C**** on Holiday

[MONKMAN]

Plenty on here want a return to the old days where only the middle classes could afford foreign travel and they could enjoy the exclusivity of a holiday abroad without having to rub shoulders with the oiks it seems.

It's very easy to price out the peasants, when going on holiday.

[Karpaty]

On 11/07/2017 at 14:15, buchan30 said:

Been reading through, turns out i'm a c**t. Who knew? (Well, my wife does) i always wear football tops on holiday, just something i feel more comfortable in, i'm not making a statement (hardly likely to with a raith rovers top on)

I was also in tenerife in april and sparked up a conversation with a guy that had a st mirren tatoo.

St.Mirren fairly get about. Last year when I was in Kyiv I seen two different guys on the same day with different St.Mirren training tops, one outside a pub and another on the metro. Both local Ukrainians.

[WILLIEA]

11 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

It's too Hot,  too far away, too noisy, too bright, the pubs aren't the same, the beer's pish and I don't like Americans, apart from that...

Cheers! So Airdrie it is then , with day trips to Shotts and Forth, perhaps a spot of lunch in Bonkle?

 

[ClydeSI]

 
This - not just a holiday phenomenon - but often Scottish fans on an away trips in Europe or with the national team.
Irritates me when the "consensus" is to gravitate to an Irish bar for pre-match rendezvous..............especially in cities like Berlin (Hertha v AFC trip 2002) - the Irish bar is still fondly remembered, albeit for 'other reasons', when in reality it was a characterless place in a shopping mall in a city full of cracking bars selling quality German bier.

I ended up in what sort new like this bar in he small hours once. Big barn of a place?

Had a Beatles cover band banging out the fab four hits in German. Was actually quite a laugh for the hour or so I was there.

[Gordopolis]

On 11/07/2017 at 08:45, Waspy said:

C***s who jump up and grab their duty free and carry on luggage as soon as their arse hits ground.

 

On an easyJet or Ryanair flight with no hold luggage I can maybe understand, but your typical holiday flight to Spain not so.

 

More of a c***s on a plane thing.

 

Starring Samuel L Jackson

[Mr Gandosaur]

I was flying back from Kuala Lumpur and some dick spent the whole flight complaining that he should be moved to first class as his seat was uncomfortable and he had back problems. He seemed bemused when the air stewardess told him he should have paid for one in the first place. When they were fumigating the aircraft on landing in London he started this exaggerating coughing and spluttering and claimed the air hostess was trying to kill him.

[Mr Gandosaur]

Also, apologies if already been mentioned in here - but Americans who ask where you are from then also claim to be Scottish because their great great uncle once had a tin of irn bru is annoying as f**k.

[gannonball]

Paid for "free booze" in BCM many moons ago and it was one drink per order so spent all my time in the place ordering a drink and drinking it at another bar waiting to be served for another. Complete joke.

Same when I was about 21 ,got tanked up before I went in. Drank all I could when I was in there and came out sober. Think I was being served juice all night. First and last time I went on a typical lads holiday,didn't think I would like it. I was correct.

[Sergeant Wilson]

1 hour ago, WILLIEA said:

Cheers! So Airdrie it is then , with day trips to Shotts and Forth, perhaps a spot of lunch in Bonkle?

 

Don't forget Breich.

[Devits]

Was in Ibiza 2 years ago in the queue for a drink at the hotel bar, morning after a heavy night and I'm wearing my Arbroath top. Boy walks up to me and goes "You're looking rough you smokie c**t". Turns out he was an Elgin fan. "Small world eh!!!" Aye f**k off

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

4 hours ago, Karpaty said:

St.Mirren fairly get about. Last year when I was in Kyiv I seen two different guys on the same day with different St.Mirren training tops, one outside a pub and another on the metro. Both local Ukrainians.

Some of their recent shirts have been rank, maybe it was cheap special forces arctic attire.

[Newbornbairn]

2 hours ago, Mr Gandosaur said:

Also, apologies if already been mentioned in here - but Americans who ask where you are from then also claim to be Scottish because their great great uncle once had a tin of irn bru is annoying as f**k.

Visited the US years ago. Every fucking time I had to show ID I got the whole Braveheart thing cos my name's Wallace. One hotel receptionist wanted a photo with me after I said William Wallace was my great grandad. 

[John Lambies Doos]

