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Things That Make You Cry With Laughter (The night we lubed the Cathouse)


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We all have them. At the time you have tears streaming down your face and over the years the memory fades, but out of the blue it comes back and takes you back to that exact moment and no matter what you are doing your face lights up and you can't contain it. I have a few, but my favourite by a country mile has to be the time we lubed up the Cathouse. 

Now, I should add this was many moons ago. It was dangerous, silly, a cunty thing to do and I regret not one bit of it. 

We went out on the piss as you do and we headed into a gay bar. I can't remember why, I think one of our pals was meeting his pal who was already in there, but it was brilliant. No arseholes wanting a scrap, just drunk people being happy. Until that point I didn't see the point in going to a gay bar, because I'm not gay, but the atmosphere in this particular pub made me go to a few more. Anyway, one of us went to the toilet and came back very excited. Why? Because there's mountains of lube and johnny bags. Straight away we all went in and loaded our pockets. Not that we had a mad bum orgy planned, but you figure it's good to have these things because you never know when you might need a boaby hat or a slippy sachet. Little did we know that we would need every single packet of lube that we could muster. 

We headed off to the Cathouse to attempt to get our metal on, but alas it is the Cathouse after all, so we were lumbered with pishy emo and the odd Pantera song. Still, drink was cheap and spirits were high. Suddenly Beating Heart Baby comes on and you know it's time to boogie. Anyway, the song finished and the emo returned. My friend and I shared a look and slowly opened a pack of lube and dollopped it down on the dance floor. We sensed an opportunity. We danced our way through the dancefloor, joyfully smiling to the shitey music as we circled some groups and the edge of the dancefloor. We returned to our friends and told them they might want to pay attention. At this point one green highlighted gentleman sprints drink in hand, hand in air onto the dancefloor as one of Fall Out Boy's finest comes on. He eagerly rushes to his friends so they can Dance Dance, but he vanished. Then it continued. Body after body falling seemingly through a collapsing floor, worried friends trying to help their pals to their feet, but they would go down. It was a sea of plastic cups flying through the air and it wouldn't end, as for every person going down someone else would try to help and inadvertently make things worse by spreading the lube about further. People were still rushing to get their moves on and it was seemingly never ending. 

We stood at the back of the club crying with laughter as the dancefloor shared curious glances and the rest of the onlookers laughed assuming it was a tsunami effect of a drunken fool. More people joined as the cycle of music continued, as did the falling bodies.

I can't remember laughing as much as I did that night. Yes, it was a dick move and people could have gotten hurt, but until you have witnessed something like it you won't understand. That was the night we lubed the Cathouse. Share your own stories. 

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A few years ago I was at a club called the Cathouse or somesuch. It was a good place, good atmosphere, mixed crowd, everybody having a good time. There was a group of weans in the corner giggling, they looked underage and were probably pissed on shandy or WKD or somesuch. Anyway, I was on the way to the bar, crossing the dancefloor when my foot slipped a bit. No drama, just a wee slip. For some reason this bunch of weans thought it was hilarious. Never gave it another thought until the OP reminded me for some reason.

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10 hours ago, Toma_BullyWee said:

We all have them. At the time you have tears streaming down your face and over the years the memory fades, but out of the blue it comes back and takes you back to that exact moment and no matter what you are doing your face lights up and you can't contain it. I have a few, but my favourite by a country mile has to be the time we lubed up the Cathouse. 

Now, I should add this was many moons ago. It was dangerous, silly, a cunty thing to do and I regret not one bit of it. 

We went out on the piss as you do and we headed into a gay bar. I can't remember why, I think one of our pals was meeting his pal who was already in there, but it was brilliant. No arseholes wanting a scrap, just drunk people being happy. Until that point I didn't see the point in going to a gay bar, because I'm not gay, but the atmosphere in this particular pub made me go to a few more. Anyway, one of us went to the toilet and came back very excited. Why? Because there's mountains of lube and johnny bags. Straight away we all went in and loaded our pockets. Not that we had a mad bum orgy planned, but you figure it's good to have these things because you never know when you might need a boaby hat or a slippy sachet. Little did we know that we would need every single packet of lube that we could muster. 

We headed off to the Cathouse to attempt to get our metal on, but alas it is the Cathouse after all, so we were lumbered with pishy emo and the odd Pantera song. Still, drink was cheap and spirits were high. Suddenly Beating Heart Baby comes on and you know it's time to boogie. Anyway, the song finished and the emo returned. My friend and I shared a look and slowly opened a pack of lube and dollopped it down on the dance floor. We sensed an opportunity. We danced our way through the dancefloor, joyfully smiling to the shitey music as we circled some groups and the edge of the dancefloor. We returned to our friends and told them they might want to pay attention. At this point one green highlighted gentleman sprints drink in hand, hand in air onto the dancefloor as one of Fall Out Boy's finest comes on. He eagerly rushes to his friends so they can Dance Dance, but he vanished. Then it continued. Body after body falling seemingly through a collapsing floor, worried friends trying to help their pals to their feet, but they would go down. It was a sea of plastic cups flying through the air and it wouldn't end, as for every person going down someone else would try to help and inadvertently make things worse by spreading the lube about further. People were still rushing to get their moves on and it was seemingly never ending. 

