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  1. 78 points
  2. 67 points
  3. 61 points
  4. 59 points
  5. 56 points
    Not unique to football but I've heard liquidation means something different in football to other businesses.
  6. 56 points
    You clearly understand rural life, you goat shagging nonce.
  7. 51 points
  8. 51 points
    Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text. Turns out it was a basement (no phone signal) place behind a nondescript looking door roon the back of a theatre. Like there's no way I would ever have found and, if I did, I woulda presumed it was some BDSM dungeon bar or something. Obviously hopeful it was the latter I went down just to find a rather pleasant members club where she signed me in. Was pretty cheap, especially for central London, and we took a wee booth in the corner. So I got her a wine and myself a pint and, by the time I had finished my pint, she was halfway through her third wine and I'm not a slow drinker. When I finished my pint she said she'd have a G&T. Like... immediately after I finished it and put it on the table. Didn't ask if I wanted another drink or if I was going to the bar. Just presumed. But, f**k it, I'm here now so may as well. Got her her drink and my pint and went for a slash and came back and she'd downed her drink and got herself a carafe of wine while I was gone. By the time I finished my second I made excuses about being on early shift and would have to leave and she asked me to walk her to the tube station. She was hammered as soon as the air hit her (or was already hammered and I hadn't noticed) When we got there, she said she had "lost" her Oyster card and she had to get the tube to one of the train stations to get back to Bedfordshire as she lived with her mum "who was an alcoholic and she shouldn't leave her alone" so I ended up paying for her travel back to the train station. She tried to give me a full on winch as she went toward the escalator but I turnt my face so she would peck my cheek but she just sorta... sucked on my cheek. Anyway I got her tae f**k and thought that was the end of that. About two months later I get a phone call at about half eleven and it's her, crying, because she was on a date and the guy left her (nae wonder) and she was stuck in London and could she crash at mine and she'd be really quiet and she just needed a bed and could I pay for her taxi because she didn't have any money. She was down in fucking Old Street tho' and I was in Walthamstow and I wisnae paying that for a cab so told her what bus to get and met her at the bus station an hour later. She comes off the bus, happy as larry, with two bottles of wine and mascara stains down her cheeks. We get back to mine and I show her the couch and go to my room but she comes through ten minutes later and wont shut the f**k up. Constantly nattering about her great her brother is and how mum's an alcoholic and how they used to sing Carpenters songs on car journeys to Wales as a kid and, eventually, starts fucking singing Carpenters songs. I eventually just pretended to be asleep and she crawled into bed beside me and tried firing in a bit but I just wanted her to f**k off. Wake up in the morning and go for a shower and, been in there two minutes, she starts banging on the door saying she needs in. So I reach over and open the door and she goes straight for the toilet and lets out a huge wet fart that smells like sulphur and she keeps saying sorry "She had an accident." Shite all over her drawers on the floor and on the handle of the toilet door (later found out there was more on my room door handle and in my bed). She picks up her shitty knickers and throws them in the shower at my feet asking me to give them a rinse because she's not got any other ones with her. I start cleaning her shite aff my door handles, throw my sheets in the wash and tell her to get ready and tell her I'm taking her to the tube station. Put her shitty knickers in a polly bag and take her there. She tried to give me another fucking winch and asks if I fancy meeting up again. For the next year or so I'd occasionally get calls from her at all hours but never answered any of them.
  9. 50 points
    Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off.
