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Ah yes, B&Q, that renowned hotbed of romance. Some say Wickes is good for a fling, Homebase for a rebound, but everyone knows B&Q is where you take a girl you see a future with.

Posted some of these before: (All from the same guy at work. Genuinely 100% true, swear on my sons life, right hand up to god etc these words came out of his mouth) His dad found £10,000 down the back of the sofa. Out on his boat in the Firth of Forth, the captain of a Submarine asked him over the Tannoy to move away - As he was approaching HMS property. He slid down the Pyramids. On the same holiday to Egypt he was almost refused entry to the UK - As border control didn't believe such a sallow skinned person could have possibly have come from his mum and dad. Apparently the tan he received on that holiday still exists to this day too. Gave his wife umpteen orgasms as she was sleeping. As he was pumping his girlfriend (doggy style), her flatmat came into the room looking for her glasses. Saw what was going on and looked over his shoulder and commented favourably on his massive manhood. After I asked him what he was doing at the weekend, his answer was "Fitting a £12,000 sound system in his mates Subaru Impreza." Managed to get from Strathaven to Manchester for the UEFA cup final in an hour and a half. He travelled north, from Strathaven again, going 90 mph for three hours solid. Saved East Kilbride shopping centre from a terrorist attack by chucking a Muslimy looking guy with a rucksack out of the fire escape. An unarmed duo comprising of himself and his brother saved a bookies in Paisley from an armed robber. He fought the same brother in the UK Karate championships. Although his mum and dad had to leave as it was such a bloodbath. His mate owns and runs the website Heaven666. There are probably a few I've forgotten.

Who invited you Buzz Killington

36 days until the new season starts - the rotation period of the sun at the poles (it's only 27 days at the equator)

England have a 58% win rate in the world cup when their games are shown on BBC. They have a 19% win rate on ITV. I hope you'll all join me on Tuesday for Colombia v England live on ITV

By the way, what I'm here, I'd like to apologise for yesterday. Wasn't a great day personally, but that's no excuse. Peace.

Season ticket bought. Partially because I want to rock up to any and all games I can get to hassle free, but mostly because as I read more from Hartley and see more if the backing he is getting from the club, I am keen to back him too and fire my dough in up front. Now Falkirk, you owe me a Jak.

Please thank Mrs SP for expanding my lexicon today. I'd been backpacking around the world for almost 2 years and almost out of money, was heading east through the US on the last leg. I lost my credit card while in Phoenix, Arizona and in those pre-Internet days had a hell of a job trying to get my bank to send out a new one. They wouldn't send it to my parents, I had no permanent address and whatnot. I was having money wired out, then going off for 2 weeks to see as much as I could before returning to Phoenix to find...still no credit card. I'd call them again (long distance from a payphone), find out what the excuse was this time and repeat the cycle. As a result, my dwindling funds were being used just going back and forth to Phoenix and I wasn't seeing the country the way I'd hoped. After a while, I took a job at the Backpacker's Hostel, working for free in exchange for my lodgings. One afternoon, a bunch of us went to a coffee shop and got talking to two cuties who were intrigued by the range of accents. One of them started coming over to the hostel to visit and then, showing me around Phoenix on my days off. Finally my credit card came through but I got a bit of a shock when the woman who ran the hostel immediately said. "That's great but now it's time for you to leave." Oh. This was late November and the places I still really wanted to see, New York, Boston and Chicago aren't easy to visit on a budget in winter. I was more than a bit bummed because it essentially meant my trip was over and had I known that, I could've gone home a couple of months earlier and saved some money. However, my new friend said "Well, I'm going on holiday next week and had planned to hire a dog-sitter. Why don't you stay at my place and look after my dogs for me. By the time I get back, you might have a better idea what you'd like to do." On new year's eve, after knowing each other for about 6 weeks, we got engaged. If I can manage another fortnight, we'll have been married 25 years next month.

Bragging about being battered by a former footballer as your comeback to needing the loan system explained to you is possibly the weirdest turn of events I've ever seen on this thread.

