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I’m just glad after 3 years, we finally found a replacement for Kane Hemmings

McGonagall, you say? Oh yes. -- Twas the night of August eleventh in twenty hundred and nineteen When occurred an event the likes of which no-one had ever seen The grand Hibernian football club went to Ibrox to play a game And no-one who ever saw it would ever ever be again the same For weeks before that very day, Scotland talked of little else whether Jambos or Dundee fans, sheep or pars or celts The country had been split along a great religious divide Between unbelieving secular heathens, and those with great sectarian pride And on that fateful Sunday, the spectators did convene There were 800 brave young Hibees, all dressed in emerald green And arrayed all against them, a fifty thousand strong orc horde Blue and white and pungent, for soap they could not afford The players from the Capital were numbered very few, For injuries aplenty they had managed to accrue Tom James and Lewis Stevenson, and captain David Gray Martin Boyle and Ryan Porteous could not appear that day While Her Majesty's twelve best players were fighting fit and true Ten of them bedecked in their finest Royal Blue The eleventh, called McGregor, was the goalie at the back And the twelfth man, from the SFA, had a whistle and wore black And as the match unfolded, the Hibs fans were horrified Flo scored a goal from the halfway line, but was quickly ruled offside At the end of the first half, the hibs fans were feeling ill The Rangers team were winning, by a score of two to nil And at half time Hibs manager, whose name was Heckingbottom Was using every trick that his previous managers taught him His football mind was working fast, going into overdrive He said "we're going to switch formations from 4-4-2 to 2-3-5" And so the game restarted, and the crowd cranked up the noise, They sang about the Derry's Walls, and then the Billy Boys But after thirty seconds, the bluenose bubble burst As Daryl Horgan rounded Tav and scored Hibernian's first And for forty-five short minutes, the attacks came thick and fast As the energized green front line left Rangers flabbergast A second goal from fifty yards was scored by Stevie Mallan And Flo scored from a shroo ball from the famous Scotty Allan And when the time came for the match to end and finalize the score The fourth official held a board that showed fifteen minutes more There was no chance the SFA would let a Hibs win go This was the year they planned to stop Celtic's ten in a row Then Morelos dribbled to the box with just one man to beat But Darren launched a tackle, using fists and head and feet He got a straight red card for that, and paid for his foul crime And a penalty kick was awarded, at the close of injury time And a limping Alf Morelos went up to take the kick The handful of Hibs supporters were all feeling very sick But Ofir Marciano was a keeper in his prime He knocked the ball out of the park and the ref blew for full time So remember August eleven in twenty hundred and nineteen And a football match, the likes of which most people have never seen The legend will live on, as long as Hibs fans are alive Of the day that Rangers lost 3-2 to the second famous five

I'd like to dedicate this post to Random (Boredumguy) and the Perth Saints. A message you Random. Firstly, welcome back to Dundee Football Club Kane Hemmings. More importantly though -absolutely laughable that St Johnstone even entered the race for Hemmings knowing that the Dees were in the hunt. I'd liken it to turning up to a big job interview with tracksuit bottoms on and the stench of last night's cider emanating from the parched mouth as the swaggering, suited and eloquent Dundee are at the same interview. There's only one winner people. You Perth maggots are in the prime of your history and you can't even sell yourself better than Dundee now. Youve got no future as Johnny Rotten once sang. You have absolutely no future along with no fans - if you want some I'll giveitya aswell. No wonder the fuds are so bitter. Maybe it'll send the St Johnstone Ultras into overdrive next time they March through the Wellgate. If people don't watch themselves they might get a happy meal to the pus from the Young team. Even worse a swift gust of air might hit them as the Ultras wave their flag. Tommy Wright, you fat b*****d. Get it right round you. Rumours are that Greggs in Perth has doubled turnover today as the tear stained lummox stuffed his ogre pus with everything in sight. That wasn't a Crocodile the Perth public seen today it was the furious vice-like clamp of Wrights jaw in anger as he tragically snapped his way through his comfort trough in dejection. Stevie May rejecting an offer; a 7 0 trouncing in Glasgows East End; Hemmings choosing Dundee over the diddies. Auld Tommy will be getting a part in Christmas pantomimes as Rudolph if his beak gets anymore red as he reaches boiling point. 'He's over there, he's over there' as Tommy frantically sees his signing targets go any location but Perth. No doubt that it won't be long before RandomGuy pipes up with Hemmings wage demands, grocery lists and his hamsters sleeping routine. A word of warning RandomGuy - nobody in the wide world wants to see your mundane made up shite. Just put on an another episode of Downtown Abbey and give your clorty wee fingers a break from your crusty keyboard. Bring on the b*****din' derby. I really hope that if United get the Shed they've done a risk assessment on the high potential of Hooleys tears condemning another stand to closure. Flooding is a major issue and not to be ignored by the Tayside police. It will however allow the Gargoyles of Tannadice a nice slippery cannonball like exit from the shed into the pits of 4J's. That's all for now. Thank you.