  10. 49 points
  11. 43 points
    Lest We Forget: A K Ray, Ross Hall Hospital, Glasgow £150 ADI UK, Preston £7620 ASL, East Sussex £2514 Acies Group, Edinburgh £2340 Adrian Coll, Balloch £1600 Alan Duncan, Glasgow £1400 Alexander West Property, Glasgow £2807 Alison Walker TV, Bearsden £600 Alliance Video, Surrey £204 Aon Limited, London £14,151 Arena Imaging, Derby £336 Argyll and Bute Council £406.80 Astra Hygiene Supplies, Dumbarton £61.27 Audi Stirling £396.05 Azure Support Services, Macclesfield £523,949.71 Azzurri Scotland, Burnley £34.63 BTWShiells, Belfast £2917.39 Barr Environmental Limited, Cummnock £264 Base Soccer Agency, London £52,560 Bauer Radio Ltd (Radio Clyde) £702 Beyard Services, Beith £5559.60 Bhutta’s Newsagents, Glasgow £567.45 Big Think Agency, Glasgow £14,265.60 Blooms UK Limited, Glasgow £70 Brabners, Manchester £12,999 Brentwood Estates, Manchester £42,963.06 Brian Proudfoot, Glasgow £2,802 British Gas £1,562.42 BT £1,292.13 Business Cost Consultants, Glasgow £6,240.60 Business Stream, Edinburgh £9,727.22 CNP Professional, Cheshire £719.96 CRE8, Gloucester £68,406.70 Cairn Financial, London £4,127.60 Cairns & Scott Caterhire, Glasgow £762 Cameron Presentations, Glasgow £8,795.99 Campbell Medical Supplies, Paisley £3,386.73 Camtec, Herts £552 Canniesburn Taxis, Bearsden £269.69 Capital Solutions, Edinburgh £11,423.40 Capito Ltd, Livingston £1,049.69 Carberry’s Coaches, Portadown Co Armagh £1,200 Carnival Chaos Production, Edinburgh £672 Carol Govan, Glasgow £600 Cask Productions, Glasgow £1,980 Cask Sports, Glasgow £2,919.60 Catercare Scotland, Stewarton £420 Charlton Chauffeur Drive, Glasgow £792 Childcare Vouchers, London £1,143.74 Chilli It, Chester £416.52 Chris Clarke, Kilmarnock £150 Christine Siebelt, Milngavie £1,100 Citrus Office Solutions, Lancashire £4,304.24 City Electrical Factors, Glasgow £215.40 Clyde Productions, Glasgow £180 Coca Cola £10,133.91 Colin Suggett, Sunderland £741.80 Collstream Limited, Derby £5,779.37 Collyer Bristow, London £40,691.22 Colours Agency Glasgow £1,980 Computer Links, Livingston £2,146.32 Computershare Investor Service, Bristol, £23,855.03 Craig Services & Access East Sussex £900 Culture & Sport Glasgow £10,338.96 Daily Record & Sunday Mail £312 DealBureau Commercial Finance, Southend £10,000 Decco Limited, Glasgow £174.72 Dell Computer Corporation, Berkshire £272.85 Direct Medical Imaging, Lancashire £230 Disclosure Scotland £372 Dominique S Byrne, Nuffield Hospital, Glasgow £160 Dr David A S Marshall, Bridge of Weir £160 Dundas & Wilson, Edinburgh £24,027.84 E.ON £8,827.14 Eagle Consulting, Inverness £40 Eagle Couriers, Bathgate £96.60 Eden Springs, Blantyre £644.64 Edinburgh Audi £5,197.08 Electrical Was te Recycling, County Durham £18 Enterprise Rent-a-Car, Stirling £9,000 Events Audio Visual, Clydebank £300 Exchequer Corporate Finance , Surrey £4,000 Executive Hire, Harlow £1,060 FES FM, Stirling £80,874.93 FL Memo, London £116.86 FX Signs, Glasgow £15,546.56 G Media Mangement, Cheltenham £995 G4S, Surrey £295,036.24 GTG Training, Glasgow £396 Gareth Neil Design, Glasgow £3,200 Gerry McGeoch, Glasgow £150 Glasgow Audi £1,041.62 Glasgow City Council £5,000 Glasgow City Council (Council Tax) £2,008.21 Glasgow Leading Attractions (The Willow Tea Rooms) £1,525 Glasgow Taxis £TBC Glencairn Crystal Studio, East Kilbide £354 Gordon McKay, Blackridge £150 HOBS Reprographics, Glasgow £270.15 HSS Hire Service £67.10 Hamilton Brothers, Bishopton £115.56 Hay McKerron Associates, Milngavie £3,600 Hepscott Water Systems, Morpeth £1,190.28 Hrvoje Bojanic Beethoveova, Zagreb, Croatia £2,898.42 Hutchesons Eductational Trust, Glasgow £550 ILC Media, Preston £2,040 IMG Media, Chiswick £180 Impact Signs, Cumbernauld £9,482.79 Integrated Cleaning Management, Hampshire £3,329.19 Iris Chorus Application Software, Devon £5,973.60 Iris Ticketing, Devon £37,210.42 Iron Mountain, Livingston £1,271.16 JCM Business Consulting, Paisley £2,745 JJB Sports £19,390.59 James Gordon (Engineers), Galston £1,437.68 Jewson, Glasgow £930.60 Joe Lennon Picture Framing, Bearsden £840 John Deere, Gloucester £41,191.59 K7X, Ayr, £240 Kalamazoo Secure Solutions, Birmingham £4,017 Keith Hawley, Glasgow £2,600 Kevin Cameron Radio Service, Paisley £600 Kube Networks, Glasgow £7,672.08 L & S Litho, Glasgow £17,035.04 Lothian Power Clean, Larkhall £194.34 LSK Supplies, Glasgow £178.58 Lawrie Furnishings, Paisley £607.20 Limelight Networks , Arizona £2,333.49 Link Seating Limited, Worcestershire £606.98 Loomis UK, Nottingham £2,248.08 Louis Grace Electrical, Glasgow £1,087.84 Lyco Direct Limited, Milton Keynes £2,381.27 MSM Solicitors, Paisley £420 MacGregor Industrial Supplies, Inverness £106.76 Mackinnon Partners, Gourock £200 Manea Florin Bucharest £37,500 Mar Hall, Bishopton £5,511.90 Marsh Ltd UK, Norwich £779.10 Martin Dawes, Warrington £654.74 Media House, Glasgow £19,200 MediaCom, Edinburgh £11,544.42 Menzies Hotels, Derbyshire £257.40 Michael Douglas, Glasgow £100 Milngavie Mini Market £413.29 Modular Property Holdings, Glasgow £20,930.22 Motif Promotional Clothing, Glasgow £27.29 Murray Group Holdings, Edinburgh £278,964.30 Nairn Brown (Glasgow) £1,492.50 National Car Rental, Leicester £162.52 Navyblue Design Group, Edinburgh £6,960 Newline Products, Glasgow £7,001 Newsquest (Herald & Times £1,500 Nexo S.A., France £1,799.37 Nicola Young, Glasgow £3,500 Noble Grossart, Edinburgh £18,612 Nordic Scouting, Oslo £20,000 North Glasgow College £11,041.80 OHSS, Edinburgh £234 OfficeFurnitureOnline.co.uk, Dumfires £338.40 Ooyala, California £733.92 Opal Telecom £169.72 Orebro SK £150,000 Oxford Hotels & Inns (Carnoustie) £3,709.96 PR Newswire Europe £300 PTS - Plumbing Trade Supplies, Leicester £30.42 Paramed, Howwood £1,050 Parklands Country Club, Glasgow £500 Parks of Hamilton £7,256 Paton Plant, York £1,450.16 Perform Group, Middlesex £346,097.43 Pineapple Aroundshot, Co Durham £2,316.96 Pineapple Photographic, Co Durham £5,875 Ping Network Solutions, Glasgow £4,020.25 Plum Films, Edinburgh £3,000 Posh Deli, Glasgow £260 Postage by Phone, Essex £510.80 Premier Cash Registers, Glasgow £12,600 Prime Commercial Properties Management, London £10,805.53 Professional Pre-Season Tours (Libero), Glasgow £60,000 Quick Shift Tyre Service, Glasgow £48 R.F.Brown, Hamilton £1,681.44 RBS WorldPay, Cambridge £180.66 RS