What is the most disgusting thing you have ever done?

[The Chlamydia Kid]

A few years ago I was playing about in the glorious world of tinder. Hit it off with a sweet wee lass and met her for the classic first date of 'a couple of drinks'. Things went well, went back to hers and rifled her. Happy days.

I'm keen to see the girl again, so suggested she came round to mine and I'd cook her tea. She says yes and loves it, we have a bottle of wine and everything seems like a seamless transition from date to date. I suggest we go through to my room, she is more than happy to oblige. Woohoo, getting my hole again! After pumping her she decides she's going to 'clean up', if you know what I mean, which is just great. All set to erupt again. Going, going, going, gone!

Hang on, she's reacted weirdly. Maybe she doesn't like a gob full of spunk? Turns out I hadn't realised my wee soldiers, but instead had emptied my bladder. I had just pissed into the poor girl's mouth.

We didn't have a third date.

Lucky you never ended up on the register!

[Hillonearth]

4 hours ago, smpar said:

Were you nicknamed 'Transfusion'? 

I tried to B positive about the situation.

[WeAreElgin]

Back when I was living with my old man I used to go out on the piss with him at least once a week, typically midweek. He's essentially a borderline alcoholic so I struggled to keep up with him at times and often found myself in a mess the next morning.

One particular morning was far worse. The usual dry mouth was fine and pounding headache was fine but I was slightly alarmed when I found my bedsheets glued to my arse. It took a good 5 minutes of stirring before I eventually looked down to find chunky boxer biscuits on my bedsheets. To make a bad situation worse, there was a mound of korma-esque shite sitting in the corner of the room. The smell coming from my room for about three days afterwards was absolutely honking, and the lovely cream carpet was never the same again.

He sold the house not long after that.

[eddiemunster]

I've top-deckered a couple of toilets in my day. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

[KnightswoodBear]

22 hours ago, Bert Raccoon said:

I once went to an Ash gig at The Barras about 15 years ago, after the gig I was desperate for a shite so I went down the old Paddy's Market and emptied my bowels. The worst thing about it was I obviously had no toilet roll so had to improvise, thankfully there was a discarded duvet at the scene of the crime, the bad thing was after I had defecated and wiped my arse I realised that I'd shat on a homeless person's sleeping area and also used their blanket to wipe my arse.

 

Not good.

It's a fair bet I was at that gig.

I did not witness you violating a tramps bed.

[Bert Raccoon]

1 minute ago, KnightswoodBear said:

It's a fair bet I was at that gig.

I did not witness you violating a tramps bed.

Unfortunate as you seem like a gentleman that may carry a packet of hankies.

[KnightswoodBear]

Just now, Bert Raccoon said:

Unfortunate as you seem like a gentleman that may carry a packet of hankies.

Always have a spare pair of boxers and a roll of Andrex on my person in case of emergencies. 

[Bert Raccoon]

8 minutes ago, KnightswoodBear said:

Always have a spare pair of boxers and a roll of Andrex on my person in case of emergencies. 

I've took to wearing two pairs of socks, just in case.

[D.A.F.C]

Not me but someone else.

Last time I was in the Lake District at the top of a hill there was two lassies, they were sitting about but something was up one didn't move and the other kinda shifted about at the front. I thought maybe they were hurt or needed help so hurried up a bit. Got closer and they stood up and left sharpish, went past me and didn't respond to me asking if they were ok.

Left a massive fucking toley at the top of Cat Bells ffs. It's like the busiest hill in the U.K.!

I burst out laughing then noticed a posh family going over and then heard "mummy mummy ewww"

 

[Hillonearth]

One of the worst ones I ever heard of - should stress I didn't participate in this one - is a guy nobody really liked when we were at school who let slip he had an empty and in true Kevin Bridges-esque fashion "got" a party.

A good half dozen punters took it in turns to shite in his parents' bed and, the deed done, carefully remade it to ensure maximum chaos when his folks came back the next day.

[mizfit]

clogging my pals toilet when his folks were away on holiday, it was almost overflowing, and rather than taking 10 minutes to sort it out, I decided I wanted to go back to the party putting the lid down and leaving the room for someone else to deal with or accept the blame for it was the best solution I could come up with.

[kaisayr]

Pretty vanilla compared to most of these but always gets a chuckle. I remember getting home smashed one night when I still lived at home. I tip toed through to the kitchen and decided I fancied some toast. Toast ready and into the fridge I go to see what to put on it. No cheese, no jam, no nothing... But wait what is this I spy on the top shelf? Hmm, a jar of mint sauce eh? That'll be delicious! I had two slices! Wolfed the lot and got back out my scratcher and made more. I tried it sober a few days later out if curiosity and it was absolutely foul.

[Dominique Malonga]

I was sitting in the living room at a house party a few years ago. The term "house" is probably stretching it, it looked more like a crack den if truth be told. The floor in the living room was just a roll of blue tarpaulin

It was in the early hours of the morning and despite there being a good 20 odd people in the house the living room was sparsely populated so I decided to take refuge in there for five minutes or so to get a break as the kitchen and bedrooms where jam packed and it had got to that point where I couldn't really be arsed anymore and was thinking about calling it a night.

