The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[Bishop Briggs]

Hamish walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:" 

 

[BigBo10]

Think I've seen the same ex lawyer. "Heading into Glasgow sheriff court on a Monday morning and there's this 12 year old boy on the steps swigging out of a bottle of Buckfast. I said do you know it's only 10:00 in the morning. He said do you know my papa lived till he was ninety? Did he drink buckfast at ten in the morning? I asked. No he minded his ain f&@?in business. "

[niketon]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

[Newbornbairn]

What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?

 

 

Having tits and no girlfriend.

[GordonD]

Airdrie woman goes into Anne Summers to buy a vibrator. She looks round the shop and says, "I'll take that rid yin, That looks like it'll fit me."

The shop assistant says, "That's the fire extinguisher."

[Ebanda's Handyman Services]

10 hours ago, niketon said:

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

Firmly falling into the "So bad, it's good" category.

[Bishop Briggs]

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, “What’s a four letter word, ending in U – N – T that means’ woman’?”

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. “*A*unt, your Holiness.”

The Pope didn’t speak for a second. “Oh.” He paused. “Do you have an eraser?”

[Ya Bezzer!]

Fair cop gov, this is knicked from the last episode of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

A woman is at the funeral parlour making final arrangements. She goes to see her husband one last time and then rushes off to find the funeral director. "Excuse me! I couldn't help notice my husband has been dressed in a blue suit. He absolutely hated blue suits! Would it be possible for him to be buried in a grey suit? The only thing is I've given away all his clothes to charity". The funeral director replied "I'm terribly sorry that this mistake has been made and I'll certainly do everything within my powers to fulfill your request."

The next day is the day of the funeral, the hearse arrives with her husband and the wife of the deceased goes to talk to the funeral director again. "Were you able to change my husbands suit?" she asks him. "Yes" says the funeral director. "By complete chance just after you left another bereaved family noticed that their loved one had been dressed in a grey suit and requested that he be dressed in a blue one". He continued "All we had to do was switch the heads".

[Cardinal Richelieu]

On 11/30/2016 at 20:13, Bishop Briggs said:

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, “What’s a four letter word, ending in U – N – T that means’ woman’?”

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn’t even bother to look up. “*A*unt, your Holiness.”

The Pope didn’t speak for a second. “Oh.” He paused. “Do you have an eraser?”

I don't think bishops should be telling jokes like that. And I should know. I'm a cardinal. 

[GordonD]

A guy about to make his first parachute jump is surprised to see a blind man climbing into the plane. He sits down next to him and says, "Listen, I don't want to poke my nose in, but you're not going to be jumping, are you?"

"As a matter of fact, I am," says the blind man. "I've made about a dozen jumps in the past."

The man says, "Well, that's great, but... how do you know when you're about to land, so you can prepare yourself?"

"It's easy," says the blind man. "I just wait until the dog's lead goes slack."

[GordonD]

The Queen is touring a military hospital and goes into a ward where there are three patients. She stops by the first bed and asks the doctor who's showing her round, "Who is this man?"

The doctor checks his notes. "Airman Jones, your Majesty. He's a pilot. Suffering from haemorrhoids."

"Oh dear," says the Queen. "Charles often suffers from those - probably explains why he's in a bad mood so much of the time. And what treatment has been prescribed for him?"

"Wire brush and Dettol," says the doctor. "With all the cutbacks we can't afford an actual operation."

The Queen turns to the patient. "And what is your ambition, my man?"

The patient says, "To be cured of this embarrassing condition, your Majesty, so I can sit in the cockpit of my fighter and protect your Majesty's domain against its enemies!"

"Wonderful," says the Queen, and moves on to the next bed. The doctor says, "This is Deckhand Smith, your Majesty. One of your Jolly Jack Tars. I'm afraid he's suffering from a sexually transmitted disease. Despite all the warnings, he had an encounter with one of the women who frequent the harbour area. Nobody to blame but himself."

