bears display? 13th May 2012: A consortium - led by Charles Green - agrees to buy the club from Craig Whyte, confident of securing a CVA with HMRC in order to 'preserve the club's history'. 2012/13 12th June 2012: Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (yes, the same Her Majesty who Rangers fans sing their praises of) announce that they will reject the Company Voluntary Agreement that would've spared Rangers from being liquidated. 4th July 2012: Newco Rangers are refused entry into the SPL. The hope is that they will be admitted into the SFL's top tier, Division 1, allowing a swift return to the top flight. 13th July 2012: Rangers instead are ordered to start life in the 3rd Division, at that time the lowest tier of the Scottish football pyramid. 29th July 2012: Rangers need extra time to beat Brechin in the first round of the Ramsdens Cup. The ball also gets stuck on top of the famous Glebe Park hedge. 7th August 2012: Kevin Kyle signs, he later recalls: 'I sat down with the manager and he asked what I was looking for and I just said a crazy figure and I almost got what I wanted'. 11th August 2012: Rangers' first game in the 3rd Division ends in a 2-2 draw at Peterhead. They need a last minute equaliser from Andy Little to rescue them from defeat. 18th September 2012: Rangers are knocked out of the Ramsdens Cup on penalties at home to Queen of the South. 6th October 2012: Rangers lose to Stirling Albion, who are without a manager for the day as Greig McDonald is busy getting married. After seven games, Rangers' Third Division record reads played 7, won 3, drawn 3 and lost 1. 23rd November 2012: Elgin City vs Rangers is postponed, after Elgin sell too many tickets and have to call off the game on safety grounds. 2nd December 2012: Rangers beat Elgin 3-0 in the Scottish Cup Fourth Round, but a dancing fan in the away end steals the limelight. 29th December 2012: Some 30,000 Rangers fans travel to Hampden to play Queens Park. They require a 91st minute winner against the ten men. There are jubilant celebrations. Meanwhile, future multi-million pound player Andy Robertson plays a full 90 minutes at left back for Queens Park and escapes the notice of the Rangers scouts. 16th January 2013: Ally McCoist beams proudly, standing with the single greatest bar chart ever produced. 2nd February 2013: Rangers draw Dundee United away in the Scottish Cup fifth round, and the board declares a boycott of Tannadice. 365 Rangers fans turn up anyway and watch United dismantle them 3-0. 3rd April 2013: Francisco Sandaza is sacked after falling for a prank call from a Celtic fan masquerading as an agent, in which he expressed his desire to leave the club. 2013/14 24th July 2013: Rangers lose 1-0 in a friendly at Hillsborough. They unveil the worst banner ever seen, congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on having a baby. 3rd August 2013: Nicky Law's claims that Rangers can win the quadruple are extinguished by . 12th September 2013: Ian Black is suspended for 10 games by the SFA after admitting to placing bets on football matches. 22nd September 2013: Rangers exact revenge on Forfar in the league with a 1-0 win. Ally McCoist blames the wind for Rangers not scoring more. 14th December 2013: Stenhousemuir vs Rangers is postponed, it is mistakenly thought at first to have been high winds that caused a burger van blows into a temporary stand at Ochilview. 4th January 2014: Ally McCoist goes to the media and complains about a fixture pile up of 4 games in 11 days, despite his side being 14 points clear at the top and having a wage bill at least 10 times the size of anyone else's in League One. 22nd February 2014: A rare slip up for Rangers in the league as they draw 3-3 at home to Stenhousemuir. Sean Higgins' late equaliser - and his subsequent celebration - sends Rangers TV commentator Tom Miller into meltdown. 6th April 2014: The first of the big game Banter Year losses IMHO. 7th April 2014: Furious backlash as Rangers' staff party goes ahead as scheduled. Ally McCoist is caught doing karaoke just hours after loss to Raith. 12th April 2014: Despite being handed home advantage in a Scottish Cup semi final, . 2014/15 27th June 2014: Kris Boyd returns to Rangers, he winds up scoring just 3 goals in 29 Championship games. He goes on to be brilliant once again at Kilmarnock. 10th August 2014: Rangers find themselves in the Championship with both Hearts and Hibs. On the opening day, trailing 1-0 to Hearts in injury time, they pull a last minute equaliser out of the bag to rescue a point. Except and gives Hearts the three points and the springboard to cruise to the title. 3rd September 2014: It is revealed that, in 2012, Mike Ashley bought the naming rights to Ibrox for a quid. 1st November 2014: Rangers progress to the League Cup semi final, and are drawn against Celtic for the first game between the two clubs since 2012. . 3rd December 2014: Rangers are 2-0 up at Alloa and cruising into the Petrofac Training Cup final. . 12 December 2014: Ally McCoist offers his resignation, it's all up in the air for a few days and Rangers eventually confirm this. But he carries on as manager until... 21st December 2014: Ally McCoist is placed on gardening leave. Kenny McDowall, with all the willingness of an Iranian hostage, becomes caretaker. 22nd December 2014: The Rangers AGM to end all Rangers AGMs. Held in a gazebo, fans stuck in the away corner of Ibrox, everybody boos. Just glorious. 27th December 2014: . Hearts go 15 points clear at the top. 16th January 2015: , the fans then try to . 20th January 2015: . It's bigger than Frost-Nixon. 8th February 2015: , the ground's almost empty and Rangers are out of the Scottish Cup. 7th March 2015: Just a week after Hearts demolish Cowdenbeath 10-0, Rangers can only manage a 0-0 draw against the Blue Brazil. . 12th March 2015: Stuart McCall is appointed Rangers manager. He starts off with home draws to relegation fodder Livingston and Alloa. 17th March 2015: . 2nd May 2015: Despite comfortably having the biggest budget in the league, . 28th May 2015: After seeing off Queen of the South and Hibs, a full house at Ibrox watches on . 