He came to send them doon. He's come back to keep them doon.

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Whit?! They're imposing Colt teams on the rest of the league in this cup, totally devaluing the competition in the process - that is why interest is limited, thank goodness. And this is only the thin end of the wedge, if we go along to these matches involving Colt teams they'll think that there is no resistance to Colt teams and they'll then have them playing in the lower leagues ( where we are now), totally devaluing them. No supporter should be attending any match where they are playing a Colt team in any competition.

Cody Cooke saying that the knee injury isn't as bad as first thought and no operation is needed so he'll be back in several weeks rather than 6-9 months. Delighted for the lad, brilliant news for him and us.

I’ve actually run out of Likes for posts. Just everyone here assume I love you all today #happyhemmingsday

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god...

3 months without the football on, but everything’s the same – the Rangers fans are subhuman and always Scotland’s shame. The Hearts have only played one match but Hibs are still in front, there’s no Killie in Europe and you’re still a boring c*nt.

Maybe if you have a jobby Martin, your ma can wipe your arse for you Martin.

- Pet Jeden every time he wakes up on Saturday morning knowing a trip to watch Craig Levein's Hearts awaits.

McCann persuaded Moussa to join a Premier League team and Jazza manages to negotiate a deal to get Hemmings to the Championship. The lad's an absolute genius and should try his hand at negotiating Brexit if he's this good.

Craig Curran set to sign for you.

My reaction to each player: Stevie May: Lawrence Shankland: Kane Hemmings:

Take your lower league foreign football elsewhere please.

Left Back deal is done, and he's neither French or Italian Expect announcement today at some point.

Honour what? The deal that was off the table? May rashly thought he could squeeze Saints dry first time around, despite agreeing a deal. There was the failure of honour and integrity if you're looking for it. A couple of weeks later it's clear that no other clubs are seriously interested in May. His market value is a lot lower than he thinks it is and maybe Brown belatedly recognises this. That's not a failure of integrity or honour. That's business. I've no problem with dropping the offer to May. Where is see the failure to is the way we've spent five months failing to address a clear weakness in the team and over the summer we've become mesmerised by a player who hasn't had a good game for five years. Why haven't we cast out net wider? Why are clubs like Dundee ahead of us for Hemmings?

'So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong, and strike at what is weak' - Sun Tzu, The Art of War. Look son, you've challenged a Hibee over the art of the rhythmic written word. These men are warrior poets. Its like turning up at a gunfight at the OK Corral with a Mattessons smoked sausage in your holster. They've made a complete Noel Hunt out of you and by extension Heart of Midlothian FC and the Mccrae's Battalion. You need to try to fight them on our own ground. They ken fuckall about the best golf courses of the Algarve. Most of them couldn't knock together a half decent ratatoullie to save their lives and if you quiz them about the differences between tax return forms 1040A and 1040EZ these bog brained Murphys will glaze over in an instant. You're relatively new here but if it happens again then you'll need to be cut adrift from the tap hertz bois.

^^ Absolutely shitting it.