Now that all AGM’s are out of the way, has the Junior game dealt effectively with the elephant in the room? The answer in no. At the SJFA EGM, there was a vote simply to underline the desire to move into the Pyramid as a block of clubs, and as most observers know that this is exceptionally unlikely to happen. Why TJ thinks this is the best way to approach PWG discussions who knows. The East AGM dealt with re-organisation of the clubs that are left, probably in the knowledge that more will leave at the end of next season. The West AGM also dealt with their re-organisation, but with no chat on the Pyramid or the likelihood of a WoSFL being set-up over the next 12 months, not that this discussion was ever likely. The Regions seem happy to let TJ negotiate based on the vote at the EGM. As far as I can make out there is no plan B. If the PWG reject the proposal to enter as a block – and it’s already been, given the issues in the East – then what happens next? A WoSFL will be set-up and interested clubs move over in time for season 2019/20, remaining interested clubs in the East below the HL/LL line move to the EoS, and the SJFA carry on as before with a much reduced membership, including the “Tayside rump” and the North Region (unless the North replicate the West and set-up a NoSFL). It won’t be pretty, it will fracture the game in the West, but I just can’t see any smooth transfer into the Pyramid and over the next few seasons we’ll eventually see a strong WoS and EoS with some clubs having progressed into the LL. What’s left of the Juniors will plough on in small regional leagues.

I might buy 2 in case I get a divorce and meet a new girl who wants to come to games.

How anyone can pick a side is beyond me. Harrison could be an absolute star in this league with Dallison more of a project to gain experience and slowly work his way into the team. Remember when both Vaulks and Leahy came to the club in similar circumstances they took literally 6 months to get up to speed. If that was down to poor management or their experience, who knows. We are banking on these young lads to all hit the ground running which I can't see happening. Dennon Lewis has played 37 first team matches over national league / league 2 and scored 4 goals; yet people are thinking he's going to be some sort of number 9 messiah. I'm not writing the player off, I'm sure he will be a star but may need time to develop. Not trying to kill these vibes but I just feel some people are getting overly carried away. Our target for next season should be 4th; which imo will still be a tall ask with such a turnover. We have most of these players on 2 year deals which is maybe a more realistic timeframe to see us promoted.

In the Premiership I have 10 Ayrsh………… No wait that's wrong, I have 16 West Region teams in the Premiership.

A guy I knew earned the middle name "Whopper" due to his propensity for telling fantastical tales. I'll have to tell you a pretty outlandish true story in order to lead in to my favourite "Whopper" of all time. He was walking down a street in Paisley and saw a privet hedge. He proclaimed he could clear it and decided to prove it. He didn't know there was a 9 ft drop on the other side straight down to a cement patio. He suffered several injuries including a broken arm and leg amongst others. After he had been in hospital for a week or so he discharged himself against the advice of Doctors and was hit by a taxi before he made it out of the hospital grounds. This resulted in more broken bones and the front page headline 'The luckiest man in Scotland" in the evening times (I think) complete with a picture of him in his recently reclaimed hospital bed. A couple of mates went to visit him to discuss his newly acquired fame and this is where his "Whopper" comes in. After they had been chatting to him a while a pretty nurse comes in to do the rounds and leaves after exchanging some pleasantries. So there is Andy, lying in bed with all 4 limbs in traction and he goes "see that nurse, I shagged her last night".

If clubs want blank saturdays they should jog onto the SAFA. This is a semi pro grade FFS. Not referring to the Irvine derby, more so trips to Ayr races and stag dos etc...

Conference C league teams are ready for next home game board at Blackburn United. Buzzing for fixture list now

Maybe shut the cubicle door so they can't see you then

Scott Leitch battered Wellview. That's what I am getting here...

Is this the worst sentence in this thread? I say yes

Great exclusive, cheers.

No politics involved. What WWR said is basically it. If the position had not been split I would have been happy to stand for the General Secretary post. However as the clubs had voted for the change, I thought it would be against all that I had campaigned about over the past 2 seasons. If I had lost out on the vote for Fixtures Secretary, I would not have been comfortable in the position of General Secretary knowing that I would have no direct impact in what I considered was the biggest issue facing the clubs. I also didn't want to cloud the issue of the Fixture Secretary vote in case some delegates held off from voting for me in the hope that I would get the other post. I do believe that if I'm to be of service to the Region it is in the role I have. I'd also like to add that I had informed Robert Burns of my decision whilst we were outside during the vote about the split. He agreed with the principle and said he was of the same mind. Just to finally add, I am not on the management committee to 'rock the boat', I will do things differently but I'm there to help the committee promote the Region. Scott Robertson is the General Secretary and he will receive my full support, I recommend we all do likewise.