31st May 2015: This is the second big game in the Banter Years. Rangers go to Fir Park knowing anything less than a 2 goal win is insufficient. . Here are just some of the incidents that occur: Lee McCulloch nearly has his eye taken out by a flag, Cammy Bell punches a looping ball into his own net, and Motherwell fans invade the pitch to goad the tiny allocation that Rangers were given. Rangers stay in the Championship for a second season, and their grand sweep back to the top flight of Scottish football is derailed. 2015/16 15th June 2015: Mark Warburton becomes Rangers manager. On paper it's a pretty good appointment. 25th July 2015: . A good result, however their fans are preoccupied welcoming Hibs player Scott Allan (who has been linked with them all summer) to their club, just as they a decade ago with Scott Brown. 13th August 2015: Boyhood Rangers fan Scott Allan ends up joining Celtic instead. Hibs also get Liam Henderson out of the deal, he'll reappear later. 22nd September 2015: Rangers' storming start to the season is finally put on hold by in the League Cup at Ibrox. 19th December 2015: Rangers chuck away an 8 point lead at the top. means they're now level on points with Hibs. 10th April 2016: , having wrapped up the league a few days earlier. Things are looking up. 17th April 2016: . This is it. The Rangers are back. We've got a title race on next season, and Rangers only have to beat Hibs in the final to secure European football and crown a fantastic season. 21st May 2016: . I'm biased, but this arguably might be the absolute peak of the Banter Years, solely because of what happens next. David Gray heads in a last minute winner, the full time whistle blows and . A couple of fans goad/mildly irritate Rangers players, who subsequently refuse to collect their runner up medals. A handful of Rangers fans attempt to restore order by going onto the pitch themselves, and scuffles break out. Rangers then release an utter heads gone of a statement, and claims are made that all 11 Rangers players have been attacked. 22nd May 2016: The true dawn of the statement era starts here. Rangers, sore from the defeat the day before, double down on their original statement. The website crashes as the whole of Scottish football attempts to get on and read it. 2016-17 24th May 2016: Rangers sign Joey Barton. Joey Barton immediately goes on the offensive promising all sorts of 'I'll take on Celtic single-handedly' stuff. 6th August 2016: Rangers fans unveil big stadium display promising that they're 'GOING FOR 55'. Mark Warburton admits a few years later that his 'heart sank' when he saw the display, as it was a hugely optimistic goal. They proceed to draw 1-1 at home to Hamilton Accies. 19th August 2016: , who takes a red card for the team (AKA humanity). 20th August 2016: Rangers sign Joe Garner for £1.8m, their first £1m+ signing of the Banter Years. He doesn't even last a year. 10th September 2016: Rangers go to Parkhead for the first time since 2012, . 13th September 2016: In attempts at 'clear the air' talks after the defeat, Joey Barton and Andy Halliday get into a massive spat. Barton is sent home from training. 19th September 2016: Marquee summer signing Joey Barton is banned from training for 3 weeks. 25th September 2016: Rangers go to Pittodrie, . Warburton rages about the free kick being given. 10th November 2016: Joey Barton leaves Rangers, with his autobiography firmly promoted. 16th November 2016: Martyn Waghorn, carrying a fish supper, is called "shite" by a schoolchild. Waghorn confronts the kid, who doesn't back down. It goes viral on Twitter. 23rd December 2016: Rangers fans hijack the generic Glad All Over chant to serenade Joey Garner, they try to take it to #1 in the Christmas charts. In their infinite delusion, they believe that they're close to doing so, when in fact they've only managed to get the song to 31st. 1st February 2017: Ian Cathro's Hearts beat Rangers 4-1. That is not a typo. . 10th February 2017: Mark Warburton resigns. Except he hasn't. Except he has. Except he hasn't. Except he has. This goes on all night, and eventually it's revealed that Warburton tried to jump ship to Forest and the Rangers board called his bluff. All in all, a PR farce. More statements released. 19th February 2017: Murtymania is running wild. Graeme Murty is the new caretaker manager. . He does a headstand. Hilarity ensues. 24th February 2017: . Perhaps this Murty isn't all he's cracked up to be. 11th March 2017: Pedro Caixinha becomes Rangers manager. His first task is to watch Rangers take another pumping at Celtic Park, but wait... 12th March 2017: . Murty is now the messiah in the eyes of Rangers fans for drawing with Celtic, which shows just how hurt they must be. 7th May 2017: . . 'The Banter Years are over!', they proclaim. 17th May 2017: , another proud record of Rangers' falls. . 21st May 2017: Rangers' 'Going for 55' season ends with them limping to 3rd, as close to St Johnstone in 4th as they are to Aberdeen in 2nd. Caixinha is kept on. 2017/18 19th June 2017: Rangers - starting their European journey with hopes of reaching the group stages - are drawn against Progrès Niederkorn, minnows of the Luxembourg league. 29th June 2017: In mildly embarrassing circumstances, with them to Luxembourg for the second leg. The fans also throw paper at the Progrès keeper and will eventually be fined by UEFA for this. 4th July 2017: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. and go out of the Europa League 2-1 on aggregate at the very first hurdle. This is the JFK moment of the Banter Years, everyone will remember where they were. Pedro Caixinha is seen standing in a hedge, arguing with fans. 12th August 2017: Rangers welcome Hibs to Ibrox for the first match between the two sides since the 2016 Scottish Cup final. The fans smell blood and with Neil Lennon in charge of Hibs this has the feel of an Old Firm game. Remarkably it's kept off TV, but Hibs win 3-2 (again) and Neil Lennon gestures to the fans. 13th August 2017: Club 1872 suffer a severe cranial detachment about said gestures and release a statement applauding their fans for not being provoked. 