Anyway, in other news. Levenmouth Rail Link has been given the green light, congratulations to all involved as I know there were a number of Fife fans involved in it.

It's only an omnishambles to the knickerwetting brigade on WAT who are demanding Beattie release a statement every time some hissy fitting "insider" peddles their divisive horseshit to the press. It's almost like some folk cant let it sink in that theres such a thing as confidentiality and what's the words... oh yes, Company Law, that might prevent the Club and its suitors telling some keyboard warriors every minute detail of what's going on. Ironically those "insiders" and "reliable sources" know exactly that. Hence why they keep spreading misinformation... because they know a lot of it cant be confirmed or denied. And the conspiracy theorists are lapping it up. Hook line & sinker. It's very amusing to watch

On a positive note James Findlay on the facebook page has just challenged Kevin Fitzpatrick to a square go at McDiarmid on Saturday. Glorious.

Demented Zebra is already burning his "Mullen" shirt in the back garden.

Just got thrown out the deer centre for ejaculating over the otter enclosure upon reading this news. Now I’m heading back toward Dundee with an erection ready for rounds 2 and 3.

Uruguay has issued a travel warning regarding visiting the US.

More goals than May. More Premier goals than Shankland. The boy is clearly Derry'd oot his nut. Welcome home brother.

A poll shows 48% yes 52% no. 'See, this proves that the Scottish people don't want Independence or another referendum' Poll shows 52% yes 48% no. 'This poll means nothing. Nothing has changed. We said no and we meant it'

Just finished watching the whole video and couldn't agree more - an excellent discussion. The openness about their insecurities (of working class roots and having a regional non-bbc radio 4 accent, impostor syndrome etc.) and the historic and contemporary barriers there are for women/girls (but not just) to believe in themselves, achieve and break into areas that are 'not for people like you' was great to hear. A truly inspiring talk and one that if I had a children I would be delighted to show them. Brilliant Raith Rovers hosted the event and is now developing women and girls football.

Delighted that our new accessible toilet block will be open for 'business' on Saturday!A lot of time and effort has went into fundraising and planning to allow this to happen and we would just like to say a huge thank you to everyone involved from the DSA, the club, the fans who have donated £££ and in particular would like to say a massive thank you to Davie from Frasers Plumbing and Heating for seeing this project through from an empty portacabin to what it is today. He has given up so much of his time to help us out and project manage this, while encouraging local businesses to help out too. Thats what being a true Community Club is all about

"Tell the fan base he's concussed."

Sorry guyss, had an emergency on Sunday and had to fly out to Spain to help ma mum. Only had half an hour this morning but here are results for WEEK 1. Welshabirn takes a massive lead so early on, quite a few good picks. Week 2 is 10/08 same as before entrants must be in by 12 noon saturday, ill get the reults out quicker this week Gazman ill need to look through your picks as i have Abereedn written down but it may be different, is it was it will class as void

I am yet to find something as satisfying as doing an absolute nightmare of a shite at work and other colleagues walking into the toilets and audibly being scunnered by the smell.

A 3-year deal makes sense. Keeps him here long enough for our assault on the Champions League.

Twitter was brilliant last night. The seethe was lovely. Celtic fans not accepting there are bigger clubs than them is a wonderful sight. The irony of it happening to them when they've done it to clubs like Aberdeen, ICT, Motherwell, Hibs for years can't be lost.

Some nice words in your post pal even though I don’t understand half of them, that’s non segregated schooling for you but that’s another debate for another day. As for BoB Williamson, he had a habit of running his mouth off on here after a couple of bottles of Morgan’s. His fate was sealed by his own stupidity but pet jeden has nothing to worry about now as like you say i just think he’s a new age Hearts fan and there’s no malice about the lad unlike Bob. My days of crashing strangers of the internet are like gone as I’m way to long in the tooth for that carry on now. That’s not to say I don’t long for the days of chasing each other up and down London road in the late 80s/early 90s or going at it hammer and tongs outside of Diane’s pool hall or Luckies, not a quarter given or asked on either side and I know deep down you feel the same but alas it’s only memories that remain. Fucking come on Hibs.

