29
Sep
Pie Hard; Livingston
Pie 4. Steak Pie (£2.30) served at Almondvale Stadium, Livingston.
Livingston FC 4 - 2 Dundee FC.
Scottish League Division 1. 20/08/2011.
It was a pleasant day to travel through to West Lothian to visit the modern town of Livingston. The area looks a little bit unusual compared to most Scottish towns as it was all built fairly recently. Don't think of some sort of setting from a Jetsons cartoon though, with all the roundabouts and the lack of any old architecture it is a little bit like Scotland's very own version of Milton Keynes. While Livingston are also a modern football club (founded in the mid 90's if memory serves me correct) Dundee have quickly built quite a rivalry with the West Lothian outfit. Our clubs share similarities in that neither of us know how to manage our finances and we've both almost gone to the cleaners in recent years. We also both enjoy a bit of cheating here and there. Almondvale is an unusual stadium in that most of the corners of the ground are filled in which you normally consider to only be seen at the largest stadia. The sounds of beating drums also carry through the air but rather than the heady atmosphere of, say, The Maracana it is just a small pack of bairns who are known as the Drum Beat Mafia. Clattering skins like some sort of primitive caveman is big down these parts. You're boring me now Gus, tell me about the pies and 'ting.
Facilities
Livingston FC 4 - 2 Dundee FC.
Scottish League Division 1. 20/08/2011.
It was a pleasant day to travel through to West Lothian to visit the modern town of Livingston. The area looks a little bit unusual compared to most Scottish towns as it was all built fairly recently. Don't think of some sort of setting from a Jetsons cartoon though, with all the roundabouts and the lack of any old architecture it is a little bit like Scotland's very own version of Milton Keynes. While Livingston are also a modern football club (founded in the mid 90's if memory serves me correct) Dundee have quickly built quite a rivalry with the West Lothian outfit. Our clubs share similarities in that neither of us know how to manage our finances and we've both almost gone to the cleaners in recent years. We also both enjoy a bit of cheating here and there. Almondvale is an unusual stadium in that most of the corners of the ground are filled in which you normally consider to only be seen at the largest stadia. The sounds of beating drums also carry through the air but rather than the heady atmosphere of, say, The Maracana it is just a small pack of bairns who are known as the Drum Beat Mafia. Clattering skins like some sort of primitive caveman is big down these parts. You're boring me now Gus, tell me about the pies and 'ting.
Facilities
The cookie-cutter scene of 2 serving hatches staffed by some pram-faced temptresses. The standard of the pie-hatch talent in Livingston is fairly high. I did a Roger Moore eyebrow before considering several years locked in Peterhead prison for sexual relations with a minor would not be the best of looks.
The service was pleasant but they weren't the sharpest tools in the box. I asked for a steak pie, I was given a mince pie. I told her it was a mince pie and she gave me the sort of confused look she probably gave her teacher in trigonometry class earlier that week. "Nup, but, is it?" I informed her it was, she returned promptly with my meat-prize so no harm was done.
Pricing
Pricing
Good Lord. I mean, where do I start? £2.00 for a cup of fucking tea or coffee? £1.90 for a carton of Ribena? A pound for a bag of crisps? You'd have thought you were dining in one of Frances finest Michelin star restaurants till you blinked and realised you were in West Lothian. Almost criminal pricing.
Perhaps it would all be worthwhile when I tucked into the pie itself?
Presentation
What was going on here? The pie came in a tin tray but the tray was squashed so it never contained the product. My pie's arse was hanging out like a city centre skateboarders boxer shorts out of his skinny jeans. It was piping hot, which gave promise but hopes of a lift test were looking shaky as the pastry casing was already as ruptured as Elton John's battered dunger. Once again the lid had incinerated indistinguishable brown sludge melted to it. Things weren't looking good but at least it was hot. I was also as hungry as a predatory shark in Egyptian waters sniffing out a juicy newlywed swimmer so I was game to give it a go. 3/10.
Crust
Pie pastry can be a tricky balance. Recent weeks have seen soft stuff that tore assunder in hand. This pie certainly seemed fairly well fired and the initial lift-and-bite motion passed without incident. However, when I rammed it in my craw and chomped down my teeth near bounced off some bizarre diamond-hard substance in pastry clothing. A harder bite fractured the tough shell and a strange small door opened in the side allowing me to peer inside. The pastry itself was practically inedible. 1/10
Filling
There was barely any in there. The narrow gap I could now peek into showed a couple of meat blobs in another shambles of an attempt at gravy. I'm not sure what the brown scorched stuff on the lid could have really been. There was no gravy in there. I fished out a chunk and plopped it in the sauce on the top of the pie and it was not too bad really. Properly cooked stewing steak. There was only one or two pieces available though and the pies shell just turned it into what seemed to be a fairly meagre bag of meat-chunk crisps. The rest of the pie was starting to fall to bits now but there was no danger of spilling any filling on yourself as there was practically none to speak of in the first place. 2/10
Consistency
A lift test pass as the outer casing was harder than a Danny Dyer series shown at 10pm on SkyOne showcasing various hard b*****ds. This pie may have been good as an improvised weapon but as far as fullfilling its purpose of being a tasty food product it was woefully lacking. The tin tray was already buckled like the wheel on a fat kids bike before I'd tucked in so it was in hand for 10 seconds easilly. After around 2 unsatisfactory bites the outer shell cracked like a cream-cracker you had foolishly overloaded with Dairylea in a drink fueled snack binge and started to crumble within my grasp. As hungry as I was it was consigned to the cold terracing with another expertly crafted flick of the wrist. 2/10
Overall
More poor pie fayre. I'm not even all that fussy when it comes to pies but this years have been fairly awful. Judging by the large amounts of food strewn over the terraces it seemed no one was very pleased with what had been on offer yesterday. The potato wedges looked especially rank. I made the dissapointing trudge back to the stall for the frankly depressing packet of crisps and chocolate bar option to take the edge of my drunken hunger pangs for yet another week.
More poor pie fayre. I'm not even all that fussy when it comes to pies but this years have been fairly awful. Judging by the large amounts of food strewn over the terraces it seemed no one was very pleased with what had been on offer yesterday. The potato wedges looked especially rank. I made the dissapointing trudge back to the stall for the frankly depressing packet of crisps and chocolate bar option to take the edge of my drunken hunger pangs for yet another week.
Almondvale Stadium. The picture came out quite dark, it was actually a very pleasant Scottish summers day. Exciting game too and enjoyable to watch, despite the result. It's off to Aberdeen on Tuesday night next for a meeting with one of the SPL big boys in the League Cup. Will the Premier League produce a premier pie experience? Find out in the next write-up.
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