We stood at the back of the club crying with laughter as the dancefloor shared curious glances and the rest of the onlookers laughed assuming it was a tsunami effect of a drunken fool. More people joined as the cycle of music continued, as did the falling bodies.

I can't remember laughing as much as I did that night. Yes, it was a dick move and people could have gotten hurt, but until you have witnessed something like it you won't understand. That was the night we lubed the Cathouse. Share your own stories. 

Have you come out yet?

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About 15 years ago, rather the worse for wear, we decided to take a carryout to Kelvingrove Park (not quite sure how we got away with it - maybe it was okay in those days). We climbed over a wee fence and plonked ourselves by the river. It had been raining quite a bit so the river was quite high. 

My mate was standing beside the river when suddenly the ground beneath him literally gave way and he fell into the river. Obviously, this was the most hilarious we'd ever seen and we couldn't do anything for laughing so much. It took several moments before we realised our mate was desperately clinging onto mounds of dirt to stop getting swept away by the current. 

Eventually we fished him out. A bit later, a couple of parkies came along and asked us not to sit beside the river as it would encourage kids to do the same and it was dangerous. We could hardly disagree. 

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A few years back I shared a flat with a couple of mates. The car park was private and had a barrier that would lift up to let cars in and out. Returning drunk from the pub, one of my mates decided he was going to try and hurdle the barrier. He took a run at it, half shat out and decided he would use one hand on the barrier to help himself over. The barrier gave way under his weight and went straight to the ground, my mate followed it face first. We were absolutely gutting ourselves for a good few minutes before we realised he wasn't moving. Daft p***k had knocked himself out. Ended up with a concussion, half his face practically scraped off and a couple of teeth missing.

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12 hours ago, NewBornBairn said:

A few years ago I was at a club called the Cathouse or somesuch. It was a good place, good atmosphere, mixed crowd, everybody having a good time. There was a group of weans in the corner giggling, they looked underage and were probably pissed on shandy or WKD or somesuch. Anyway, I was on the way to the bar, crossing the dancefloor when my foot slipped a bit. No drama, just a wee slip. For some reason this bunch of weans thought it was hilarious. Never gave it another thought until the OP reminded me for some reason.

And then you slaughtered a cow with a sledge hammer. 

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Someone was telling me a completely nothing story about how one of his workmates thought the famous yellow cartoon character was called 'Spongebob Sidepants' and I fucking lost it for about 10 minutes. Uncontrollable hysterics for some unknown reason.

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5 minutes ago, Dee Man said:

Someone was telling me a completely nothing story about how one of his workmates thought the famous yellow cartoon character was called 'Spongebob Sidepants' and I fucking lost it for about 10 minutes. Uncontrollable hysterics for some unknown reason.

That's what comes of living life upside down.  It's not natural.

 

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I was chatting to my pal and may daughter when out of the blue I fell down an open trapdoor into a basement. Wasn't so funny for me but once I realised I was still alive (although a bit battered, bruised and bloody) the pair of fuckers we're purple and almost choking to death laughing at me.  

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Five a sides at Kirkland High in the 80's, somebody blootered the ball and it belted off the back of the PE teacher Mike Marshall's head (he was East Fife physio at the time I think) sending him flying. Entire sports hall fell silent. Except for me, pissing myself laughing.

 

Four of the tawse for laughing FFS.

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49 minutes ago, Shandon Par said:

I was chatting to my pal and may daughter when out of the blue I fell down an open trapdoor into a basement. Wasn't so funny for me but once I realised I was still alive (although a bit battered, bruised and bloody) the pair of fuckers we're purple and almost choking to death laughing at me.  

You were lucky. My great-great-grandfather fell through a trapdoor, broke his neck and died.

 

 

Mind you, they were hanging him at the time.

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1 minute ago, sugna said:

You were lucky. My great-great-grandfather fell through a trapdoor, broke his neck and died.

 

 

Mind you, they were hanging him at the time.

My old man fell down a trapdoor too and knackered his knee. My granddad was a drummer at silent movies and fell backwards off the stage, engrossed in the film. Must be genetic. 

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7 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

After pissing ourselves laughing, pulling over and standing looking at said Metro, he eventually crawled out the side window.

I'm not sure what is funny about this. I remember being in the car behind my friend just days after I had passed my driving test and he smashed it into an oncoming car and it was anything but funny. 

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