It's all good. I like the patter here. If I was Sheps mam I would have guided him towards a profession he was more suited to.

Currently demonstrating outside the Main Stand at Brockville. The lad on the fish counter looks bemused.

I met my wife at a disco in 1974. I had not been to a disco before that and haven’t been to one since. I met your wife at a swingers club 18 months ago.

Right then, your results for QWC2018 are as follows; Peru (pleslie99) 9 v 6 Argentina (eednud) Forget the Peru 2, this was the Peru 9! Argentina with a respectable 6 but never stood a chance. I'm sure Diego has still enjoyed his World Cup all the same but time for him to go home and calm down. Saudi Arabia (cowden0) 8 v 3 Portugal (blackislekillie) SAUDI AR8BIA, amirite?! Cowden0 has led his charges on masterfully, he claims it was thanks to eeny meenie miny mo but I'm not even sure what position mr mo plays! Serbia (the Kincardine) 3 v 5 Germany (the cardinal) A very tight affair but as always (well, no this year) ze germans sneak through! Kincardine may be the best at reading but answering not so much. Ellan Vannin (afj) 9 v 4 Senegal (helpma) He's carried the continent but for helpma the dream is over, as he said. Ellan Vannin sail on! Spain (msu) 6 v 8 Uruguay (peasy23) Peasy is thanking the history channel for his strong score in this round and it was enough to see off the spirited Spaniards. France (ziggy) 5 v 8 Iceland (dublinmaygar) 'Isn't there a France and whoever is beating France tie?' was the question posed and yes, yes there is and this is it. More thunderclaps await! Mexico (tynieness) 6 v 7 Brazil (bullyweevilla) The closest tie of the round and presumably brazilweevilla will mysteriously banned forthwith for having the audacity to dump tynie out...we wave goodbye to Mexico. Poland (salvo) 10 v 8 England (scotfree) England (and note his name is Scot-free!) have been seen off and we all breathe a sigh of relief. #weareallsalvo. Must note salvo has slotted home a full marker here and is surely hotly tipped to lead Poland all the way! Thankfully no playoff's required, thank you all! Starting to get to the business end and here's the big games; Peru (pleslie99) v Saudi Arabia (cowden0) Germany (cardinal) v Ellan Vannin (afj) Uruguay (peasy23) v Iceland (dublinmaygar) Brazil (bullyweevilla) v Poland (salvo) Here's the big questions; https://www.theguardian.com/football/2018/jun/26/world-cup-quiz-what-happened-next What happens next? Well, all answers to be submitted by some point on, let's say, Tuesday next week and we'll find out! Thank you for joining me today with results, quarter final draw and questions for this years QWC2018.

Usually when a thread like this comes along I’ll say something along the lines of how far we’ve come but people will never feel truly equal until they can feel safe walking down the street holding their partners hand etc, but I’ve said all that before. So it’s time I shared my worst coming out experience. The worst thing about coming out for me is that my Gran now buys me calendars like this on an annual basis and now I can’t look forward to Christmas anymore. I guess it’s nice she’s so supportive, in a way. Though she would probably channel some of her love for the gays in to not hating ethnic minorities...