Just as you mention Rangers pubs, I had dealings with one such arsehole. I remember about 12 years ago, I went on my first holiday with my partner, her daughter and her daughter's wee friend who were both about 14 at the time. We went to Amadores in Gran Canaria.
We were on the coach taking us to the hotel and there were a family of 4 who had come off our flight and onto the same bus. Guy, his wife and two girls of around 11 and 7. I recall him saying to one of his daughters 'don't eat all they fuckin' sweeties' pretty loudly on the crowded coach and I turned to my partner and just looked at her, She said, 'you just know they're going to get off at our stop'.
Sure enough, they did. It was late on at night and was only ourselves and the other family who checked in to our hotel.Big John introduced himself as we were waiting for our passports back at reception...'Awrite big man, a'hm John fae Airdrie, this is ma wife Wendy, the weans are Wendy and Katie.....they're no fuckin' mine tho!' A beautiful and memorable introduction from a wordsmith. Thankfully the reception gave us an apartment miles away from John and his Wendys.
The next morning I was down by the pool and there stoats by John, stopping and offering me the chance of having pint which I declined (am I f**k, I'm here for two weeks and so are they...a pint could turn into me getting lumped with this big halfwit for the full holiday) Wendy offers my partner to have a wine and thankfully she's on the same page...as they depart we just look at each other and say almost in unison 'aye....that's no happening'. A few hours later, after he sees me coming back from a walk into the town big John tries again....this time assuring me that there's a cracking Rangers pub in the town (which I had noticed and laughed at) and it shows highlights of all the European games and get a sing song and that if I fancy going down for a few hours. He sees how fucked off I am at this suggestion and goes 'oh, f**k sake...ye wan of them big man?' I tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm a St. Mirren supporter and am not into any of that fucking shite and don't appreciate the sentiment that if I'm no one I'm the other. His response was 'aye but you're on holiday, nobody's going to care, c'mon get a sing-song'.....I burst out laughing at him, telling him that it's never going to happen and don't ask again.
By this point it's after 2pm, he's been stoating about the crowded poolside all day, shouting at his no weans, drinking San Miguel in 35 degree heat with no top and seemingly no suncream on. 'Aye, anyway...there's a game of water polo on....ye going in the pool?'...I pass it up and decide to watch...he's throwing his considerable beef about and generally barging his way through a bunch of weans and smattering of adults, throwing folk away, dunking them, doing the whole 'I'm bigger than you' thing. I notice though that he's almost glowing purple and he hasn't realised this. You know that way when you're really, really sunburnt but it hasn't registered yet and you just know you're in for a fucking horrendous night sleeping on those horrible starchy sheets. I know he's going to be suffering tomorrow.
Next day at pool, here comes daft John. Shaking like a shiteing dug.'a-a-awrite, b-b-b-big man. A think a g-goat a bit m-m-much sun yesterday', I'm visibly laughing like f**k right at him 'Aye, John...looks like it', the day passes with him sitting in the shade of a parasol, nursing a few beers and generally shivering. Half 2 comes around ...water polo. So up I get, says to partner 'keep an eye out here'. Over I stoat to John....'Right John you doing the water polo today?', he thinks about it, 'Naw, I don't feel up to it b-big man'...'c'mon, the water will cool the sunburn off, it's good for you'. Wendy urges him to take part and he decides to go for it, tap aff, straight in the pool. I make sure I'm on the other team from him and as soon as the game starts, I'm marking him, climbing up on his shoulders, pushing him away. Generally doing anything I can to make it uncomfortable for him. Can see white hand prints settling on his radioactive skin any time I make any sort of physical contact with him. And he's screaming like a b*****d while I do so. He was daft enough to stick it out for a full 4 or 5 minutes before he clambered out, think it was after someone else in the pool went for a shot and he blocked it with his chest and it made that sort of hollow 'shunk' noise that a Mitre mouldmaster makes when it rattles off your thigh and he screamed rather loudly. After the game, I go over to my missus who was laughing like f**k whilst calling me a rotten b*****d....'where's that dafty?', I asked. He apparently went straight up to his room and he never surfaced for the next two days, when he finally came back down looking like he had leprosy and barely spoke to me the rest of the fortnight.

We've all met a c**t called Big John on hols before

[John Lambies Doos]

Is it you?

 

Wrong name, wrong team... but I'm certainly quite big.

Cue the Kenneth Williams Gifs

 

[Alert Mongoose]

If any part of your holiday involves any form of queue then you are doing it wrong.

[Gordopolis]

23 hours ago, Sweet Pete said:

While you're eating yoghurt, I'm chucking it.

 

Or maybe that'll be the holiday you and@ICTChristake together, next year?

[Torpar]

Since I’m in the middle of applying for permanent residency in Canada, I can’t really leave the country so decided this year to have “Stay-cation” (Mods please etc…) My parents came over and we need a lot of touristy stuff including a trip to Niagara Falls. I used to think the football top on holiday was a British thing, but it appeared every second fat Yank had a t-shirt on showing his favourite college or NFL team.

My last proper holiday was in Manzanillo, Mexico. The resort was probably 95% Mexican families visiting from Jalisco, the state to the north of where we were. I was absolutely fine with this. The worst people were the Canadians who complained that everyone spoke Spanish, the entertainment was in Spanish and the food was mostly Mexican food.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Apparently some package holiday resorts have stopped taking bookings from British people due to the fake claims.  Can't blame them, what a load of chancing c***s.

Anyone remember the Cyprus abduction story?  A load of tourists claimed a waiter tried to abduct their kid and set about leathering him.  turned out to be a load of pish.

 

 

I'd forgotten about that. It was in the Courier online IIRC. Thread was full of "veteran" Walter Mittys fantasising about what they'd do in the same situation.

 

Eta: Wasn't there a thread on P&B about it?

 

[DeeTillEhDeh]

Been in holiday this week in Crete - the resort we are in is mainly French and German tourists - have not heard a single English voice since we arrived - fucking bliss.

 

I have enjoyed:

 

Not having kids running riot around the pool whilst their parents get pissed.

 

Not having adults shitting (that logging nonsense) in the pool as happened on our holiday to Cake Verde when Thomson decided to decant the London chavs there who had their Tunisian holidays cancelled

 

Having entertainment that isn't bingo, karaoke or some shite Xfactor-style act.

 

Having food that isn't the full English and chips with everything.

 

Not hearing the complaints that they make when they have to pay for something even though it was on the website.

 

The queues for the bar at 10.55 when they order about 4 drinks each because the AI finishes at 11 pm.

 

The fights - usually Scousers - because someone looked at them the wrong way.

 

 

 

 

[senorsoupe]

6 hours ago, John Lambies Doos said:

 

 

We've all met a c**t called Big John on hols before

 

 

Actually the only person named Big John I have met on Holiday was actually a nice guy.  He was indeed Scottish and was travelling with a few mates, one of which was also named John but was a smaller bloke.  They were all pretty decent.