When asked in the pub last night to name my top 5 c***s in the media (tv, radio, and press only). I expected a mildly amusing way to pass 10 minutes or so. Nearly 24 hours later, I've worked myself into furious rage by continually re-shuffling my list - until I have the below. A concise list, densely packed with utter fuds. I'm sitting in the house myself, unable to concentrate on the work I was supposed to have done on Friday - and I need to vent my spleen.

It's less of a question, more of a prison cell constructed out of hate.

Without further ado....

1. Mark Kermode - A most unutterable bawbag of the highest order. Complete with standard issue expressionless smuggity, and 80 quid 50s throwback haircut - Kermode exemplifies every negative facet of the character of a critic. Seemingly ubiquitous but deeply untalented, MK makes a living from delivering deadpan pieces to camera in order to convince you, and himself, that he is more intelligent than the viewer. Looks oily to the touch. Also, typifies the critic inasmuch as any dischord between his opinion and anyone else's merely serves the purpose of further inflating his ego - as it is simply the other who has failed to understand the four hour Indonesian film about the history of the reacharound.

2. Jeremy Vine - Less of a media figure, more of a weapon deployed to devastating effect by the BBC with the intention of luring the idiots back from ITV. A man with an unerring talent to dumb down whatever enters his line of sight, JV has recently been promoted to the anchor's position of Panorama - a state of affairs which would be laughable, if not so deeply depressing.

3. John Torode - The more hirsute of that pair of fat-headed idiots currently running amok as judges of old BBC stalwart Masterchef, Torode has the curious effect of inspiring incredulous laughter, and seething hatred at the same time. YOUR POSITION IN LIFE IS TO CRITIQUE THE HOLLANDAISE-SAUCE-MAKING EFFORTS OF D-LIST CELEBRITIES. THAT IS YOUR LIFE NOW TORODE. I, for one, cannot wait until he samples the gammy tang of one of his own buttocks, flame-grilled to perfection in hell.

4. Alan Green - I don't really think any expansion is necessary. A man whose raison d'etre is to be outraged by sumptious games of football. His voice frequently enters sonar. He is the reason that the football phone-in is a dead format.

5. Marcus Brigstoke - One which I'm sure will split the crowd on p&b. Some think he is hilarious. I think he is a smug, arrogant, self-satisfied twat of the highest order who typifies the most depressing aspect of opposition politics. Simulteanously has an answer for everything, but THE answer for nothing. MB is little more than a loud-mouthed failed sitcom actor who should inspire little but hatred in everyone but deludedly-omniscient 15 year olds who find his transparent references to cabinet ministers hysterical. You're a c**t mate. A c**t.

*exhales*

to be fair on Torode he recently did the saturday kitchen programme as guest presenter on what must have been the hangover from hell. maybe 6 weeks ago.

some nick he was in and amusing seeing him sober up as the show progressed.

Archie MacPherson - p***k!!!!

Gary Lineker - English p***k!!!!

Alan Hansen - Wanna be English p***k!!!

Ian Wright - SHITE ignorant tosser!!!!

Richard Hammond - Thinks he's down with the kids....w****r!!!!

No AA Gill?

1. Richard.
2. Judy.
3. Kermode.
4. Who is that daft looking lassie that presents on T in the Park?
5. Ian Wright.

I agree with you on Marcus Brigstocke! He's part of that smart arsed London liberal set that I despise.

Noel Fielding

Click to view attachment = 5

1) Richard Madeley
2) Andrew Castle (slowly turning into the above)
3) Ian Wright
4) Clive Tyldesley
5) Gerry McNee

Surely it's more of a challenge to name 5 who AREN'T utter c***s?...

Alan Green/Eamonn Holmes - I'm not convinced this is/these are two different people
Jeremy Spake - has no one killed this cretinous, mincing monstrosity yet?
Chris Evans - still an insincere, talentless, horseshit-brained c***
Ben Fogle - sometimes the word c*** isn't strong enough
Gerry McNee/Davie Provan/Hugh Keevins - take your fucking pick

1. Jeremy Kyle
2. Richard
3. Judy
4. John Motson
5. Ian Wright

Piers Moron
Davina McCall
Gary Lineker
Melanie Phillips
Jeremy Vine

Tam Cowan - tedious, unfunny irritating tit. And I hate his squawky voice.