22nd October 2017: , which is not really what any of their fans had expected, despite Louis Moult being a far better footballer than anything they have to offer. Alves elbows Moult while Rangers' Fábio Cardoso suffers a broken nose from a Bowman elbow and, you guessed it... 24th October 2017: Rangers suffer a severe cranial detachment as Bruno Alves is given a two game ban and Bowman gets off with nothing. 26th October 2017: After snatching at home to Kilmarnock, Pedro Caixinha is sacked. A loyal servant to the Banter Years. 18th November 2017: Graeme Murty, somehow still in charge as caretaker of Rangers at this point, oversees . 24th November 2017: Not to be outdone from his last stint as Rangers caretaker, Murty again travels to the bottom club on a Friday night and loses. . 3rd December 2017: Graeme Murty masterfully guides Rangers to victories in the space of a week over Derek McInnes' Aberdeen to haul Rangers into second. 4th December 2017: But what's this? After 5 weeks of deliberation, Rangers have decided that they want Derek McInnes. The media tapping up goes into overdrive, it appears that Rangers have got their man until... 7th December 2017: Derek McInnes decides to stay at Aberdeen, Rangers release a pathetic 'didn't want him anyway' statement and use the word concomitant. 8th December 2017: In Aberdeen's next match, their fans unveil a banner reading 'Concomitant you Reds'. 11th March 2018: Celtic go to Ibrox with Rangers knowing that a win for them will take them just 3 points behind, the title race is on when Josh Windass fires Rangers into a lead. With the game delicately poised at 2-2, Celtic are reduced to ten men. Surely this is the moment for Rangers to pounce? No, Édouard scores and 10 man Celtic win 3-2. 15th April 2018: But Rangers have one more chance to stop Celtic's double treble in their tracks. . Boyhood Rangers fan Andy Halliday is substituted before half time and , and Candeias storms down the tunnel when he's taken off. Celtic are now undefeated in ten derbies. 17th April 2018: Captain Lee Wallace and veteran striker Kenny Miller are suspended after an altercation with Graeme Murty. The club is in turmoil. 24th April 2018: Hibs cut Rangers' away allocation at Easter Road for the final game of the season. Rangers release a late night statement full of tears and snotters, swearing revenge on Hibs for having the audacity to turn away the blue pound. It's not the first statement about Hibs that Jim Traynor has scrawled in crayon. 29th April 2018: As long as Rangers can avoid defeat at Parkhead, Celtic will not be able to win the title against their bitter rivals. This plan falls apart as Celtic race to a 5-0 lead within 53 minutes. Quite honestly, Celtic taking their foot off the gas is all that stops it being much, much worse for the Ibrox side. 1st May 2018: Graeme Murty is removed from his position as Rangers manager. Just who does Dave King turn to now? 4th May 2018: Steven Gerrard is appointed as the next manager of Rangers, with much pomp and fanfare from the Ibrox club. 13th May 2018: Rangers, who famously refuse to settle for second best, are forced to settle for third for the second consecutive season. They end on a high note, drawing 5-5 with Hibs at Easter Road in a match that went from the hosts being 3-0 up, to Rangers leading 5-3, to Jamie Maclaren rescuing a point with a last minute equaliser. Neil Lennon, a permanent thorn in Rangers' side, celebrates Hibs' last minute equaliser by pretending that he is an aeroplane. 2018/19 5th August 2018: A late equaliser from Aberdeen's Bruce Anderson denies Steven Gerrard his first three points as Rangers manager. He's not worried, though, as he proclaims that Rangers are 'a class above' Aberdeen - a quote that may reemerge later. Alfredo Morelos earns his first of three red cards against Aberdeen this season. 12th August 2018: A full stadium display is planned for Rangers' first domestic home game under Gerrard, the message is simple: 'Our Club, Our City'. Unfortunately, it gets leaked again, and the visiting St Mirren fans take full advantage. 23rd August 2018: Rangers have made a flying start to the Gerrard era. In a pre-match press conference days before their game at Fir Park, Motherwell captain Peter Hartley remarks that seeing Fábio Cardoso break his nose in last season's League Cup semi final 'was fun to watch, the way he was weeping.' He is forced to apologise. 26th August 2018: Peter Hartley scores an injury time header to snatch a point against Rangers. 28th October 2018: After all sorts of ticketing rows and statements, Rangers meet Aberdeen in the League Cup semi final. With Celtic having beaten Hearts earlier in the day, Rangers know that they are 90 minutes away from a first Old Firm final since 2011. Once again, it doesn't go to plan. Lewis Ferguson, son of Rangers forward Derek, gets the late winner for Aberdeen. 8th November 2018: It's another heads gone statement from Rangers, and they don't even have the guts to tweet it through fear of ridicule. Daniel Candeias is (admittedly ridiculously) sent off by Willie Collum the previous Saturday, and upon finding out that their appeal is unsuccessful, the toys go out of the pram once again. 29th December 2018: Rangers win 1-0 against Celtic. Joyous scenes at Ibrox. They've finally seen off their bitter foe and the title race is on! 5th January 2019: With a three-way duel between Celtic, Rangers and Kilmarnock on the cards, Rangers take preventative steps and sign Jordan Jones from Kilmarnock. They won't be needing his services until the summer, however, so they opt to sign him on a pre-contract. There's always a risk with these deals that the player gets injured, or worse... 23rd January 2019: Jordan Jones scores the winner against his future club and deals their title hopes a massive blow in the process, as Kilmarnock beat Rangers 2-1 at Rugby Park. On social media, pockets of Rangers fans demand that his contract is torn up immediately. 