Villains

Right lads, here’s the plan. We’ll split up into 3 groups. Group 1 – get on the first ferry to Holland. Hunt down Kevin Blom and bring him back here for sentencing. Group 2 - the same task with Jan Rezek. He has to be held accountable for crimes against football. And Group 3 – get yourselves to the headquarters of UEFA, FIFA, Sky TV or whoever the hell is running football these days and wreck the place. Let them know we won’t stand for this nonsense anymore.

The referee bore the main brunt of the fans and players frustration on Saturday. He was ignorant, arrogant and dismissive of all Scotland’s appeals for the rules of the game to be properly applied. He made two glaring errors, almost certainly costing us a place at Euro 2012, yet showed a complete lack of humility, to the point Darren Fletcher, normally the most mild-mannered of Scotland captains, lashed out in a post-match interview, claiming Blom ignored him throughout the match, wearing a ‘blank’ expression on his face for the duration. For these crimes he should be stripped of his ‘Elite’ refereeing tag. In fact, he should also be stripped of his clothes and forced to march down Sauchiehall Street at closing time on a Saturday night while drunks resembling Geordie Shore rejects hurl half eaten chips and cheese in his direction. As much as we now love to hate him however, Kevin Blom is not the real villain of the peace. He may be a moron, but his main crime was allowing himself to be manipulated by a far greater evil. If football were a Batman movie, he’d be a henchman. A peripheral figure.

Far closer to real villain is Jan Rezek. In hurling himself to the Hampden turf on Saturday, he had no intention other than to CHEAT. Pure and simple. You often see ex-strikers on highlights shows becoming apologists for this crime. The phrase ‘the striker is entitled to go to ground in that position’ often arises. Perhaps then the phrases ‘the striker is entitled to take steroids to improve his performance’ or ‘ the striker is entitled to take a bribe to fix the match’ should also enter the football pundit’s vernacular. All three are clear examples of cheating, therefore all three should be viewed on the same moral and ethical level. The player has to be punished for this. My choice would be for him to be buried in the desert up to his neck next to a nest of fire ants, then have honey poured in his eyeballs. I realise however that this may be unrealistic, so I’ll settle for a lengthy ban and a hefty fine, although I doubt even that will happen. He’ll more than likely escape with no sanction whatsoever, free to continue throwing himself to the ground in football stadia around the world, all thanks to the incompetence of the game’s governing bodies. In villainy terms, Jan Rezek is The Riddler. Adept at deceit. A terrible villain, no doubt, but still not the main man. Not quite evil enough to be The Joker.

That honour, the honour of being the most nefarious, deceitful, downright evil enemy of all that is good and pure has to go to the game’s governing bodies. All of them. From the SFA, SPL and SFL right up to FIFA and UEFA, the floors of the corridors of power are alive with the writhing of snakes. Balding men in ill-fitting suits shaking sweaty palms over grubby deals while the stench of expensive wine and cheap morals linger in the air. In a parallel universe they are all used car salesmen with gold teeth. In the sleaziness stakes they make Peter Stringfellow look like Cliff Richard. These men will be the death of the beautiful game, they will bleed it dry, wringing every last penny out of it while we the fans have to watch it die, helpless. There is no punishment too great for these self-serving narcissists, Sepp Blatter most of all. At every turn they make completely the wrong decision for our game, flying in the face of accepted logic, in the face of the wishes of the fans. It is thanks to them that we still don’t have the use of video evidence, many years after most other major sports embraced it, and despite repeated calls from players, managers and fans.
   
That is the most frustrating thing of all. That we, the fans, know what needs to be done. We know the SPL should be a 16, 18 or even 20 team league. We know that we should bring in video replays for major games. We know we should be handing out harsh punishments for diving, using video evidence to retroactively convict guilty parties. We know that Qatar should never, ever have been awarded the World Cup. We know that men of questionable qualifications and even more questionable character should not be allowed to run the game. Yet we are constantly ignored.

It’s time we got rid of these pen-pushers and bureaucrats once and for all. The men at the top, from now on, should have made their name in football strips, training tops or sheepskin jackets. Give me John Greig or Billy McNeill at the head of the SFA. Give me Johan Cruyff or Paulo Maldini at the head of the big two. Sepp Blatter? I’d rather send in Gazza with a six-pack and a KFC Bargain Bucket. At least his heart would be in the right place.

Article by Ross Harris