welshbairn Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 "Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?" "So sorry monsieur, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm." "Well why don't you just stick it up your arse?" "I do monsieur, but I have to serve customers occasionally..." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 What do you get when you cross Mexican alcohol with American literature? Tequila mocking bird. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Koop Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 22 hours ago, NewBornBairn said: The motto of the French navy is "To the water! It is time" or "a l'eau c'est l'heure" Could you repeat that please. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination ? HAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEEE 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willie adie Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 Why wasn't Jesus born in Insch? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 9 minutes ago, Willie adie said: Why wasn't Jesus born in Aberdeen? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Lambies Doos Posted December 22, 2017 Share Posted December 22, 2017 What do you call a cake hiding out in a bakery?A mince spy 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 For sale - full set of encyclopaedias. No long required. Got married. Wife knows everything. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 9 hours ago, tamthebam said: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa... Or the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic? Lay a awake all night wondering if there really was a dog. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 Never took his sacking well. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayrshire_nomad Posted December 26, 2017 Share Posted December 26, 2017 Never took his sacking well. Shocking news about Garry Monk, keep him in your thoughts at this difficult time 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black and White Tragic Posted December 27, 2017 Share Posted December 27, 2017 Three mates down the pub Billy, Mickey and Dave are enjoying a few beers. The chat then turns to Billy's sex life. He says it's been a bit boring with his missus, Jane, for years. Same missionary stuff, three nights a week and special occasions like his Birthday he might even get oral.Dave says, "have you tried buying stuff from Ann Summers?" Billy says, "No, we tried that and she wouldn't wear the stuff I bought and put it in the bin!"Mickey then pipes up, "when Margot and me were having a lull in bedroom activities, someone suggested that I get her to pick out a porno that has all the stuff in it that she'd like to try but has been too shy to ask for. We'd then watch it together and we'd copy what we saw on screen. It was amazing, I think we even ended up doing a good chunk of the Kama Sutra".Billy says, "I think I'll give that a go, Jane has always had a lack of confidence and that's probably why she's not too adventurous." He heads off home with new found enthusiasm.The next Friday, they're all back in the boozer. Mickey turns Billy and asks how he got on with the advice. Billy says, "well when I first put it to her she was a bit reticent, but she went away and had a browse of the internet. She came back to the bedroom with downloaded movie on a stick. I plugged it into the TV and there was a blonde, very similar looks wise to Jane, sensually stripping off and then lays on the bed and begins pleasuring herself while her man watches on. We start to do the same. I'm really getting into this now..."Mickey says, "that's great, so it worked a treat..."Billy interrupts, "No. That's when the 5 big black men came in". 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out. Thanks, Aunt Bessie. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 On 23/12/2017 at 00:26, tamthebam said: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa... or the dyslexic rugby scout? He went to New Zealand and came back with Joanna Lumley. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Stanton Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa... or the dyslexic football fan? He went to South Africa and blew into a Zulu's vulva. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Why did the surfer get out of the water? Because the seaweed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 12 hours ago, Arch Stanton said: or the dyslexic football fan? He went to South Africa and blew into a Zulu's vulva. 2 Dyslexic Plumbers; One asks "Can you smell gas?" The other replies Spoiler Smell gas? I cant even smell my own name! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted December 30, 2017 Share Posted December 30, 2017 This new year I’m going to do something different said Paddy 3 years ago I went to Rome and Mary my wife got pregnant 2 years ago I went to Benidorm and Mary got pregnant Last year I went to Lanzarote and Mary got pregnant Mick says . So what are you going to do this year ? Paddy replies I’m taking her with me 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said 'I'm good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete in a tournament just yet' 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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