Jeremy Kyle - obnoxious nasty scumbag

Fearne Cotton - vacuous idiot who sucks the life out of anything she is involved in

Zane Lowe - just annoys me

Spoilt for choice with fifth so can't think!

To go against the grain I like Kermode and Brigstocke (though he has annoyed me a bit recently with some of his stuff)

T4 Presenters, they're all c***s and theres at least 5 of them.

Pat Nevin
Pat Nevin
Pat Nevin
Pat Nevin
Pat Nevin

1. Richard Littlejohn (heartless)
2. Vernon Kay (talentless)
3. Does Doctor Phil count? (description-less)
4. Mark Durden-Smith (pointless)
5. Noel Edmonds (helicopter-feckless... ok, I needed a -less and ran out of ideas; I actually have nothing against Noel.)

p.s. What's so bad about John Torode, Estragon?

Former soccer-hooligan-cum-food tester. What's good about him?

Littlejohn
Morgan
MacKenzie

That's the baldy shouty one. John Torode is the Australian guy.

I heard Mark Kermode's review of Rock n Rolla at the weekend. He's gone WAY up in my estimation after that.

Doing some Googling, I was stunned by the foreshadowing present in this TV gem.

You could say that he's a designer religion following twat whose role in life is to steer reprobates through a game of chance and convince them their bingo-winged, cack-headed box choices actually contain a modicum of skill. Arsecandle.

The test for me is folk who rapidly increase my heart rate when i clap eyes on them, for all the wrong reasons.

1. Kelvin McKenzie (the most offensive man on the planet, I never buy fireworks but I'll let one off when he croaks)
2. Jeremy Clarkson (blood on his hands)
3. Eamonn Holmes (how many feckin jobs does one man need?)
4. Mark Lawrenson (no one likes a smart ass, least of all an unfunny one)
5. Davina McCall (is that f**k your maw)

Jeremy Kyle
Jeremy Kyle
Jeremy Kyle
Jeremy Kyle
Jeremy Kyle

Jeremy Clarkson is an absolute genius! Not havin that one

his chat is worth it though

I cant see past Ian Wright for this one, nobody else is bad compared to him

Mark Lawrenson is just pointless, he looks like he can't even be bothered to be there.
Eventually he will just regurgitate 'at the MO-Ment' blah blah.
A ten year old could come out with more insightful punditry.
I wish Gavin Peacock had stayed and ML would gtf.

Jeremy Clarkson
Jonathan Woss
Jeremy Vine
Nigel Stalmer Smith
Motty

Piers Moron
Piers Moron
Piers Moron
Piers Moron
Piers Moron

Hugh Keevins - A right wanker of a human being. Especially that whiney voice. He puts the C in Cunt, the P in Prick, the T in Tosser, the B in Bastard, the W in Wanker, the B in Bawbag, the T in Tit, the A in Arsehole, the C in Cock, the K in knob, and the F in Fanny.

I can't believe noone has mentioned Gerry McNee.

Right, we get the point, you hate the Old Firm. So do we - the only problem is, your hate isn't born from a sense of morality, it's been generated from the fact that you're a pathetic, bitter shell of a man.

Wish I could send him on a year-long plane journey with Billy McNeill, poisonous wee c**t.

You forgot the F'n Fucker!

If I went on further I feel I'd be dedicating too much of my time on the fuckin arsehole.

Gerry McNee is also a prick.

You know. All of the wankers that appear on that joke of a football phone in Clyde 1 are all fuckin arseholes. Keevins, Martin, Johnstone, Geady etc etc

Jeremy 'utter c**t' Paxman
Kelvin McKenzie
p***k Morgan
Alan Green
Nigel Southworth(Edinburgh Evening Rag 'reporter', livi fans will understand)

Vernon f*ckin Kay and his twat of a wife.

whoever the tosser of a setanta commentator for the scotland game was

Have to say I dont listen to radio phone in shows as they pander to and allow air time to the great unwashed. The folk emboldened above - I have no idea who they are (apart, perhaps fro 'Johnstone - is that Derek Johnstone, the former hapless Partick boss? ) - the only reason I have heard of the Keevins chap is due to him running an untrue story about Clyde which he was forced to withdraw, which was discussed on the Clyde site. In short, listening to such twaddle is akin to listening to working class fellows in Argos buying gaudy Jewelry or the same men in newsagents buying tabloid newspapers.

Euan (clueless)cameron
Andy Walker
Greame spiers
John Moston
Allan Hansen