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Things That Make You Cry With Laughter (The night we lubed the Cathouse)


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Another football related one springs to mind. PE at secondary playing on the blaze pitch in winter. The ball is going out for a throw in but one of the boys decides he's keeping it in. Not sure why but off he goes at full speed and sure as fate he gets there and stops the ball on the line. Unfortunately for him he can't stop and his foot hits the sodden grass and he slips. There was a fence round the pitch with a metal pole at an angle into the ground. At full pelt he clatters into it one leg either side. We are in hysterics thinking he'd "poled" himself and was crying because his baws hurt. Turns out when his foot slipped he broke his ankle prior to poling himself. It still brings a grimace and a laugh to me when I think about it.

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Gerry Follon, the ex-Dundee player, was our assistant headmaster and took a group of sixth-year boys off to Kinnoull Monastery for a week's retreat.

The Monastery had beautiful lawns, well-tended by one of the brothers who obviously took great (sinful) pride in their condition. 

So, you have a beautiful spring day, a group of 17- and 18-year-old schoolboys, smooth green lawns ... and an ex-footballer.  What happens next?

When the brother came back from matins (or whatever the hell they do all morning) and saw the state of the grass, he was actually in tears, running around flapping his arms and shouting 'my grass, my grass'.  Gerry Follon stood there shuffling the ball about behind his back, trying to pass it to one of us but his muddy shoes were a dead give-away.  For a man in his late-50s, he did a very good impression of that sheepish kid from the finger of fudge advert.

Aye, you had to be there.

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Mate of mine is a teacher. Few years ago we're out on the batter and heads to some club so we can keep drinking and maybe pull. He does and takes some burd up the road. Gives her all the I'll phone you and we can meet patter to get shot of her the next morning. In his mind job done onto next week. Imagine his face when at parents night a few weeks later in she walks to find out how her daughter is doing at school. When he was telling us I literally fell of my seat.

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16 minutes ago, BigBo10 said:

Mate of mine is a teacher. Few years ago we're out on the batter and heads to some club so we can keep drinking and maybe pull. He does and takes some burd up the road. Gives her all the I'll phone you and we can meet patter to get shot of her the next morning. In his mind job done onto next week. Imagine his face when at parents night a few weeks later in she walks to find out how her daughter is doing at school. When he was telling us I literally fell of my seat.

 

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Back in my student days (and I used the word "student" very fucking loosely), my and a couple of my pals Andy and Craig would often skive lectures and play pool at a nearby, fairly nefarious establishment called the 2nd Base. It was upstairs in some run-down, dodgy tenement, just across from the equally dodgy and run-down Forum Centre in Dundee's City Centre, and run by a dodgy guy called Sandy who dressed like he'd been teleported straight out of a 1970s disco.

We generally played winner stays on and would spend hours in there (it was 10p a game), challenger racked up, and winner broke. I had put together a run of 4 or 5 straight wins, but was struggling to pot off the break, so after beating Andy, and waiting for Craig to rack them up, I decided to try a heavy top-spin break, and hit it with a fair bit of power. I struck the ball perfectly, if perhaps a little more down on it than i should have, and probably a bit harder than I'd meant to. This resulted in the white taking a slight bounce on it's way at what seemed light speed, to the lead ball in the pack which it struck just above the equator. The white almost seemed to gather pace as it rocketed off the table and hit Craig squarely in the bollocks. He folded, silently, like a fucking deckchair and crumpled to the floor (still holding the plastic triangle), whilst Andy and I dissolved into tears of laughter. 

None of the three of us could speak for about ten minutes, for varying reasons. 

Surprisingly, once we played the game, he won. Unsurprisingly I went on to spectacularly fail my course :lol:

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