Benjamin_Nevis Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Can't believe I forgot about "gloves". An absolutely glorious post, and indeed thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poet of the Macabre Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 I hope the slaughterhouse story is fake because that's fucking horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 ^^^ knows a thing or two about fake posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smpar Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 35 minutes ago, jupe1407 said: Can't believe I forgot about "gloves". An absolutely glorious post, and indeed thread. A couple of posts after that is just as good IMO. "Zapa doo dee pop who wants to go to the pub zobba doo dee doo" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smpar Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 13 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: I seem to remember an animal grinder (not the sexy dating site) being shown on here as well. Albeit they were dead, it was fucking gross. What was gloves? Quote Posted October 18, 2007 by @ICTChris I assume the previous thread on this has been killed in the Great Purge? I used to work with several beauts back in Inverness. One was a guy who was a kind of squat fat chap who claimed to have spina bifida so got work to buy him a super-duper chair with buttons and stuff. Obviously when we were nights we snaffled it and took turns to race aroundthe place on it. Eventually he cottoned onto this and from then on got the security guard to lock it away at nights. He also used to carry one of those iron briefcase things to work and if he wasn't working he'd open it on his desk and rummage around in it, slamming it shut if he heard someone come near him. Once a team leader from our shift opened it when he was on his break and it was full of food packaging and sweetie papers He must have noticed that his briefcase was out of position (think the penguin in Misery) so he sent an email to everyonein the team saying that he was very disappointed and that if anyone wanted to look in his briefcase we should just ask him. He also used to come into work insanely early, like six hours before his shift was due to start and just sat around. He was bizarrely keen and seemed to think this would do him good in his career. However, it didn't mainly because the manager of the place had to tell him to stop it as his 18 hour a day stints were threatening the insurance. His career prospects were probably more harmed by the fact that his ex girlfriend worked in theupstairs office and she had a restraining order against him due to the fact that he stalked her after they split up. This meant that he missed out on training coursesand couldn't apply for any promotions as most of the interviews were done upstairs. How staying in the office for a ridiculous ammount of time would make his employers forget that they had a loon on the staff is beyond me. He was thick as horseshit anyway. Another favourite was Neil, a guy I worked with after getting a promotion of sorts. Neil was an older guy, most of the people there were in their early 20's. He was about 45 and when I first joined the team he was pretty quiet but he was always keen on a night out. This was because he had a drink problem. He wouldn't drink all the time but if he got started he didn't finish for days/weeks/months. He took a holiday once and didn't come back to work for four or five months. The company couldn't contact him and after a month or so sentthe police round to check he wasn't dead. He admitted he had 'a problem' and was allowed back. That's when the fun really began. When he came back he was quite different, he was obviously on medication to control his urges towards drinking and it turned him into a walking comedy sketch. He would jive across the office, call everyone man and constantly, I mean constantly, hum to himself. I used to sit next to him and it was like sitting next to a radio constantly tuned to Jazz FM. "Dooo bee doo doo doo bap doo wop doo waaaah" for every second of the 8 hour shift. He would also talk/sing to himself about what he was doing, as Swampy remembers. So if it was his week doing the morning reports you'd get "doo bee doo be dobeee, ahh'mmm doooooin the morning report, doop doo dee waaah". Eventually he'd take things that were said or mentioned and work them into his routine. So if someone said "Who's coming fro lunch? I fancy a sandwich" you'd get about 30 seconds later "Lunchy lunchy woo beee doooo". This was noticed and we'd deliberately mentioning things completely out of context to get them into his songs. One notable occasion was when a mate of mine stood up apropos of nothing and said very loudly "GLOVES" and sat down. Thirty seconds later "gloves, wooo hoo dop yeah, gloves yeahh" Neil eventually left, the company gave him an ace reference to get rid of him. On one of his drinking benders (which continued despite his treatment) he saw our line manager shopping with his wife and kids and followed him around Tesco shouting abuse, probably like thisL "dooo bee doo deee doo you are a c**toooo". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heedthebaa Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 20 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said: At work today, I did a substantial one before noticing there was no wee bit of toilet roll sticking out of the dispenser. I had to pull my gear up a bit and shuffle to the next trap. I felt a bit clatty and not properly clean after. Not spectacular, but up to date. if you were rushed and it was poking its heed oot fair enough, but surely everyone checks the dispenser first ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Raccoon Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 The gloves post, although decent, is nowhere near even the top 50 best posts on this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig fae the Vale Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 I read through the shitting stories thread at work earlier. The one involving the rabbit cage had me nearly in tears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 10 hours ago, Bert Raccoon said: The gloves post, although decent, is nowhere near even the top 50 best posts on this site. What with humour being subjective some would have it near the top of their top 50, some wouldn't have it in at all. Personally it's in my top 10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 14 hours ago, heedthebaa said: if you were rushed and it was poking its heed oot fair enough, but surely everyone checks the dispenser first ?? My chronic coeliac condition often dictates that time is of the essence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heedthebaa Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 59 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said: My chronic coeliac condition often dictates that time is of the essence. Fair puts my IBS to shame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 10 minutes ago, heedthebaa said: Fair puts my IBS to shame I was drinking and eating the "wrong" stuff yesterday and have been shitting like a Clydesdale horse ever since. Still, at least it's not the Tex Ritters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 I've been waiting for an excuse to post this gif. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Equalizer Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 On 11/30/2017 at 14:04, Sergeant Wilson said: At work today, I did a substantial one before noticing there was no wee bit of toilet roll sticking out of the dispenser. I had to pull my gear up a bit and shuffle to the next trap. I felt a bit clatty and not properly clean after. Not spectacular, but up to date. Ah the old 'shuffle of shame' I've had to perform that once or twice. Always on a Monday when the 2 minute warning is shortened to 30 seconds if you're lucky. Always, ALWAYS check. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Need to bring this back to the top to nominate Hibs Fan for his opening post in his fantastic Chronicles of the Banter Years thread - one of the finest works ever created on this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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