3rd March 2019: Aberdeen hold Rangers to a draw in their Scottish Cup quarter final. They'll meet again a week on Tuesday at Ibrox, with Aberdeen in Glasgow to play Celtic just 72 hours earlier. It seems unlikely that Derek McInnes could pull off a third win in Glasgow over Rangers in a single season, something that no Aberdeen manager has ever done before. 12th March 2019: Rangers lose 2-0 to Aberdeen in the replay and crash out of the Scottish Cup. Aberdeen, a club previously synonymous with bottling games against the Old Firm in Glasgow, have now knocked Rangers out of both cup competitions. After 29 games, Rangers have only one point more in the league than they did last season. The natives are growing restless. 16th March 2019: The Vanguard Bears, a lovely bunch of people, organise a protest outside BBC Scotland's headquarters. They fail to account for the horrendous weather forecasted, and about thirty people stand behind a banner in the howling wind and rain. Meanwhile on the pitch, Kilmarnock have possession but luckily 'they're not going anywhere really'. The game ends 1-1. Steven Gerrard's interview with Rangers TV is Cathro levels of bad. 2019/20 18th July 2019: Rangers and Progrès Niederkorn are reacquainted in the Europa League once again. 13th Nov 2019: It emerges that the Banter Years might've been based on HMRC messing up a tax bill. Rangers supporters are...slightly hacked off by this. 15th Nov 2019: After a couple of days of pious indignation from the Rangers support, HMRC's response firmly shuts down this suggestion. 8th Dec 2019: Rangers and Celtic meet in the League Cup Final. It is surely now a chance for Rangers to finally show that they're back and win silverware. They simply batter Celtic for the first hour without managing to score. Celtic somehow score on the counter with an offside goal. Rangers win a penalty and Celtic are reduced to ten men. Captain Tavernier soils himself and gives the ball to Alfredo 'has never scored against Celtic' Morelos, who promptly hits a weak penalty that man-of-the-match Fraser Forster saves well. Celtic go on to win their tenth consecutive trophy. Rangers are heartbroken, Ryan Jack is on the brink of tears at full time. 29th Dec 2019: In a turn up for the books, Rangers beat Celtic away from home for the first time since 2010. It's an excellent performance, and the Gers are now two points behind Celtic with a game in hand. However, its place in this thread is justified by the antics of Alfredo 'has never scored against Celtic' Morelos. Through on goal in the last minute of the game and with the chance to end his drought, the Colombian forward promptly dives to the floor and fools absolutely nobody. He receives and second yellow and, as he leaves the park, makes a cutting-his-throat gesture at the Celtic fans. 30th Dec 2019: To prove that they are as dignified in victory as they are in defeat, Rangers release a statement. It covers topics such as criticising Kevin Clancy's refereeing performance, calling for the introduction of VAR into Scottish football, and excusing Morelos' gesture under the grounds that it is simply 'South American'. 26th Jan 2020: Rangers' traditional January slump continues with a defeat at bottom club Hearts, giving Tynecastle boss Daniel Stendel his first league win. Rangers' precious game in hand has been squandered before they even had the chance to play it. A Hearts fan does Ryan Kent a belter and a camera is on hand to capture the moment. 29th Jan 2020: News breaks that a man has tampered with Alfredo Morelos' car. Many Rangers fans immediately take to the internet to moralise, not just against the (presumed) Celtic fan guilty for this action, but also against pundits with an "anti-Rangers agenda", such as Chris Sutton. At first, this seems like a very serious incident that has no place on this list, until... 1st Feb 2020: A Sunday Mail exclusive drops late on Saturday night, which claims that the car tamperer in question is in fact a private investigator that Morelos' pregnant wife had hired because of suspicions that he was cheating on her. One can almost hear the sound of thousands of Rangers keyboards simultaneously hitting the backspace button. Oh, and this comes after Rangers are held to a frustrating 0-0 draw at home by a bang average Aberdeen side. 12th Feb 2020: Rangers lose 2-1 to Kilmarnock, courtesy of a late Eamonn Brophy winner at Rugby Park. Killie have by now unquestionably taken the baton from Hibs as the club who seem to exist purely to annoy Rangers. Gerrard's side are now ten points behind Celtic, and the title race now appears to be over. 26th Feb 2020: The league might be over, but there's plenty of cause for optimism in Europe. Having beaten Braga both at home and away, Rangers are into the last 16 of the Europa League. The very next night, Celtic are knocked out of the same tournament by F.C. Copenhagen. Even a tough draw against Bayer Leverkusen the following day can't damp the spirits of the Rangers support. 29th Feb 2020: A Scottish Cup quarter final defeat against bottom club Hearts, however? Yeah, that might do it. Daniel Stendel earns just his fourth win as manager (the others coming against third tier Airdrieonians and Falkirk) with a 1-0 victory over the Ibrox side. Both Tavernier and McGregor are at fault for the goal. Gerrard is verging on inconsolable in his interview. 4th Mar 2020: Rangers suffer their second league defeat at home to Hamilton Accies in three years. As mentioned previously, before these defeats they had not lost at home to Accies in the league since 1926. David Moyo benefits from Connor Goldson's generosity to score the only goal as Accies leave Govan with three points. As Hearts' win at Hibs 24 hours earlier had lifted them off the bottom, Rangers' defeat to Accies means they have suffered back-to-back defeats against the bottom side in the SPFL Premiership in the space of just four days. This is made all the funnier by many of those inside Ibrox carrying out a minute's applause in the eighth minute to honour manager Steven Gerrard. By the full time whistle, many Rangers fans want Gerrard gone. YouTube vlogger 'Thogden' is on hand to capture the seethe.