I've just done the experiment, and it seems it is possible to give out an ironic, patronising greenie. Hope this helps.

No mention of the performances of Elhamed or Biton I see. More disgusting anti semitism.

The return of the binocular celebration at Tannadice

May I remind you that Boris is PM and Trump is president?

The thing is Brown has backed Wright, last season he brought additional players in that we didn’t necessarily need nor did they actually bring anything to the table. Ok he’s not done it this season, but the total assassination of Steve Brown isn’t entirely fair as far as I’m concerned. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter, quote me if you like I won’t be replying. I get we’re all frustrated and right now the lack of positivity is a massive issue, but hey maybe I’m a more positive person than I originally thought!

I’ve not really followed Hemmings career since he left, so I had a wee look to see opinion of Notts County fans. Most seem to think it suits both parties as he’s a high earner and they’re too pish to keep him now. I like this reply too... “has flashes of brilliance, and months of mediocrity. will suit scotch fitba perfectly, mediocrity is the new star quality there.” I’m picturing the boy mashing that reply whilst sipping on Boddingtons down the fackin Red Lion, mate.

[emoji3] Actually, it was my brother’s wife who got the story. She was getting her hair done sitting next to John Couglin’s missus. Coughlin’s missus got a call from Coughlin while at the hairdressers to say that Hendrie had just been sacked and that he was next in. Coughlin’s missus tells my brother’s wife, she immediately texts my brother and he immediately posts it in b&w army. All within 5 minutes! The best one was selling Love Street. My brother, div and me completely made up that story at a game away to St Johnstone and decided to post it. Turned out to be true! My brother ended up getting a call from Gilmour to find out who the leak was! [emoji1] And my my wife at the time wasn’t a hairdresser but I’m getting married again soon.... to a hairdresser. Hopefully get some more exclusives!

Now on Sky Sports news. Hemmings expected to sign a 3 year deal today..

I went along. When I saw the team sheet there were a couple of players who I'd heard about but hadn't seen anything of (Kettings, Starrs, Brown) and plenty of the new intake (McDonald, Cook, Robinson, Williamson) so it piqued my interest. It was a bit of a weird game to watch as other than a couple of flurries here and there and the final 10 mins when Spartans seemed to realise they were about to get bodied out the cup by a bunch of school weans the Young Team were completely comfortable. Having said that, while they were (surprisingly) largely in control of the game they definitely looked like what they are; an inexperienced side at the start of a cycle. Which is why I say it was weird to watch. Where the team that went on the run in this tournament last season had 2 or 3 seasons playing together, that was this group's first competitive game together and it showed in all the ways you'd expect. It was a pretty efficient performance, if not the most fluid. They went 1-0 up and saw the game out without too much fuss. Tbh, you can't really fault any of the #YoungMotherwell side. The back 4 were solid, the full backs did well and the centre backs did everything that was asked of them defensively and physically. Hussain's got a very awkward looking gait but both him and Devine were effective enough and neither resorted to just launching it. I'd imagine the Devine, Hussain, Morrison triangle would be very evident on any pass map from last night. Save a re-taken free kick in the last minute that hit the bar any chances Spartans had stemmed from Motherwell mistakes "on the ball" eg: Morrison thinking he had more time with a pass back and almost getting caught with the ball at his feet or Devine trying passes into midfield that were never on and getting caught on the counter but having said that you could count the number of times Morrison was actually troubled on one hand. The midfield did well and won a fair amount of 2nd phase and recycled the ball pretty well. When they won possession they kept it. In that respect I suppose the thing that stood out for me was the composure in the middle of the park. All 3 were wiling to take the ball to feet and make passes. Both Kettings and Semple seemed to have a bit of dig about them as well. The main issue was midfield to front which is to be expected given it's pretty much a new side and they've barely played together (MacIver's only recently signed, Cook's one of the new intake promoted from the Academy and Starrs hasn't had much football given his injury and also the players he's had in front of him in his position). The front 3 didn't have much to work with but they grafted and pressed well. Semple had a tough night. He was caught in possession a lot and was trying to force things a bit too much. Having said that he kept showing for the ball and did all the "free" stuff, along with Kettings he was the one who made the midfield competitive. It's interesting to see him taking that Deep Lying Playmaker role. He was all over the park to the point where he was even popping up at full back in a Wayne Rooney stylee. For all I'm saying he had a tough night, he still scored the goal (in a game where genuine chances were at a premium) and there were moments in the game where he picked the ball up in midfield and drove forward in a way that caught the eye in the same way that yer Cadden did physically and Turnbull did technically at that level. He's maybe not working in DT's bullet-time world but Semple's definitely got a certain poise and technical ability on the ball. I mentioned him a few posts above but Matthew McDonald at left back stood out largely because he looks like a ball boy gone rogue (I just checked his profile on the OS and it's listing him as 167cm so...5ft 4"). He had an absolutely smashing game, chucking himself into tackles, winning headers FFS! willing to receive the ball and get forward. The fact that he was barely chest height to his opponent just made the whole thing better. All in all they were well worth their win. Lovely stuff from the Young Team. And here's the Semple goal.

