The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[buchan30]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[The Mantis]

8 hours ago, buchan30 said:

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Heard it before but have a greenie anyway, made me chuckle.

[GordonD]

Guy walking through his local park sees two men in Council overalls. One is digging a hole while the other watches.  After a few minutes the second man takes the shovel and fills in the hole again. They move a few yards away and go through the routine again. Meanwhile our guy is wondering what the hell is going on. Finally he can't resist any longer so he goes up to the pair and asks what they're up to.

"Ah, we're planting trees, sir," says one.

"Trees?" replies our guy. "I don't see any trees!"

"Ah well, you see," says the workman. "Our mate who actually puts the trees into the hole is off sick at the moment."

[HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows]

Why did the Baker have brown hands?   

He kneaded a shit.

[HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows]

How do you make a ouji board?

Take away his knives and his valium. 

[LincolnHearts]

Does anyone on here know much about drones?

Bought this one at a boot sale last week, but can't get it to work.

 

[Bishop Briggs]

Q - What was the difference between Maggie Thatcher and Ted Heath?

A - Thatcher shafted the miners and Heath shafted the minors.

[LincolnHearts]

My young nephew asked me how babies are made.

I had no idea how to approach it, so I looked online and found a video that explains it all.

At the end of the video I told him, "It's basically just like that, only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny, and normally there isn't a horse involved"

[tamthebam]

A Tim Vine one I heard the other day:

I thought there was a toucan in my back garden yesterday but it was just a magpie eating a banana.... 

[Cerberus]

What type of bird can’t handle its bevvy?
Toucans

[The Equalizer]

Teacher: “Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.”

Wee Jock (a typical Glasgow nyaff) thinks, “Ya dancer! Ah’m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come oan the noo, a lang weekend fir me.”

Teacher: “Right class, who can tell me who said, ‘Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. “Yes Jeremy?”

Jeremy (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, it was John F Kennedy during his inauguration speech in 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes round and wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender’?”

Wee Jock’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: “Yes Timothy?”

Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): “Yes Miss, it was Winston Churchill in 1941 during his Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes round and wee Jock is really hyper. He’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes.

Teacher: “Who said ‘ One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?”

Wee Jock’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, “Me Miss. Me Miss. I know. I know. Me Miss. Me Miss. Meeeee.”

Teacher looking round picks Rupert, sitting at the front. “Yes Rupert?”

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): “Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong in 1969, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: “Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Now wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk over and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming, “Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?”

Teacher looking round the class: “Who said that?”

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, and on the way out replies,
“Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday!”

[sugna]

9 hours ago, The Equalizer said:

Teacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the Brie cheese’?”

dirty dingus, the James McClean Sponsored Poppy Thread, 2016.

[Fide]

9 hours ago, The Equalizer said:

Teacher: “Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.”

Wee Jock (a typical Glasgow nyaff) thinks, “Ya dancer! Ah’m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come oan the noo, a lang weekend fir me.”

Teacher: “Right class, who can tell me who said, ‘Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. “Yes Jeremy?”

Jeremy (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, it was John F Kennedy during his inauguration speech in 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes round and wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender’?”

Wee Jock’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: “Yes Timothy?”

Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): “Yes Miss, it was Winston Churchill in 1941 during his Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes round and wee Jock is really hyper. He’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes.

Teacher: “Who said ‘ One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?”

Wee Jock’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, “Me Miss. Me Miss. I know. I know. Me Miss. Me Miss. Meeeee.”

Teacher looking round picks Rupert, sitting at the front. “Yes Rupert?”

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): “Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong in 1969, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: “Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Now wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk over and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming, “Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?”

Teacher looking round the class: “Who said that?”

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, and on the way out replies,
“Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday!”

Christ.

[GordonD]

1 hour ago, Fide said:

Christ.

No, he said "Where the f**k did all these Roman b*****ds come from?"

[Jamaldo]

What's an ISIS fighter's favourite main course?

Raqqa lamb.

[Fide]

13 hours ago, Jamaldo said:

What's an ISIS fighter's favourite main course?

Raqqa lamb.

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his DVD's?

In iraq.

[GordonD]

1 hour ago, Fide said:

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his DVD's?

In iraq.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

[Fide]

Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac is marrying William Shatner and is keeping her name but taking his.

So she'll be Stevie Shatner-Nicks.

 

[weewilliewinky]

spock his three ears....left right and final front ear.

[weewilliewinky]

i would hate to be on the uss enterprise all you do is circle your anus whilst wiping out cling ons.