  2. 231 points
    hiya pals,im afraid im gonny be goin away for a bit so this will be the last youl hear of me im afraid. its quite a long story but alow me to fill yous in. my pals and me always play jokes on eachother on our birthdays it started as simple things like my pal derek who has a car and he can drive we tinfoyeled his car,completely covered and we all laughed, and then nathan henderson who still does the tablet and fudge sellin round the doors,we made a macaroon bar with a dog shit and some pencil sharpnins and he even sold it to alec thomsons grandad bill for 50p and we laughed. these were harmles fun but gary morrison took it two far at my birthday cos hed been pretending to be me on a forum called nambla-chat,i dinny ken what it is probably some eropean heavy metal band or some shite that hes into, but anyway he registered as young_chigsy_from_scotland_loves_old_cock and he used a pic of me from bebo and he chatted up all these old sicos who were pedophiles and this one guy from germany had just got out of jail and was on the forum and gary morrison chatted him up,as me, and the guy started sayin he loved me, exept it wasnt me it was gary morrison pretendin. but then he gave him my address and this german pedo turned up in scotland 2 weeks later on my birthday and tried to get in my house to kiss me and show me his willy and that. lucky for me derek was there and he went out and chibbed the c**t. lucky escape aye but i was angry at gary morrison for takin it two far,at the end of the day my bumhole is exit only and 57yr old hans weiner from dusildorf wasny gonny change taht and then i swore revenge on gary morrison on his birthday. gary morrison has boring birthday parties with all his family and that at his house and hes got loads of old ppl in his family but i was there with stevie hall and we were playin cod on xboxlive for ages which i like to do cos he has the hedset and i like to shout 'americans are gay' when americans are talking but i do it in an english voice and then there like 'oooh would you like a cup of tea' also in an english voice but anyway my revnge plan was simple. i was gonny pretend to go home at night but not go home and insted id hide under his bed until he went to bed then id jump out on him,,,,revenge and job done, chigsy style. i said i was away home and said cheerio to him and aw the old fuddy dudys and that but after leavin the livin room i sneaked of upstairs. before takin my hiding place i drew a cock on the head of a guy on his blink182 poster, then i got his anhaler of his bedside cabinet and rubbed my nob on it, well you cant have two much revenge when youv nearly been arseshagged i thought as i got under the bed. he got to his room sooner than id thought after fucking about next door in the toilet for ages, dirty wee c***s probably havin a chug i thought, then the door opened and the light came on, he had a pair of ridicilos baffies on like an old wifey would were and i was lookin forward two takin the piss out him for them later on. as the light went out and he got in bed i let him settle before divin out, jumpin under the covers grabbin him and shoutin 'GONNY SHAG YE, AM GONNY SHAG YE'. i didnt know gary morrisons 89yr old gran ethil from coatbridge always stayed at his on his birthdays as it was too late for her two go home,and i also didnt know that he always gave the old boot a shot of his bed and he slept downstares on the couch. by the time the ambulence got there id tryed to climb out the window but got stuck and had to get pulled back in by gary morrisons dad but nobody actualy battered me which i was happy about but they were all realy cryin and upset and that. i had to talk to the police later that night in the police station. i always thought manslaughter was a ps2 game but apparently im gonny have to spend a wee bit of time as a guest of her magesty and ive a bad feelin that the bum beastin i escaped the first time will come back and hont me. i suppose gary morrison had the last laugh after all altho he wont get a £5note in a card from granny ethil next yr so every cloud and that eh. wish me luck,ill need it. i hope i dont get a room mate who posts on the nambla forum likes.
  3. 159 points
  4. 154 points
  5. 139 points
    ***s getting Kiled right at the death...
  6. 132 points
    Thought we could have a thread to catalogue all the moments of diddiness, scummery and outright bigotry from the two cheeks of the Old Filth. One game in to the season and a cracker from each of them so far. This absolute shambles from the morons at Parkhead Then today, The Rangers fans caved in the roof of the disabled section onto the heads of those below, leaving a couple of dozen fans in wheelchairs needing to be evacuated. I'm sure over the course of the season, fans of every club will have many reasons to bump this thread. Scum and morons the lot of them.
  7. 130 points
    Okay. As I'm not much of an active member on the board these days, I'm quite careful to not get drawn into tit-for-tat. Actually, I've not done an MS Paint drawing in almost two years. This subject, however, has annoyed me and I think it's worth covering. It's all been said in this thread, so I'll get straight down to business and let the drawing do the talking. I call this one 'Caught Brown-Handed'. As we all know, Bobby Skidmarks is a pretty prominent member of our fine community. What many of you don't know, however, is that Bobby is a sex worker. The cold, hard streets of Polwarth are a difficult place to ply his trade. Inflation is rising, demand is shrinking and the area has changed. Times are tough; especially when there are people out to get you. With Red Dots. Luckily, Bobby's pimp, Raul, is an understanding c**t that doesn't give the faintest glimmer of a f**k regarding complaints. Unless, that is, it gets in the way of Bobby selling his Fanny Posters — 'Posters of Famous Fannies'. Regardless, the unfortunate set of circumstances that tried to fling Oor Boab off his sales target, also flung a few spanners in the works. Spanners that were scented, shaped and flavoured like shit. Human shit. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this and that it reminds you to play nice. Thank you.
  8. 128 points
    Kilt and Swampy, VT and Rab B Deefiant stole the cash, H_B, Supras. Grimbo's pets got fried, Hibs won the cup and Rangers died, Another alias for Magee, phoney Tony, Fat Daz P. Sex prams for the maimed, Weeper Dee's dad got brained Chigsy said goodbye, Slippery P needs an alibi Skidmarks hassled at his work, Peterhead for Alexandra Burke Munster shagged a humpback lady, Waffen Thin Mint was kinda crazy. Wisbit, John McVeigh is a tit 8 mile flinging shit, Bennett in his bedsit Div said sorry to mumsnet, Lambie's pidgeon lost his bet, Caught up in a dotting war, I can't take it anymore We didn't start the fire...