Yoon arithmetic is incomprehensible. You obviously didn't read my post properly. I was talking about the concept of the statistical tie, as someone mentioned it further up the thread. That's why I referred to apples vs oranges instead of yes vs no. As I explained, 52:48 can be considered to be a statistical tie, as it is 95% certain (see "confidence intervals" below) that the true result will have apples on some figure between 49%-55%. If that figure is 50% +1 (which will happen approximately 8 times in 10, assuming that no other factors come into play), apples win. If your statement is correct, and 52:48 is too close to call, can I ask a simple question? Will you give me even money on a bet with these odds? Oh, and if Apples consistently poll 60% with a 95% confidence interval and a margin of error of 3%, the chances of oranges winning are roughly f*ck all. That's a bit more than a "string likelihood" Here are the obvious errors in his post 1) "Scotland" didn't vote. The Scottish electorate voted. The Scottish electorate has changed since 2014. 2) Polls don't ask "1000 Scots". They establish a sample which is then weighted to reflect the various groupings within the electorate. This will include non-Scots who are entitled to vote (rightly so!) and will also be weighted by sex, age etc. Polling is slightly more sophisticated than "I asked 4 friends at a funeral, and they all voted no" as one Yoon memorably posted here many moons ago 3) The troll suggests "Every other poll since has has a sample group where about 1,000 Scots are asked their opinion" On many occasions, the poll figures are given as a subsample of a larger poll. This introdces a far larger margin of error (The 95% confidence interval margin of error with a sample group of 100 is +/- 10%) 4) "Answers are weighted" No. The sample population is weighted to reflect the electorate population spread. How on earth do you weight "apple" to equal "orange"? 5) "The error margin is always +/- 3%". Aye, if you're working to 95% confidence intervals. That goes without saying., as one depends upon the other. If you use the same figures (1000 sample size, >1000000 population, the 99% confidence level MOE is 4%, and the 85% confidence level MOE is 2%. Presenting statistical facts as insights shows that someone doesn't understand statistics. 6) "Very little has changed" Apart from the electorate, the views of EU nationals and the voters who have wswitched from one side to the other (both ways) , everything is exactly the same. Dream on. The only point that you and the troll have correct that it's just one poll. Hopefully the first of many IMO.

A word to the wise. What the Irish diaspora in this country lack in common sense and industriousness they make up for in sheer pugnaciousness. They can hold a grudge for a long time too. Just ask @BobWilliamson he's only just back on the solid food after Dom gave him a hiding at the tale end of last year I heard. He had to get his jaw rewired. I'd just apologise to Dom now I'm sure he'll let bygones be bygones. I've made no secret of my Staunch Presbyterianism so giving me the Kumbaya patter is a big bigoted is it not? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt as you are likely new to supporting Hearts by the sounds of things.