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The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity


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Paddy goes into business as a window cleaner. He puts a notice in the window of the Post Office: WINDOWS CLEANED - FIRST FLOOR AND ABOVE £2 PER WINDOW; GROUND FLOOR £5 PER WINDOW. Somebody asks him why ground floor windows are so much more expensive. He explains, "Well, that's because I have to dig a hole first to put the ladder in!"

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"I do," says Paddy. "The whole fecking bed by the looks of it!"

Edited by NewBornBairn
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7 hours ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus. 

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.  Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is"

This works in a Jamaican accent as well as an Irish one.

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Paddy and Shamus again - sumboiz.

Paddy and Shamus are walking along the riverbank one day when they come to a bridge.  In the middle of the bridge they see a man holding another man's ankles over the edge. "What's happening here?" asks Paddy. "Well" the guy says "It's a new way of catching fish.  I hold my mate's ankles here.  He dangles just above the river.  When he sees a fish, he gently lowers his fingers into the water and softly tickles the underside of the fish.  They stop moving because they're so relaxed, my mate then flips them up here and that's it!" 

And true enough, there's a big pile of fish next to them. "That's fucking amazing Shamus" says Paddy "Let's have a go ourselves!"

So the next day they go to the bridge.  Shamus says "Right Paddy, you grab my ankles and lower me in, when I've got a fish, I'll let you know!"

"No bother Shamus!" Says Paddy.

So Paddy slowly lowers Shamus over the side of the bridge.

Ten minutes passes. Nothing.  Half an hour.  Nowt.  2 hours go by.  f**k all.

All of a sudden Shamus shouts "Paddy, pull me up!!"  "Aaah, have you got a fish?" says Paddy,

"No" says Shamus "There's a train coming!"

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Ryanair founder Tony Ryan is on a short stopover at Dublin airport so decides to have a pint. He orders a Guinness and Richard the barman recognises him and starts telling him how much he enjoys the business strategy etc of Ryanair. Mr Ryan is chuffed to bits and asks how much the pint is. "One Euro" says Richard. Tony is even more chuffed and says it's great that the bar is following the business strategy that has made his company such a winner. "Thanks a lot" says Richard. "Now, will you be wanting a glass with your pint?"

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Teacher asks the class to produce a sentence with the word contagious in it 

Wee Mary says "  my wee sister had the chicken pox last week and mum wouldn't let me play with her because she said she was contagious "

Well done Mary said the teacher , anyone else ?

Wee johnny says " my mum won't let my dad cut the grass because she says it takes the contagious " 

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