Sep

Pie Hard; Partick Thistle

Big Gus continues his culinary tour of Scotland with a trip to Maryhill in search of the Pie Hard champion 2011. Oh the banter!

Pie 3. Steak Pie (£2.00) served at Firhill Stadium, Maryhill, Glasgow.
Partick Thistle 0 - 1 Dundee FC.
Scottish League Division 1. 06/08/11

This is a trip I took twice last year and both times the pies were fairly honking and the "sauce wall" an eye-opener. How would the Jags fair this time around?

Facilities

Pretty much the same as before. 2 hatches with youngsters earning their food related corn from the double servery set-up to the rear of the stand. The first down point came with all the hot grub being at a premium as I wisely attempted to get an early munch in. A pie shortage at 10 past 3? While the current financial climate must be considered and sending them back to the supplier unsold would never be a smart move in these cash-strapped times it's not like Partick Thistle have the excuse of being some part time outfit. They are one of Scotlands more famous footballing institutions. There was chaos at the hot food points with riled punters being turned away very early doors. Some did a sprint like Chariots of Fire down the concourse when word got out that one or the other servery had been replenished with something pie related. Half time could and did get interesting. Before long and possibly fearing crowd disorder due to the police having to take up residence at the serving station the folk in charge brought in meat reinforcements for the hungry masses. Not the best though. The first league game of the season was a stick on for a large travelling support.

This is the fairly decent police and steward presence that turned up when things got naughty down the pie stall as things ran out.

Pricing

Much the same as last season but a tad misleading. It wasn't due to the understocking either. The nacho machine was gone. You could also forget about a hot dog as the weird hot tin thing that keeps them warm was also MIA. You could have a steak pie or a mince pie or one of those skinny reduced fat numbers. Mr Singh's Chicken Curry Pie was also available. I saw the look of dissapointment on the punter in front of me's pus when the almost laughably tiny pastry Singh-thing was placed in his hand so I gave that a swerve. The hot and cold drink pricing was on a par with most other 1st Division grounds.

After dodging a Tottenham style ruckus situation and getting my grub, lets have a look at the pie:

Presentation

Another deceiver that disguised itself fairly well. At an away game the situation of buying hot food is much like that of the average pissed up male after 8 pints in a dodgy nightclub. The beer goggles are on and your meaty partner initially looks like a match made in heaven to you. Once you delve in though and start to undo the wrapping you realise you've made a horrific error of judgement and must now appease the double-chipper Shamu you have charmed. The Eastern lid peninsula had a scorched-crust like effect as if an intense gravy-cluster bombing had occurred, not the best. Overall though it seemed passable, a golden brown colour met the eyes, however it felt colder than the early morning taxi you ordered wihout your catches consent to just end the whole shambolic and rather embarrasing experience as quickly as possible. 4/10

Crust
I thought I was going to big pastry pimp it with my steak and gravy pies this season. This steak pie was the same as last weeks tragic effort on the crust front. The top was OK, the lid had that faux puff pastry effect like you were having some sort of fucked up hand-held pub lunch while observing the football but as soon as you tried to tuck in you found undercooked, cold and frankly sloppy pastry walls trying to contain whatever lurked inside. I barely manage 1 bite before the whole affair collapsed within my fingers like an old man suffering a severe stroke at a bus stop. Terrible. 1/10

Filling
Now disgruntled at having braved a potential police baton about the napper to take this product in I was at least hoping the crust had ripped assunder under a heaving and bountiful filling. How wrong I was. If this was steak it was the enhanced under-wired bra variety rather than any sort of succulent meaty lumps. It just looked like rough meat paste had been chucked in there. I stuck a finger into the huge pastry cavity and delved about but never found one solid piece of stray meat to fondle. There was also no gravy to speak of. Boke. 1/10

Consistency
It was maybe unprofessional of me but you could forget a lift test here. The whole pie had disintegrated into pathetic pieces just trying to take a bite and the stand was too busy to be showering some poor bystander a seat down from me with sloppy pastry and reconstituted meat of some description.. If you could pull off a fully fledged lift-test on this then I suggest you apply to those Penn and Teller guys, there is no way they'd understand how you could work such magic and a trip to Vegas to show off your lift testing prowess would definitely be on the cards. The small stand was full and anyone who has been unfortunate enough to step in a discarded pie knows it is much akin to stepping in a large, slobbery dogs excretion. Always thinking of my fellow fans I decided to cut my losses before deftly launching it into a small unused sectioned area of the stand with considerable contempt. 1/10

Overall
You've had your chance Thistle, I've often considered it is pot luck and indeed other more desperate punters who sprinted between the serverys to get a pie reported some decent hot products to eat, they did look quite drunk though. That is 3 strikes and you're out. I had to resort to 2 bags of salt and vinegar Walkers and a Twix to fill the drunken gap in my stomach. Poor show.