BFTD Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Into a homeless persons change box on Princes Street. No way that's getting incorporated into the jakey's cider story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Rogic Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Not sure if it was true or not but there was a story doing the rounds back in the 80's about a strikebreaker at Bilston Glen colliery. Word was that when he poured his cup of tea from his flask, a big shite dropped into his cup. Hope it was John Martin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Mate of mine was having a shite on the bog when his bird - an Italian brunette wid - tried to gie him a blow job. He told her to bolt, seemingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 All you need to do is make a birdsnest. It's not like your paying for the toilet roll. And it was a great way to skive at college. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Not sure if it was true or not but there was a story doing the rounds back in the 80's about a strikebreaker at Bilston Glen colliery. Word was that when he poured his cup of tea from his flask, a big shite dropped into his cup. A guy told me somebody wanked into some guys piece, and they watched while he ate it, oblivious. I was also telt that Andy Goram pished in Paul Kane's coke while he was away for a slash, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sureiknow Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Not in public. After staying in a Guest House and owner pissed me off, bear in mind I was 18. I shit in a shoe box and posted it to him. I can only assume he got it. Needless to say I didn't include a return of address on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Plumkin. Indeed, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 AKA - Blumpy. Yup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 If you're St Johnstone's coach make sure the Chairman doesn't suddenly drop in for a chat while you're doing your party piece. If you're an ex Rangers midfielder at Dundee and your fedora wearing boss once played for Sheffield Wednesday and Aston Villa then public defecation into his shoe is acceptable though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Three recent efforts spring to mind: Blair Atholl's public toilets. These fuckers are coin operated automatic affairs, spotless in the winter, not so much in summer when there's increased tourist trade. I almost always have to shite there on my way to hill trips up north. Last July was one such occasion, I didn't have any change except pound coins so had to pay 80p over the odds only to discover the previous "customer" had somehow manage to drape a massive richard halfway over the rim of the toilet seat and fucking left it. I wasn't keen on trying to coax the thing back into the bowl so shelled out another £1 to weigh anchor in the neighbouring toilet instead. Not amused. Forestry Commission Toilets at Loch Faskally. I stopped there for a shit and future humiliation 3 months ago. Most of these places leave the disabled bog open out of hours which is an absolute lifesaver at times. I dived in there on my way up to Laggan, shat a lung and feeling fairly satisfied but still a bit iffy, went on my way. Headed up a mountain called Geal Charn in the Monadhliath, and to my own amusement, very loudly farted almost ceaselessly up and down the thing. Got to the nearest bunkhouse and was unloading my gear and thought "f**k that smells a bit ripe". It seemed I had sharted at some point on the hill. This resulted in the offending underwear being binned and the most thorough shower in my long years of life. And finally on a hill called Sgurr a'Bhuic in 2014. I'd been doing a charity attempt at climbing the ten highest munros over a weekend, on the last day, after two days of basically living on caffeine and cereal bars, I made the twin mistakes of firstly eating a shop-bought pre-packed cheese and onion piece, then having a fag afterwards. I got to about 850m up Aonach Beag when I let off a ripper of a fart which change tone at least twice and heralded some painful stomach cramps. I immediately found a convenient rock to perch my arse over and dropped four fucking massive bum cigars. The relief was incredible, until i realised I had no toilet paper, in fact nothing other than a handful of sparsely growing moss, and the outer socks under my hillwalking boots, which my fiancee's mum had given me for xmas. To top it off, I looked round to admire my handywork to see that I'd pretty much covered over some sort of animal burrow. Oops. Those socks will still be there if anyone fancies a pair of Large 100 Milers. Mind and wash them first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itzdrk Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 [quote name="tamthebam" post="10389815" timestamp="1461623168" If you're an ex Rangers midfielder at Dundee and your fedora wearing boss once played for Sheffield Wednesday and Aston Villa then public defecation into his shoe is acceptable though... You can even take his old job(ie) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I like to jobby at house of bruar when on a trip up north - if I don't go there the ones in speam bridge or dalwinnie are far more rapey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Jupe really knows how to paint a tale of jobby derring do. The man is a hero of our time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 In public suggests some sort of performance art piece - I have been forced into the odd al fresco jobby though. I was working down in Hastings years ago, and had been up to London for the night one Tuesday or Wednesday. Came back steaming on the last train and was starving by the time I got back. All that was open was a wee sit-in Indian restaurant in the old town, where I