"It must be extremely painful," says the Queen. "At least if Philip is to be believed. And what is his treatment?"

"Wire brush and Dettol, like the other bloke. As I said, the cutbacks..."

The Queen asks the patient, "And what is your ambition?"

The patient says, "To get rid of this humiliating disease, your Majesty. I can't wait to get back aboard my ship and fight your Majesty's enemies."

The Queen moves on to the third bed. The doctor says, "Sergeant-Major Brown, your Majesty. He has nodules on his vocal chords so can't issue orders to the men."

"That must be extremely frustrating," says the Queen. "Don't tell me - wire brush and Dettol?"

The doctor nods and the Queen says to the patient, "And what is you ambition, my man?"

The patient replies in a hoarse whisper. "To get hold of the wire brush before those two dirty buggers!"

[Wilky1878]

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit!

[GordonD]

It's an Old Form cup final and to get the best of both worlds the SFA invite the Pope and the Queen to attend. As they're waiting for the game to start, the Pope turns to the Queen and says, "Watch this - I can get half of the crowd to cheer!" And he stands up and blesses the Celtic end, which naturally goes nuts.

The Queen says, "That's nothing. I can get the other half to cheer even louder!" And she stands up and head-butts the Pope.

[GordonD]

Jimmy and Jack were twins, but they weren't identical - far from it. They looked like the before and after photos in those old body-building adverts. Jimmy was a skinny thing, while Jack was well-built and muscular. As a result, Jack seemed to attract women without making an effort - everywhere he went they would cluster round him, while poor Jimmy struggled and even when women approached him - usually because he was standing next to Jack - he found it difficult to talk to them.

However the two were the best of friends and Jack always did his best to help Jimmy out, though it was rarely successful. One day the two planned to go to the beach. Jack knew that as soon as he stepped onto the sands, wearing his swimming trunks, the women would come flocking and hopefully Jimmy would benefit from the overflow, so to speak. Unfortunately as they were about to set off something cropped up and Jack found he had some business to take care of first. He said to Jimmy, "You go on ahead and I'll meet you there. But in the meantime we need to do something to give you an advantage. That skinny body is what's holding you back. We can't give you muscles but we can make you look a bit more of a stud - get a potato and pop it down your swimming trunks and you'll look a bit more macho."

Jimmy set off and Jack took care of his business, then headed for the beach to find his brother. It didn't take long: though the beach was crowded there was a large circular gap at one point, as if people were trying to keep away from some unpleasant object. Right at the centre sat Jimmy, looking miserable. He got to his feet as Jack approached.

"This is all your fault," he said. "I did what you told me - I got a potato and stuck it down my swimming trunks, but as soon as I came out of the changing rooms people started screaming and running away. You said it would attract the girls but nobody will come within twenty yards of me!"

"I'm not surprised," said Jack. "You were supposed to put the potato down the front of your trunks!"

[Wilky1878]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[Cardinal Richelieu]

Similarly...

Two blokes in the pub. One says wistfully "Awww. My girlfriend will be on the plane by now".

"Oh right. Is she going somewhere nice?"

"Just the garage. She's taking a couple of inches off the kitchen door".

[Bring Your Own Socks]

Hard Boiled sweet and Opal fruit are sitting in a pub and HBS is bragging about how hard he is. Just then, the pub door swings open and in saunters Tune. HBS immediately dives under a table much to the surprise of Opal Fruit. Tune bowls up to the bar, lifts somebody's pint and gulps it down in a oner, does a 180 and walks straight out the door.

"Here you", says Opal Fruit to HBS. "I thought you were the hardest sweetie in this pub, according to you?"

"Am ur" says HBS "but see that Tune, he's just pure fucking menthol"

[jagfox]

What do you call a woman with two fannies?

Spoiler

Jedwards mum

 

[Wilky1878]

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their first big hit was the wall.

[jagfox]

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour? 

Spoiler

Corduroy