  9. 122 points
  10. 119 points
    Here's my earlier promised attempt; I tried to post this yesterday but the forum appeared to be offline. Anyway, this one depicts vikingTon fulfilling his primary function of berating people at random (the old, seafaring sjc in this instance) from the lofty heights of the 'Box Office'. Stay classy, vikingTon. #unlucks
  11. 118 points
  12. 111 points
    I'll make it short... (an animated short) Busy Nizzy And The Beast Saga - Part 1
  13. 111 points
    Ask - and you shall receive... Edited to switch image-host - again.
  14. 108 points
  15. 102 points
    You know what just f**k off. You can run to your mate Div to try and get the ban overturned. Tit.
  16. 94 points
  17. 93 points
    Dude, the Colt teams (we call them Young Ajax/PSV/and so on) have ruined our lower leagues and anyone from the SFA trying to butter fans up to their inclusion is lying through their teeth as to the reasons for their inclusion; these officials can and should be considered snake oil merchants as far as I'm concerned. We had Young Ajax win our Championship in 2017/2018, partly because their side was stacked with first team members who needed some game time and a fair few players like Carel Eiting and Noussair Mazraoui who will be playing Spurs tomorrow. All Young/Colt teams play in front of empty stands, bring zero away fans, and cause a dip in attendances whenever they visit a real club because, frankly, no one can get excited about playing them. The Scottish pyramid has enough problems on its own without Colts running around shitting up the place.
  18. 93 points
    I’m reasonably content
  19. 89 points
    Pedro Caixinha being rather unconvincing the previous season Dave King claims Celtic's titles don't count because Ra Bearz weren't there Rangers signing a variety of Portuguese and Mexican jobbers for a lot of money Pedro bans Green Boots Pedro selling his best prospect for buttons Rangers scrape a very unimpressive 1-0 against the 4th best team in Luxembourg Rangers get bodied 2-0 by said Luxembourg based side ensuring the worst result in their history despite having lost to Stirling Albion and Annan in the last decade.
  20. 87 points
    Will go on record and say that the last 4 months have been the only time in my life I've been even remotely embarrassed to be a Thistle fan. I can always accept shite players, shite games, shite seasons and shite managers. Relegation and cup pumpings are part and parcel of supporting a diddy team, so you can always accept it. But the utter nonsense we are hitting out with just now is beyond parody. The world literally came to a standstill. Hundreds of thousands of people have died, many thousands more have lost loved ones, jobs, etc. Football was and is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. There was never going to be a solution that satisfied every team, so it makes complete sense the worst teams in each division bare the brunt of it. Hearts and Thistle only have themselves to blame.
  21. 85 points
    PLENTY GUID OANEST LADDIES AT EASHTER ROAD, GIES MA JOAB BACK AND AHL GIT YE SHREE POYNTS EACH WEEK
  22. 85 points
    The most damning indictment possible of Rangers fans is the fact that nothing that's happened recently comes as a surprise. I think pretty much all of us fully expect Fatty McCoist to throw a tear stained tantrum demanding "answers", followed by a large number of the social degenerates that support them to issue death threats. Indeed, it would have been a shock if there hadn't been any threat or intimidation. Quite a few clubs have fallen foul of the rules in recent years. Ourselves, Livingston and Gretna have all been punished to varying degrees for going into administration. Hearts seem to be permanently getting on the SFA's tits. Hamilton were relegated after a player strike to name but a few. NONE of those clubs fans to my knowledge issued a single death threat against anyone involved. Only the Old Firm, and in particular the perma-raging brain-donors that follow Rangers. I really really hope this puts the SFA's backs up for the appeal and they wipe the floor with the c***s. It would be the best piece of telt ever if they were to give McCoist a year's touchline ban for incitement, shortly after upholding Whyte's fine and doubling the embargo. It's an oft-used analogy in this thread, but Rangers are like the school bully who finally been given a taste of his own medicine. They don't know how to handle everyone else finally standing up to them and devolved into a tear stained lash out at anyone and everyone. The current state of play is the playground equivalent of the fat c**t being decked and all the little kids who've suffered at his hands for year kicking the f**k out of them. Don't stop. Keep the kicks coming. Make these worthless motherfuckers suffer until they finally die a pitiful whimpering death. Today has shown that these c***s will never change. They're fucking scum.
