Moonglum25 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Yorkshire boy runs into house and says "Dad gonny take me to circus." Dad asks why and the boy replies because its his birhday. Both go to circus and have good time and on way out boy see a sign for the fair and says " Dad gonny take me to fair." Dad says "Been to circus now want to go to fair" and boy says it's his birthday. They go to fair have a good time and are driving home past a farm when they see a sign "Donkeys for sale" Boy says "Dad gonny get me a donkey" and the father says "Been to circus, been to fair and now want a donkey" and the boy says it's his birthday. Both go into the farm and they select a donkey and the boy proudly announces that he is going to call it w****r. Not having any other transport they tie the donkey's legs together and put it on the roof of the car and of they set. As they go round a tight corner the boys looks out the window and sees the donkey falling off the car and says to his father "Dad, wankers off" and the father says "Been to circus, been to fair...................................... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Three little ducks go into a Bar...... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?""No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."[emoji212] [emoji212] [emoji212] [emoji23] 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 In which room was Theresa May cryogenically frozen? The conserve-a-Tory. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 10 hours ago, nsr said: In which room was Theresa May cryogenically frozen? The conserve-a-Tory. If Gary Lineker did Xmas crackers...... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Ferrino Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Two peanuts walking in a park. One was assaulted. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 woman going to jump of a cliff on the west of scotland,sailor says, dont do it, i will stow you away on a ship and you can start a new life in america,3 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain,he asks her, what are you doing on my boat,she replies, 1 of your sailors is stowing me away to america,he brings me 3 meals a day and in return i let him f**k me every night.the captain replies, oh he is fucking you alright, this is the dunoon ferry 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 What's the difference between Walt Disney and Patsy Kensit? Patsy Kensit but Walt Disney. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 1st scientist 'What's your thoughts on deja vu?' 2nd scientist 'We've already had this discussion.' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She started walking faster, so I walked faster. She started running, so I started running. She started screaming, so I started screaming. I never did find out what we were running away from. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Lad walking down the road gets mugged by two fellas and puts up a tremendous fight, finally the get the better of him and empty his pockets."64p, you fought like an animal for 64p?""Oh you can keep that, I thought you were after the £400 in my sock" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 There's a knock at the door and Davie goes to answer it, he opens the door and there's a snail. Davie picks it up and launches it down the garden and goes back to his tea.Two days later there's a knock at the door, Davie goes to answer it opens the door and there's a snail."What the f**k you do that for?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 My mother always told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghettiYou should've seen her face when I drove pasta 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 My mother always told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghettiYou should've seen her face when I drove pasta 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 This tortoise is ambling along a footpath when, from nowhere, a gang of snails appeared, attacked him and beat him up. The police were sent for and proceeded to interview the tortoise. "So, can you tell us exactly what happened here", one of them asked. "I'm not sure, officer", replied the tortoise. "It all happened so quickly" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 A snail is sitting on a tortoise's back. He shouts, "WHEEEEEEEEEE!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 A tortoise wanders faraway from home and is confronted by a Polar Bear. The bear says to him 'I know you from somewhere' The tortoise replied 'I don't think so, I not from here' The bear replied 'I'm sure I know you, take your bunnet off' The tortoise obliged and the bear jumped up and down and declared 'you're Niki Lauda' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I got chatting to a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pearbuyerbell Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 1 hour ago, LincolnHearts said: I got chatting to a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! ^^ Craig Thomson. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 4 minutes ago, Pearbuyerbell said: ^^ Craig Thomson. Never saw that one coming. Honest. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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