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Ask Auntie Phil


Philomena McCann

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Hullo everybody!

Ah see ye've aw been talkin' aboot me oan that other thread about our puir wee Maddy. Ye've been a wee bit harsh, but that's awright. Auntie Philomena disnae hawd any grudges.

So, ah'm here tae answer ony questions you might have. Mind, forensics are my speciality.

P.S. Sniffer dugs are p'sh. Thought ah'd save yese askin'.

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If I accidentally give my child a full bottle of Kalpol, would this show up in a post mortem??

Here to help dear.

Ye see Kalpol's made up of aw different sorts ae chemicals. Chemicals are also found in swimming pools. Madeleine went swimming every day in Portugal. So even if a post-mortem did show up some chemicals, it would prove nuthin.

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I have a question. Do you have the number for a good childminder? Me and the missus are going out for a rather lary posh do, you know, Hugh and Jemima, Rupert, the Collington-Smithes at the Ivy, and we don't want the children up to their usual tricks. Thanks for the help.

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I'm thinking about setting up a fund of some sort to help less fortunate 32 year olds get on in life. What would you say was the best way to go about this?

Go an speak to Killgore & Sons. They're a pair of 'finanshul advisers' in the East End ae Glasgow. They ken hee-haw aboot stocks, shares and aw that shite but they'll gie ye some different ideas aboot how to make money. ;)

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Can you explain to us the difference between DNA and chromosomes?

Also, who shot JFK?

DNA stands for Drugs 'N' Aw-that. It refers to aw the drugs that are foond in everybody naturally. So aw that baws aboot DNA in the boot is a load of baws. Everyone has Drugs 'N' Aw-that - that proves nuthin. Chromosomes are the same sort of stuff, except it's what poofters have.

JFK? Nae idea. Probably some proddie basturt.

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