  23. 82 points
  24. 82 points
    Good old Leigh Griffiths. I think the blog's a champion idea. I only wish they'd granted my request to ghost write it for him. According to the rejection letter I received, my effort is, and I quote, "in the hands of the club's legal team". Sakes. I thought it was bang on the money. Here's an extract - "Life is good in Dundee. When I say good, I mean it's a seemingly never ending onslaught of abject misery and pain. I've been housed in a teepee in Caird Park. According to Bob 'Hefty Love Cannon' Brannan (that's not my name for him, by the way - he walks around with a name tag saying exactly that) it's the 'best o' the teckle', the finest accomodation in the city. Who am I to argue? Afterall, I was born, raised and educated in a portaloo at the top of Leith Walk. The training regieme at Dens is nothing short of insane. It begins when we're taken into the city centre and told to do laps round the aisles of Tesco Metro. Shoplifting is encouraged. Rab Douglas treats it like Supermarket Sweep, and runs round filling a trolley before bolting out the door while Tony Bullock distracts the security guard with his sword swallowing routine. We reconvene at Dens and empty our pockets of any stolen goods we managed to get hold of. Our glorious leader, Jocky Scott, surveys the booty. This is how he picks the team for Saturday. The 11 players whose contraband has the highest monetary value start. Paul McHale returned once with a Lion Bar and Tesco Value toilet roll. Jocky took him to one side and berated him mercilessly. 'Em no wiping meh arse wi that, McHale! Jocky needs the two-ply luxury bog roll ya daft c**t! Dinnae even like Lion Bars either!'. Poor Paul is unlikely to get a game for the rest of the season after that episode. Having warmed up at Tesco, it's down to some work with the ball. Only we don't use balls. Jocky insists we'll become better players if we learn to play with plastic bags filled with human hair. I quietly asked Colin McMenanin where all the hair came from, and he pointed out Gary Harkins sitting by the side of the pitch being shaved by a team of barbers. Harkins is hairier than a gorilla. He gets an all over body shave then goes from being as smooth as a baby's bum to hairier than Teen Wolf in less than 60 seconds. It's really quite remarkable to watch, the man's a freak of nature. As we do passing exercises with bags full of Gary's hair Jocky patrols the touchline, stripped to the waist, bellowing at us through a megaphone. He splices motivational encouragement with lines from his favourite Beastie Boys songs. 'That's it lads, keep it up..................I'm tellin' all y'all this is sabotage!.................keep it on the ground lads, one touch to control, one to pass....................you gotta fight! For your right! To paaaaaarty!.....................easy ball lads, that's the game'. His mood often sours when we have a bounce game. I must have fallen out of favour with the man. As we're playing he'll howl 'WHA'S IN F*CKING CHERGE HERE? GRIFFITHS YA C*NT, GET OVER HERE!'. I jog over, terrified. He puts the megaphone down, spits on me, and asks 'Leigh, wha's in f*cking cherge here son?'. Shaking with fear I reply 'Ummmm, you are boss'. He nods. 'F*cking right I am. Now get back in the game ya wee fanny'. I get no further than 10 yards away when he's bellowing through the microphone again 'GRIFFITHS YA C*NT, GET OVER HERE!'. I turn round and jog back. He picks his nose and wipes it on my chin before asking 'Leigh..........wha's in f*cking cherge here, eh?'. 'You are boss', I stammer. He tells me to get back in the game again. I get about 10 yards away and he's at it again 'WHA'S IN F*CKING CHERGE HERE YA C*NTS?? GRIFFITHS!! OVER HERE YA WEE RAT!!'. This cycle goes on and on. One time it went on past the point where the rest of the team left and went home. Back and forth I went for hours, Jocky bellowing at me through megaphone with his top off, calling me all kinds of names and asking who was in charge before sending me back to a bounce game that wasn't even going on anymore. As darkness fell he eventually left me be. He strapped on a jetpack and took off out over the Main Stand, shouting 'ok Leigh, good session son. See ya tomorrow'. As he vanished over the horizon I dropped to my knees and cried. God I miss my portaloo at the top of Leith Walk.
  25. 80 points
    At least nobody would be there to watch us turn you over for a fourth time this season.
  26. 80 points
    I know they're hurting but still find posts like that remarkable. They lost - not because Killie scored more goals than them and their overpaid wasters - but because of Catholics. Catholics that they "allowed to run the game". Just imagine living with that kind of mindset. Being so unable to deal with losing or that fact that you just can't beat your rivals when it counts that you blame your problems on a religious conspiracy. Not to mention the subtext that the c***s should get to "allow" who runs Scottish football as if it's their right to have their people in charge. A thoroughly horrible, horrible shower of b*****ds. This is why it will never not be fucking brilliant when they get beat and implode so spectacularly. Hahahaha.
  27. 80 points
  28. 79 points
    AGEING, UNEMPLOYED IMMIGRANT CAUSES HIGHWAY CARNAGE. Emergency services were scrambled to a road traffic accident near Sandringham today when a 97 year old Greek immigrant pulled out into oncoming traffic. The Greek father of four who has been living on state benefits since his arrival in the UK in 1947 and is housed in a Grade2 Jacobean style mansion in the area worth millions of pounds was unavailable for comment. Neighbours said "You often see the family in the area, none of them seem to work but they always have money". Another local resident reported often hearing firearms being discharged in the garden of 97 year olds home.
  29. 78 points
  30. 78 points
  31. 77 points
  32. 76 points
  33. 76 points
  34. 76 points
    4 days into Tory Britain and Killie are already turning on migrants ffs.
  35. 76 points
  36. 75 points
    Fucking delighted for the two rangers supporters' bus I saw leaving inverness this morning. The c***s will be almost there.
  37. 75 points
    Not unique to football but I've heard liquidation means something different in football to other businesses.
  38. 75 points
  39. 75 points
  40. 74 points
    This forum doesn't seem to be doing you any good. Time to go.