noticed they had phal on the menu. The thing was like eating nuclear waste with boiled rice - I think they decided to have a laugh with the drunk Scottish guy who wanted the hottest thing on the menu, but I finished it on a point of principle. Where I lived was about 25 minutes walk up the hill, and by halfway up I could feel my body starting to reject what I'd just eaten like it was a dodgy kidney transplant. Ten minutes from home I was squatting in a wee bit of woodland with tears streaming down my face. There used to be a punk band from out Wishaw way called the Bad Men who did a song called "You're Not A Real Man (Til You've Done A Jobby Outside). I became a real man that night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grim O'Grady Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Unlock the shitting stories thread was the thread I was on about. I might as well regurgitate it here. A couple of year back, I got the 16 bus as per on my way hame from the post match drinks & got off at Javitts, ordered a pizza for me then went over to the Good Choice for a starter box for the missus. Whilst waiting for the suppers I started to feel the stomach grumbling "shit time, shit time", it seemed to take forever for the food to come. Anyway I'm counting backwards from 1000 trying to take away the shit urge as I walk/skip to the house. I finally get to within sight of the house touching cloth & I can see the side of the house & the bathroom light is on, shitting Christ someone is in the toilet. Now do I run up the stairs, dump the suppers & scream "I need the toilet" hoping the recipient will evacuate for me? Beads of sweat on my temples, nah I drop the suppers on the doorstep & I'm legging it into the backgarden whilst undoing my jeans. Crouched down in the moonlight & do a steamer on the grass. No paper so I hitch up me undies & jeans to not quite the usual height & saunters up to the house, drops off the suppers to her & then goes for a quick shower telling her that it was an awfy close call. But not mentioning the curly wurly I'd left in the garden. Supper had then off to bed. Sunday, she's hanging the washing out, next thing she's walking in holding her shoe, telling me some dirty c**t's dug must have shat in our back garden & she stood in it whilst hanging out the washing. I've not laughed so hard in such a long time. I never told her it wasn't dog shit. Grimbo Eta is regurgitation allowed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kerrdavidson95 Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Never. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I got caught desperately short in Islington in the mid Nineties and climbed into a back garden for a dump behind a bush. There were a men in suits walking about looking officious, so I made a hasty retreat and wasn't spotted. Turned out it was Tony Blair's back garden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I'd like to recount my experience of shitting on a train about 2 years back. I'd settled in on the Edinburgh to Manchester heap and had just left Carlisle when I got an urgent text from down below that all was not well and I should move my arse. Not keen but this train was an hour from Preston and didn't stop. I made my way to the nearest bog - out of order. Down to the other end of the train to the "big" toilet. There was a queue - not good news. Whoever was in there was having their own problems but mine were becoming frantic. I was trying to release pressure but that meant farting with all the risks that posed in terms of this rancid liquid making an early guest appearance. And I had to stay in the queue. I was on the cusp of no return, tears in my eyes when the door opened. What a fuckin state the place was in. My predecessor had some sort of condition which required the use of much ointment. The sink was full and blocked. Water sluiced out and across the floor with every vibration. Normally this would all have pointed me towards "f**k it I'll hold on" but on this occasion not a f**k was given - albeit there was a queue behind me. Anyway, I unclenched and released. It was incessant - multiple flushes job in part to try and mitigate the smell. After some minutes I emerged. There were about 4 people waiting to whom I apologised for what was an utter fucking disaster zone before strolling off down the train almost skipping with relief - content that when I got off that train I'd never see any of the poor b*****ds again. So, shiting on a train is a horrendous experience best avoided. But if it absolutely has to be done, look positively upon the experience. Your clothes are still capable of being worn and you don't need to give a f**k about the next c**t to use the place because they're just collateral damage in the wider scheme of things. By contrast, I went for a shite in the office yesterday, opened the trap door and was hit by some sort of plague-like smell. I wretched and thought "f**k this for a laugh" before walking straight back out. That's the difference between choosing to shite in a public place and having to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Shat in a piece box in a site hut in RAF Lossiemouth once. Bogs were miles away and I wasnt going to make it. I had to hide the lunchtime surprise in a box of blueprints. No idea if it was unearthed. Maybe it became an integral design feature of a Tornado hanger. Which, funnily enough, is exactly what I call the lavvy in my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 P&B loves a good turd thread. God only knows why the last big one was locked. If you think train toilets are bad, stay away from plane lavvies, especially towards the end of a long-haul flight. They should let you use an oxygen mask once you get past hour six. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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