Upon entering I saw two people on one couch engrossed in conversation and another two in the corner on plastic chairs also spraffing to each other leaving the three seater empty, the only draw back is there's a speaker playing techno music so loud I can barely here myself think. I decided to sit down on the empty couch anyway and have a fag before making the short walk up the road. Everything's going well until the cigarette gets halfway down and I find myself on the back foot big time. I manage to stub the rest of it out and I'm now fighting the urge to be sick but it was a battle that was never going to be won.

I thought it had subsided and I sat back and breathed a sigh of relief only to be sick all over the seat of the couch and the arm chair. I managed to compose myself almost immediately and looked up to see the damage and not one single person has noticed anything. They're still deep in conversation and the sound of the music has obviously masked the sound of me actually being sick. My instincts just kicked in and the inner tink in me came racing to the surface. I manage to wipe the considerable amount of sick that's on the seat next me down the inner side of the couch with my hands. Again I looked up and still no one had cottoned on. I'm in the clear.

The boy that owned the house pops his head in the door and asks for a lighter. I go into my pocket and get mine but to my horror I notice that the cushion next to me has sick all over the bottom half of it, presumably from when I was shovelling the sick down the side of the couch with my bare hands. I throw the boy my lighter and plan my next move.

I don't know why I did it, I was only 15 or so tbf, but I then stuck the cushion up my jacket. I stood up, fiddled with my jacket for a bit and made the conscious decision to keep my hands in my pockets at all times as they would have been a dead give away. I went through the hall, quickly said my goodbyes to the house owner,then got the f**k out of there. I disposed of the cushion in some nearby bushes on my short walk home, letting out a chuckle at the sheer audacity of it all.

I don't know what's the bigger miracle - either the fact that I had gotten away with it or that I'm not a serial killer by now.

[Hammer Jag]

I'd just started getting into pubs as a sixteen year old and after a night on the Snakebite, I came home and spewed all over my room. Bed, floor and brand new Levi's covered in stinking, purple vomit. 

I attempted to clean up the piles of puke the next day, with a scarf tied around my face to block out the rancid smell. It didn't work and I only added to the pile of spew as well as ruining the scarf.

Another time, I woke up on my mates couch after a mad one. I immediately became aware of a horrible smell. I walked into the hallway to be met with a trail of orange, cheesy vomit leading towards the bathroom. There was also sick splattered all over his bathroom door for good measure. Neither of us were able to recall what happened and he took the rap for it.

[MEADOWXI]

Work on a Friday morning after a heavy night out on a Thursday. Doing house visits for the Benefits Agency Social Fund, and it was the sort of visits you went in pairs.

Fortunately was only 2nd person for safety and not asking questions. Feeling like death was made worse by the first visit being a house with overflowing cat litter trays that induced dry retching at every breathe. I survived and the drive to the 2nd visit started. Half way from Logie to Mastrick I advise the driver I needed him to stop the car. He asked why, 'I can vomit in the street or your car, you choose'.

Car was stopped and I proceeded to spew a morning after all liquid vomit all over the pavement outside someones front gate.

And on to the next visit. Sat in the living room feeling slightly better as my colleague asked various questions about an application it became apparent to me the friendliness of the household dog to me was that it was not that it a nice little friendly dog, but that it was licking the spew-splatter from my shoes.

I did not let on the householders.

[Stellaboz]

Got a lift home from the town one night sitting middle back seat of a 3door. Suddenly needed to spew half way home, still had a bucket hat I'd worn to the football that day, used that instead of it going on the car or someone else.

Also had to wipe my arse post Shite in a club with my own sock as there was no paper. Used the other sock in a works Porta cabin later that night on the way home.

Also used to drink pints of dregs and sauce etc for money in my stupid days.

[DA Baracus]

I was staying at friend's house after a heavy night's drinking. Just along from his house I decided to pish all over someone's car. For some reason I thought it would be amusing to pish all over the door handle. Unfortunately I was caught, mid flow, by the owner of the car. He was all for giving for a kicking (rightfully), but it turned out he was my friend's uncle. My friend managed to talk him out of giving the hiding I deserved. I was very apologetic and starting wiping my pish from the car using the sleeves of my top.

As I hadn't brought a change of clothes with me, I had to get the bus home in the morning with pishy reeking sleeves.

I should add that I was 17 when this happened and that it was a total dick move on my part to pish on someone's car.

[DA Baracus]

16 minutes ago, Stellaboz said:

Got a lift home from the town one night sitting middle back seat of a 3door. Suddenly needed to spew half way home, still had a bucket hat I'd worn to the football that day, used that instead of it going on the car or someone else.

Also had to wipe my arse post Shite in a club with my own sock as there was no paper. Used the other sock in a works Porta cabin later that night on the way home.

Also used to drink pints of dregs and sauce etc for money in my stupid days.
 

And tell us, how did you dispose of said sock?

Those pints you used to drink were foul. I nearly boaked on more than one occasion watching you. Didn't stop me chipping in a quid every time mind.

[Stellaboz]

I can't remember.

You pubed someone's pint in Inverness and dipped your penis in one too you manky hoor! [emoji1]

[DA Baracus]

You know fine well how you got rid of the sock because you told me.

Ah cock pinting. How vulgar. Forgot I used to do that shit. Filthy behaviour.