  41. 74 points
    [skidmarks bosses office. Knock on the door, enter Skidmarks, stage right ] "Morning boss, thanks for seeing me" "morning Mr Skidmarks, what can I do for you?" "Well it's about that email business from a few weeks back" "Haha, oh yes, what a rum tale" "Haha yes sir rum indeed. The thing is..." "Yes Bobby?" "I'd like to get the IT department to trace the email back to an IP address so we can work out who sent it" "Oh. That would involve a lot of work for our IT guys and isn't guaranteed to actually reveal who sent the email. It's very simple to create an anonymous email account and to hide an IP address. Also, we had a good laugh about this when we spoke about it before and agreed to forget about it. Why the sudden change?" "Well sir, it's 8Mile" "8Mile? Isn't he the one who tried to organise a dotting campaign? The one who has the intellect of a shaved colobus monkey? The one who gouged faeces from the recesses of his own rectum, threw it at his 'friend' and the boasted about it on the internet so that strangers would be his online friends? Him? That one, Skidmarks?" "Yes, sir, that one " "Well what does he want" "He thinks it would be a great idea to trace the email." "Oh well if if a slabbering grassing seething headcase thinks it's a great idea I'll get right on it Skidmarks!" "Would you sir ? That'd be great." "Skidmarks." "Yes sir?" "f**k off"
  42. 74 points
    Just a wee bit of fun here but I thought the good people of P&B might have some good suggestions here, if the Premiership was a party or house party, who would each club be? I've got a few ideas to kick things off: Aberdeen- The guy that used to be a massive stud, and keeps telling you about it, no matter how long you say times have changed, then they pull someone at the party and go on about how they've still got it. Fun enough guy though. Celtic- Always pulls, but always pulls the ugliest burds, no-one really seems to like them, but they are too rich to leave out of the guestlist Dundee United- Everyone keeps telling you how cool they are, and to some extent you agree, but you're not entirely sold on it. Hearts- You gave them a fiver at the start of the night, they bought a bottle of white lightening cider and seem to be absolutely wasted, as the night goes on you can tell they are on a bit of a downward spiral but they seem to be loving every minute of it. Constantly laughing at Hibs' blunders.. Hibs- They keep knocking things over and falling over. They have no luck chatting up the ladies. They're a mess, really. You're not sure whether to laugh, or to cry for them though... ICT- The couple. They used to be two well liked individuals but once the marriage took place, although they had a strong bond, they were a bit less popular. They are still liked at the party, but not as fun as they used to be. Kilmarnock- Often at the party complaining about their parents and how they keep making bad decisions on their behalf, have pulled a few times recently nonetheless. Motherwell- They start off the night by pulling some decent looking ladies, and as the night goes on you keep thinking it can't be better for them, yet they continually move on to better looking girls everytime much to everyone's amazement Partick Thistle- Came from a family with two thuggish big brothers that no-one likes. Have successfully managed to free themselves from this image and although neither a wild shagger nor a party animal, they are well liked at the party and pretty much everyone likes to see them there. Ross County- Were absolutely wrecked last night and on top form. Tonight started pretty brutal for them, they were not on good form at all before someone gave them a proplus, a red bull and a bottle of Jack Daniels Honey and they managed to get back on form right towards the end of the party and finished it strongly. St. Johnstone- The Virgin....well not anymore. Finally lost his V-Plates tonight and boy did they enjoy it, everyone else at the party can sense we might be hearing about this for a while. Harmless fun with him though and is another enjoyable presence at the party. St. Mirren- Always seems to be there, in the corner of the party on their phone. Pretty boring and nobody is really sure why they keep getting invited, but they seem to do something right. Another with decent luck with the opposite sex. Dundee- Keep popping in and out of the party but are not always invited and aren't there long enough to really make an impact on preceedings. You also gave them a fiver 10 years ago you're still waiting for back. Rangers- Used to be regular party-goers until one night, they took everyone's booze money, splashed out on a massive bottle of Vodka drank it all themselves and spewed all over themselves. They were promptly thrown out, some people wanted them to be invited the next night and thought the parties wouldn't be as good without them. However, they seem to have gotten much better. Have struggled in recent times to pull the easiest of 'burds'. Gretna- Showed up last week with 5 strippers before getting wrecked, passing out in the bathtub as the strippers demanded to be paid in full. Woke up the next day in a field with shit down their trousers and haven't been seen or heard from since...
  43. 73 points
    My old dad has beaten this fucking thing (he tested positive in the middle of the week but i didn't want to post it up here until he got better). The c**t's 80 so fair play. He was ill for about 2 weeks and i was getting really worried, mainly because he'd decided he would self-sacrifice because he didn't want to burden the nhs (which was not in any way overrun but he took a lot of convincing). He then choked pretty bad (a separate thing he's had for the last few years) and when it didn't clear he ended up in a&e at the ayr hospital. It cleared itself before he went to bed on the first night and the next day they wanted to test him for covid due to his other symptoms (which he seemed to be recovering from by that stage). He got home but was phoned and told he had tested positive. My mum is generally a bit healthier and not as old but she has been ill at the same time as him - with quite mild symptoms that only lasted 3-4 days. So both of the old b*****ds have dodged a bullet. I'm 39 and I've always been pretty pragmatic about the prospect of them dying. I've thought about it a reasonable amount, and tried to prepare myself (as much as you can). But I'm not afraid to admit my heart has had a few wee flutters recently. And it's so frustrating not being able to visit. I've gradually started to give him half a cuddle whenever i visit over the last few years (as we say goodbye). Next time I'm down I'm going for the full on man hug.
  44. 73 points
    That was just how I like my ***s: 'Well Done.
  45. 73 points
    The following article has got me positively seething. "RANGERS PROMOTION A BOOST FOR SCOTTISH FOOTBALL" http://www.bbc.com/sport/football/35979886 The entire article is a piece of shit but this is the bit that angered me the most: Doncaster denied that phrases such as "financial Armageddon", used by senior football administrators in 2012 when Rangers went into administration, had been proved wrong. "There's no question that the absence of Rangers from the top flight hurt attendances at some of the clubs," he said. "I think the warning at the time was fair. "It was only with the support of the commercial partners at the time that the game has been able to emerge in the health that it is now in." The man just can't accept he was wrong! I hope you see this Doncaster you fat mess. \ YEAH WE ALL REALLY STRUGGLED WITHOUT THE RANGERS YOU DELUDED C**T. GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
  46. 72 points
    Please use this responsibly, and not for the purposes of mocking Dundee United Football Club or William Robert Flood.
  47. 71 points
    A 29 year old black man.
  48. 70 points
  49. 70 points
  50. 70 points
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