GordonD Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 Paddy goes into business as a window cleaner. He puts a notice in the window of the Post Office: WINDOWS CLEANED - FIRST FLOOR AND ABOVE £2 PER WINDOW; GROUND FLOOR £5 PER WINDOW. Somebody asks him why ground floor windows are so much more expensive. He explains, "Well, that's because I have to dig a hole first to put the ladder in!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 This Paddy bloke must have some length of cv 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 Paddy calls Ryanair to book a flight.The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your fecking plane!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 (edited) Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?""I do," says Paddy. "The whole fecking bed by the looks of it!" Edited September 12, 2017 by NewBornBairn 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Connolly Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 7 hours ago, Melanius Mullarkey said: "B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is." "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy. "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is" This works in a Jamaican accent as well as an Irish one. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 What's the difference between jam and marmalade ? You can't marmalade your cock up a girls arse 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 2 hours ago, Mark Connolly said: This works in a Jamaican accent as well as an Irish one. Then it would be racist. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 Paddy and Shamus again - sumboiz. Paddy and Shamus are walking along the riverbank one day when they come to a bridge. In the middle of the bridge they see a man holding another man's ankles over the edge. "What's happening here?" asks Paddy. "Well" the guy says "It's a new way of catching fish. I hold my mate's ankles here. He dangles just above the river. When he sees a fish, he gently lowers his fingers into the water and softly tickles the underside of the fish. They stop moving because they're so relaxed, my mate then flips them up here and that's it!" And true enough, there's a big pile of fish next to them. "That's fucking amazing Shamus" says Paddy "Let's have a go ourselves!" So the next day they go to the bridge. Shamus says "Right Paddy, you grab my ankles and lower me in, when I've got a fish, I'll let you know!" "No bother Shamus!" Says Paddy. So Paddy slowly lowers Shamus over the side of the bridge. Ten minutes passes. Nothing. Half an hour. Nowt. 2 hours go by. f**k all. All of a sudden Shamus shouts "Paddy, pull me up!!" "Aaah, have you got a fish?" says Paddy, "No" says Shamus "There's a train coming!" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Connolly Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 8 hours ago, Granny Danger said: Then it would be racist. Is it not racist if it's Irish? And what if it's a Jamaican telling it? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny Danger Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 7 hours ago, Mark Connolly said: Is it not racist if it's Irish? And what if it's a Jamaican telling it? Duh. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 Bought a dog from a blacksmith. He made a bolt for the door. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. A slate falls from a roof and slices Paddy's ear off. Murphy finds it and says : " Paddy, is this yours?" "No", says Paddy. "Mine had a pencil behind it" Edited September 17, 2017 by ICTJohnboy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 How do you milk sheep? Release a new iPhone. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Ryanair founder Tony Ryan is on a short stopover at Dublin airport so decides to have a pint. He orders a Guinness and Richard the barman recognises him and starts telling him how much he enjoys the business strategy etc of Ryanair. Mr Ryan is chuffed to bits and asks how much the pint is. "One Euro" says Richard. Tony is even more chuffed and says it's great that the bar is following the business strategy that has made his company such a winner. "Thanks a lot" says Richard. "Now, will you be wanting a glass with your pint?" 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 Teacher asks the class to produce a sentence with the word contagious in it Wee Mary says " my wee sister had the chicken pox last week and mum wouldn't let me play with her because she said she was contagious " Well done Mary said the teacher , anyone else ? Wee johnny says " my mum won't let my dad cut the grass because she says it takes the contagious " 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Old MacDonald was an incredibly stupid man who would take overly hot baths. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 On 13/09/2017 at 07:04, Mark Connolly said: And what if it's a Jamaican telling it? Then adythin would be aaaaaaaarite. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unleash The Nade Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Why does Edward Woodward have 4 d's in his name ? Because Ewar Woowar sounds fucking stupid 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 I was sacked for stealing kitchen utensils from my restaurant. One of friends was a manager and asked me how I could be so stupid to get caught and I just had to tell him I'm sorry, it was a whisk I was willing to take. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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