Components Limited, Northants £204.95 Rangers Lotteries Ltd, Glasgow £105.80 Reed Business Information, Surrey £2,764.80 Renfrewshire Council HQ £108 Restore Scotland, Paisley £579.74 Rigby Taylor Limited, Bolton £10,762.16 Rodgers Sercurity Systems, Glasgow £342.50 Ross Hall Hospital, Glasgow £770.50 Ross Promotional, Glasgow £1,022.88 Royal Mail £3,262.54 SDL Group, Glasgow £1,350 SG World, Cheshire £577.56 SIR Teknologi, West Sussex £TBC SK Rapid, Austria £1,011,763.44 STRI, West Yorkshire £17.28 Saffery Champness, Glasgow £31,028.01 Scot-West Business Forms, Glasgow £749.60 Scotprint, Haddington £7,514 Scotrae Productions, Greenock £17,058.94 Scottish Ambulance Service £8,438.40 Scottish Hydro Electric £62,527.30 Scottish Power £302.44 Search Promotional Merchandise, Buckinghamshire £6,240 Shanks Waste Management, Southampton £122.58 Sharon Agnew, Glasgow £460 Shawfield Timber, Glasgow, £786.24 Shell UK £7,637.94 Shields Land Rover, Glasgow £246.75 Shred-it Glasgow £444 Sign Plus, Dunfermline £2,473.22 Signature Industries, London £1,507.90 Simplewaste Solutions, Clydebank £17,626.26 Sinclair Pharmacy, Glasgow £1,909.79 Slater Menswear , Glasgow £688.31 Solutions.tv, Glasgow £2,652 Sound Acoustic Productions, Glasgow £12,000 Souters Irrigation Services, Cumbernauld £456 Spike Multiedia, Giffnock £5,312.50 Sporting iD, Tyne and Wear £144.70 Sportopps.com, Belfast £150 Sports Alliance, Bury £2,006.65 Sports Revolution, London £5,034.52 Stellar Football, London £72,000 Stirling Fire Protection £1,149.30 Stockline Plastics, Glasgow £258 Strathclyde Police £51,882 Striking Imagery, Cumbernauld £113.51 Stuart MacMorran, Clydebank £422.50 Summit Asset Management, Surrey £70,555.88 Susan Thomson Your Sonsie Face, Glasgow £40 TNT £1,255.39 Tabs FM, London, £1,980 Tellcomm Limited, West Midlands £6,435.89 The Arco Group, Hull £443.43 The Brite Bulb, Bishopbriggs £3,209.64 The Burnbrae, Bearsden £1,403.88 The Business & Property Bureau, Bearsden £7,376 The Business Incentives Group, Glasgow £1,893.60 The City of Edinburgh Council £90 The Fees Company, Edinburgh £118.16 The Financial Times £3,480 The Scottish Football League £3,859.92 The Premier Property Group, Edinburgh £103,210.96 Thistle International Freight, Paisley £128.42 Thistle Storage Equipment, Cumbernauld £140.40 Thomas Cook Sport, Manchester £129,216.56 Ticket Team, Netherlands £873.36 Ticketline Network, Manchester £11,668.67 Trade UK (Screwfix) £77.01 Trident Trust Company, Jersey £40,689.90 UK Fast, Manchester £689.78 US Citta di Palermo, Italy £205,513.04 Umbro £1,756.05 University of the West of Scotland £135 Vodafone £204 Voicescape, Manchester £786.84 William Henderson, Glasgow £275 Yuill & Kyle Solicitors, Glasgow £1,486.80
  12. 43 points
    The Rangers still not updating the score 2 and a half years later
  13. 43 points
    No problem. Religion is fucking ridiculous in this day and age and therefore the head of two churches can go and f**k themselves IMVHO.
  14. 41 points
  15. 41 points
    an absolutely delicious thought thinking of the mutants with the granite city rangers flag having to travel up the road to GIRFUY’s from all the dons going home.
