I note that the owner of Stirling Albion has advertised his club in the press. Nothing wrong in this as I beleive that the Stirling owner is illl and I, of course wish him a speedy recovery.
However if you were to place an advert for your club in the national press what would it say and how would you sell your club?

RRFC - Biggest club in the second division. Come and support us if you think you're big enough.

Rovers have brilliant adverts. One fore the samaritans asking if you are "feeling lonely? feeling depressed? feeling suicidal?"...two adverts up it has "looking for that killer finish?".

Come see Brechin City. We're up there challenging with the big boys of Raith and Ayr!

Ayr might be big but we're fucking massive.

Maybe you should cut down on the pies at half time.

Alas, such is the price for being a massive club.

Its not the size that matters, it's what you do with it that counts....


Or so I've heard.

Are you French? Are you deranged? Do you have any famous brothers and are quite good on Football Manager (especially managing Arsenal)? Do you like to swap brown envelopes and the contents therein?

Then we want to hear from you! No experience preferred as you'll be working with crooks, tax-dodgers, betting syndicates, arrogant weegies and supervised by an unseen gangster.

Contact either - scrappy@randolph.fatf.uk or mcgoonheights@prattst.soon





*Disclaimer*

Any similarities to actual events are purely coincidental...

Are you always the bridesmaid and never the bride? If so then we have the football club to suit you.

Ayr United - running from 1910 - No Careful owners

RRFC, the name in itself is pure gold advertising


Oh and the pie's and stovies are tasty too.

Tired of day trips to see the likes of Man U and Arsenal? Feel that the 'attractive' football teams are a bit gay or at the very least Metro? Come to Starks Park, we have a long history of bad football and heterosexuality.

We are also huge and will soon be known as the 'Biggest Team in the First Division'.

Or


125 YEARS AND BEYOND

OUR FUTURE

IS IN YOUR HANDS

SO GET YER ERSES DOWN TO

STARKS PARK THE PRIDE OF FIFE

For Sale-Forward thinking football club.Going cheap.Owner moving away.Ground needs a little work.

with this as the picture

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_261/1208872417W2dMcD.jpg

I love those adverts. They're the same colour, and font too

For Sale - One football club, bit of a fixer upper but work required is minimal. Comes complete with neighbours who like to share parking spaces.

With our home form over the last few years there can't be many Rovers fans who haven't been tempted to note the samaritans number on their mobile. They were even doing a collection outside the ground before the East Fife match

one football club for sale

good all year climate and fine social activities

Investment opportunity of a lifetime.

Do you want to be the envy of your friends, attract beautiful women and have respect throughout the country? Then you too can own a football club and I have the investment for you!

East Fife are currently seeking a new owner. They are curently situated in a picturesque prime real estate location with panoramic views over the Forth Estuary, Methil Power Station and various redundant oil rigs. Close your eyes, and you can imagine you're in the Costa's, Brazil or any other warm place with no extradition treaties.

Current staff are highly skilled and motivated to work for brown envelopes stuffed with used notes, which should cut down those dreaded paperwork days with the tax man. It's also currently set up to do most laundry chores such as blazers, shirts and drug money, so it can also be set up as a secondary business front!

We would like to hear from you especially if you come from Colombia/Afghanistan or even Holland, as there is a ready made market for you to access within the wider community of Fife.

125yo football club, WLTM 4000 supporters.

GSOH necessary, sadistic nature a plus.

No fat chicks.

Attention all Rovers Fans!
Do you want to follow a GIGANTUA CLUB, instead of just a massive club?
Then follow Ayr United!

The BIGGEST club outside the SPL, even bigger than Rovers

That's just something women say to supporters of small clubs to make them feel less inadequate

Are you a russian billionairre oil tycoon afraid to go home incase of imprisonment? Do you want to live somewhere with more eastern europeans than you can shake a stick at? Do you want to own the biggest football club in the second division? Then come on down to Stark's Park, Kirkcaldy in the picturesque Kingdom of Fife. Sit in comfort as our neigbours from around Fife and surrounding hovels like Clackmannanshire die with envy at the size of your wonderful new club. Enjoy taking your new friends back to the promised land of the SPL where they obviously belong.


Warning: Club may actually not be that big, Fife is actually not picturesque, you will have to endure a bunch of moaning faced gits with ridiculous expectations who will criticise you if you don't sign Ronaldo and Torres with the millions you are hiding somewhere and don't win every trophy going.

Ever wanted to own a football club? Ever wanted to live that millionaire lifestyle?

For sale long established football club with excellent facilities. Set in a rustic surrounding, Somerset Park dates back to the Victorian era. It has maintained all of it's period features, (eg the worlds largest communal shower is located at the north of the ground and the trophy room is as good as new), whilst incorporating some features that the modern lifestyle requires. Conservatory, several state of the art WCs, world class catering facilities and a large box shaped function suite. Some rapid upgrading of size may be required as the ground may not be able to cope with the huge away support of the Biggest team in the league.

Although nestling in an urban area, wildlife is an integral part of the ground. For the ornathologists amongst you the ground is a protected site of special scientific interest due to it's massive seabird population. On top of that the ground has been known to, from time to time, attract huge populations of the endagered Red Squirrel species, however these squirrels never stay for long, and can usually be seen running back north with their tails between their legs.

Planning permission exists for the site if you want to transform the ground. If you do take this option you will be aided every step of the way by the wonderfully helpful local authority.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy the football club at a knockdown price, as next year the price will rocket when the club moves up a league.

Do you like eating pies that are running with grease? Are you a grumpy b*****d? Perhaps you feel the need to find a large empty space in which you can vent your spleen of a weekend. In which case come to the San Starko in the sunshine state of Kirkcaldy! Bring the kids! They can run about behind the goals bored out their tiny minds and cursing the day you took them. Bring the wife! She can go shopping in the millionaires playground that is Kdy. The dead people of Kirkcaldy are pure dead classy and there are hundreds of charity shops to hoover up the dead pensioners clothes.

Raith Rovers (in association with the sunshine state of Kirkcaldy) Fun for all the family!

I'd harp on about our natural advantages:#

"Bracing doesn't get close to describing the Gayfield experience"

"Every game comes with free air conditioning"

"Feel close to nature - gales and seagulls in your face"

Gaze on the sea and ponder eternity. It's better than the crap on the pitch.

Tired of mundate games where you team convert chances with ease, feel like being a glory hunter is no fun any more, dissapointed by the lack of large fabric material in your ground?

We currently have vancanies for those who realish a supporting challenge and feel at home with a football hitting the 3rd row rather than the net.

In return we will provide 90mins every week of near misses and what ifs, the opportunity for a return to the forgotten long ball style football and the promise of being the biggest club in the league *

All that we ask in return for that fantastic opportunity is that you sit poker faced for 90mins until you feel the need to shout obsenities at your team in way of encouragement, while admiring the large fabric material rather than watching what is going on

* we do not specify what league or provide a timescale for when this may happen

Got dirty money needing laundered?
Got a rival tyre garage needing burnt down?
Got a history of drug dealing and association with gangsters..........?

We've found your dream purchase.

East Fife Football Club.

I Think I've started something here. Do you think I'll get a mention in the Scotsman?

No chance! They tend to skip the 2nd division...

If your have some extra cash lying around the house dont piss it up against the wall....

Piss it up against Stair Park we need your money NOW!

Or just get some very attractive lady cheerleeders and get them to put on a ''special'' ( ) show and am sure the crowds will flow in