The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[GordonD]

48 minutes ago, jagfox99 said:

Three shites on the pavement. Which one's The Musketeer?

The Dark Tan Yin...

The clean version of that joke is about shoe polish...

[John Lambies Doos]

What you call a guy with a one inch dick?

Justin

[Granny Danger]

Just now, John Lambies Doos said:

What you call a guy with a one inch dick?

Throbber.

 

[John Lambies Doos]

 

I was actually referencing it pre errection

[throbber]

I almost lost my job on my first day working as a roofer, fortunately the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.

[Fide]

Two cows in a field.

One says "moo"

Other one says "I was just going to say that"

[Brother Blades]

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but strangely,Abu Dhabi do.

[alta-pete]

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but strangely,Abu Dhabi do.

No, No, no....

Despite being adjacent to one another, there's a fundamental difference to the acceptance of Western culture in Dubai and Abu Dhabi.

Take the imported US television programmes for example, say, The Flintstones. It seems the people in Dubai don't get it, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[Brother Blades]

No, No, no....

Despite being adjacent to one another, there's a fundamental difference to the acceptance of Western culture in Dubai and Abu Dhabi.

Take the imported US television programmes for example, say, The Flintstones. It seems the people in Dubai don't get it, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

Aye, I could have typed all that out but I'm hungover.

[nsr]

You could have just waited and copy-pasted his.

[Brother Blades]

Linford Christie walks into a pub in Alabama, orders a pint of lager, racist landlord replies that he doesn't serve black people, but there is a pub 10 minutes down the road that serve his kind....Linford is disgusted and has an outburst "don't you know who I am, I'm Linford Christie, former Olympic 100m champion"
"Ok, 5 minutes down the road then."

[Brother Blades]

Mike Tyson is down on his luck & starts charging $100 for a handshake & photo opportunity.
Englishman walks in, Tyson says, "I'm Mike Tyson, I used to be worth $100m , heavyweight champion of the world & I only f**k white women" English chap nods in agreement, gets his picture taken & leaves.
Scotsman is subjected to the same tirade, gets his picture taken & leaves.
The Irishman walks in & again is subjected to the same egotistical speech.
Hours later, the irish mans friends find him lying on the sidewalk, thrown out of Mikes suite the hard way, 5 stories up, they ask, what was different from your meeting?
Paddy answers, "when he said I only f**k white women, I agreed and said if I had $100m, I wouldn't f**k n****ers either"

[Cerberus]

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

Buccaneer.

[AL-FFC]

I went for a job as a blacksmith the other day the interviewer said to me have you ever shoe'd a horse,

i replied no but i told a donkey to f**k off once

[AL-FFC]

Paddy and Mick are doing a crossword paddy says to mick "how do you spell orange" paddy answers ' which one the colour or the fruit"

[GordonD]

1 hour ago, AL0011 said:

I went for a job as a blacksmith the other day the interviewer said to me have you ever shoe'd a horse,

i replied no but i told a donkey to f**k off once

Hate myself for this, but 

1 hour ago, AL0011 said:

Paddy and Mick are doing a crossword paddy says to mick "how do you spell orange" paddy answers ' which one the colour or the fruit"

Then Paddy says, "Old Macdonald had one."
Mick answers, "Farm!"
"Oh, that's good," says Paddy. "How do you spell it?"
Mick says, "E-I-E-I-O!"

[AL-FFC]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by excruciatingly painful headaches. 

When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for after castration. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife; his headaches just had to cease.

When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "Yeah, that's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Okay, sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, and...16 neck."

Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman, very matter of factly.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9...wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right again...how did you know?"

"It's my job to know," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat?"

Without hesitation, Joe said, "Yeah, go for it."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, I'd say 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?"

"It's my job to know," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, 
"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No, no, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
 

[John Lambies Doos]

John is driving home from work and gets a phone call from his boss 'John great news, you have been promoted to operations manager' fuckin yes crys John. Two mins later his phone rings again., 'John they've just made you operation director' fuk yes crys John; mind all wondering. Another 2 mins later phone rings again. ' John, it's the chairman here, we are promoting you to CEO' ya fuckin dancer cries John. John then loses control of his car and crashes into a tree. The next thing he remembers is a fireman shouting ' are you alright sir, what the fuk happened?'

To which John replies. 'Looks like I careered off the road'

 

 

 

 

[AL-FFC]

Prince Harry is said to be quietly upset that he's now going to be one further removed from the throne... He should really be worried that he's only a DNA test away from being cut out all together !

 

[AL-FFC]

I was'nt happy when I heard that Kate Middleton was pregnant again, but I've since had a complete change of heart and come around to the idea of a new royal baby. This lady told me today that for the cost of pampering one Royal prince, we could instead use that money to completely house and feed up to 2,000 more refugee's in this country. Point taken.