  16. 39 points
    St Johnstone fans still in tears because a couple of Thistle fans criticised their style of football in 2013. Strange bunch.
  17. 39 points
    Adult men, or anyone over the age of 12, who watches WWF wrestling.
  18. 38 points
  19. 37 points
  20. 36 points
    I remember when I was little I learned about Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King and why it was bad to be racist. Couldn't believe it when I looked in the mirror and I'd turned black.
  21. 36 points
    I was taught maths/french/English/religion/music etc. at primary school. The pressure to become a mathematician /french person / English person / cleric / musician etc. at 5 was unbearable tbh.
  22. 36 points
  23. 34 points
  24. 34 points
    Al Jazeera Plenty experience of operating in places torn by sectarian violence and bigotry. The obvious choice.
  25. 34 points
    Honestly who else wants a greeny cus I’m giving them out like naebdy’s business rn. This is what it’s fucking all about. You’ll never know this feeling you gloryhunting *** fucks. Honestly, one of the best wins I’ve ever seen. We were dreadful in midfield and attack, BUT the back five of Lewis; Logan, Devlin, McKenna, Lowe is probably the best McInnes has assembled. With that base, anything can happen. Yet to concede in this competition. We’re winning this fucking thing. Dandies I love each and every one of you. Diddies, I’m just glad we’ve finally been able to do you proud. 2 Banter 2 Years continues at pace. Stevie G you scouse thug. f**k off. Lager lager lager lager lager lager
  26. 33 points
    You're a fucking weirdo.
  27. 32 points
    Inject this right into my veins.
  28. 32 points
    Ian Durrant didn’t die for this.
  29. 32 points
    At least they don't have to read your fucking posts.
  30. 31 points
  31. 31 points
  32. 31 points
    Tribute to Gazza day. Expectations Reality
  33. 30 points
    The pound is falling, all around me Tories playing, having fun It's the treason Of Gove and Boris Johnson Merry Brexit everyone
  34. 30 points
    My favourite bit was when Barry Ferguson’s nephew scored the goal
  35. 29 points
    At least one minterific banner of questionable spelling held with misguided pride. Six ex members of the forces marching out to the centre circle beforehand to lay wreaths of poppies. Two will be visibly disabled but in the "oh that brave wee soldier" way without actually giving us someone with Simon Weston style disfigurement; lest people start questioning the validity of ruining lives for the minor gains war brings. Loudly singing about Irish footballer, who has never played in the Scottish league, James McClean. Camera will find one middle aged wummin crying. She will milk this video later in the night at the bingo to get folk to buy her drinks. In four months time we'll find out the guy they hired to play the bugle never got paid.
  36. 29 points
    Take a helmet Marten. Here’s one here for you.
  37. 29 points
  38. 28 points
    Classic Celtic whataboutery Sad to see, but unsurprising.
  39. 28 points
  40. 28 points
    English, apparently.
  41. 28 points
    Aye , a fucking 4th to be reckoned with
  42. 28 points
  43. 27 points
  44. 27 points
    These days, if you say you're a heterosexual man, you get arrested and thrown in jail.
  45. 27 points
    On self-preservation, the original EoS 13 clubs set the example. They invited all comers to join them at the same level, pushing back their deadlines to accommodate everyone and creating conferences, outnumbering themselves two-to-one, knowing it would make it vastly harder for them to reach the LL, ensuring a tough season for most of them and a brutal season for some, all in the name of unifying the grades. If they hadn't, the PWG would still be at square one today. They're the only group of clubs that have made a sacrifice in the interests of the game. For that, I really think they deserve to be recognised as the only non-league feeder to the LL (or LL2) in the south-east of Scotland.
  46. 27 points
  47. 27 points
    'Nah my family's from Glasgow, that's why I support them.'
  48. 26 points
  49. 26 points
  50. 26 points
    This isn't really offensive. It does however highlight how laughably moronic a gathering of Rangers minded people is though.
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