Jus looking at these posts, and would like to add a commet. I have followed ammy football for 40 years, I played pub football for Shortlees and was the worst player in the team, that is common knowledge, how I won top goal scorer, and I did 3 years running, I will never fkn know, but I will say, no one tried harder than me in our pub team, no one, because I had too, as I was shite, and didn't kick a ball for a team till I was 26. I once hit a penalty in to a head wind and it went out for a shy, the ref didn't know what to give, true story. I started running pub teams when I was in my early 30s , firstly running Mcginn's Metals, a 2nd div pub team, we won everything you could win 2nd division and the league cup, which included both first 1st/2nd division teams, so I was fairly chuffed and would have quite happily have stopped there. Jasper stopped running Shortlees pub team the next season , so I went there, and for some unknown reason, I ended up running another 4 pub teams. I won everything with them all, except the Scottish cup, we were beat in a semi and 3 quarters. I had managed and started 5 pub teams over 20 years including one the year before this Shortlees team, so I had done my apprenticeship. As I told my players when I went amateur, and I told them every season, anyone can manage a football team, all you need is commitment and a team of players who will train hard, listen, and run through a brick wall for you. If I was giving 100% I wanted it back, so if the players don't play for you, you will win nothing. You need 90% will and 10% skill, as WILL will always beat skill, if skill refuses to work. You learn more in losing as a manager than you ever will in winning every week, I have been there. Was I a good manager? I never cared , what people thought or said, either to my face or behind my back? I cared about what my players thought, and their opinion, so i will let the players who I worked with over the years both in pub and ammy, answer that question. They are the ones who I shared the journey with, from the bottom of the ammy game, to the top. And I used the word WORK intenionally as it was hard work, I had a great committee, who I couldn't have done it without, who gave me everything I asked, and believe me, it was blood sweat and tears all the way. For every manager in the ammy game, every single one, we all know the sacrifices we put in, through thick and thin, rain, hail, and snow, and unless you have been one, it is best you don't speak about management, you aren't qualified to speak about it. So by all means comment about football, as this is what this site is all about, but let the managers who work their balls off every week, do the managing, most times they will all know who, and what is good for their team and what is not. I await the onslaught, tick tock,

Of course you did, crocodile fucker.

Yes. This was asked as a question from the floor of the meeting. Kenny replied saying that all reasonable requests for fixtures would be considered and supported and clubs easing fixture congestion by utilising lights would be encouraged.

Surely a better idea would be to send him on loan to someone like Bournemouth then we can sell him to them next summer for £10m?

Nae offence here, but that is clearly absolute nonsense.

I'm not sure 'hiding' for half your shift and nobody giving a shit/noticing your absence is necessarily something to be delighted about, to be honest.

I like the last one he looks cheeky lol xox

People who want England to win are absolute mile-oots. It's a football rivalry. It's not sinister.

Did the Terminator show up to escort him out the door?

i don't care when it is, as long as they do fail. Sooner the better though Then I can relax and just enjoy the tournament

Crashing down to Earth with a 4. Now I have all the scores for the World Cup, an update will follow later today, either around lunch time or when I’m home from work. Full results, upcoming fixtures and link to be expected. The excitement builds!

I would agree with that. You very rarely hear of anybody complaining about the other duties that Scott Robertson carried out, it really was only the fixtures which were an enormous issue. Thankfully that has now been dealt with, and we can hopefully now all move on positively with what the clubs voted for last year.

He sounds like one of the old default Master League players in Pro Evo .

First half of the season's fixtures now posted through to the Assistant Secretary, John Fyfe, who has kindly volunteered to get them up on the SJFA website as soon as possible. As I'm just finding my way around the admin site at the moment we thought it best if he carried out this duty until I was comfortable doing it in the future. Given my earlier mistake, I think that was wise. One bit of information I can pass on to you is the date for the West Of Scotland Cup First Round. It is scheduled to be played on the 10th of November.

I think he looks more like an angry Rolf Harris these days tbf.

Unemployed Professional liar Drugs courier Polis Tortoise sexer.

Sky Sports reporting he's set to be announced tonight. Looking forward to our front two now

There are more Ayrshire teams than Glasgow teams so will be more teams in Ayrshire at home some weeks then Glasgow. Ffs. Championship will have Glasgow games if a neutral is desperate for a Glasgow games that's not Pollok.....[emoji849][emoji23] Teams are all mostly home > away > home > away in league with few exceptions due to circumstances outwith Kennies control like annual Marymass Irvine derby, cup draws and once Junior cup drawn ties added in too. All teams can now get arranging hospitality, promote games, know when derbies are right up until end of November and not even July yet. Well done Kennie. Great start in my opinion. Also weather generally only starts calling games off at end of November to January so fixture list will stay largely intact that's been released at the moment.

Went on the brewery tour with my boyfriend. We were the only two booked in so essentially paid £7 each for a private tour and then a pint of Tennents or Caledonian Best, and two half pints of their export lagers at the end. Well worth the money!

Just ignore the haters lads. Don’t let them spoil the best thread on this site[emoji109]

I was summoned to a disciplinary meeting for playing Football Manager on a laptop during a nightshift. However, I did not wish to attend the meeting so sent my assistant instead.

FTFY

It's the ghost of Rangers past.