Dee Man Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 What's blue and white and swings through the jungle? Tarzan the fridge with a denim jacket on. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 (edited) A zoo keeper had to clean out the piranha tank one day, but somehow contrived to accidentally killed one, hoping that no one would notice, he just threw it into the lions enclosure to dispose of the evidence. Next day he was tasked with tidying the chimpanzee cage, but didn't see one and accidently trampled on it, same story again - into the lions enclosure. Day after that he had to collect honey from the beehives but the clumsy b*****d knocked over a hive and crushed it. Same once more, throw it into the lions when nobodies looking. Meanwhile a new lion is being delivered, and his first question to the others on arrival is if the food is any good? Spoiler "Aye not bad to be fair, so far this week we've had fish, chimps and mushy bees" Edited June 13, 2017 by deej 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I went with my wife to one of her school reunions. She and her old school chums started calling each other by the nicknames from their school days. They kept referring to my wife as satchel. Turns out she was the school bag. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Man Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 4 minutes ago, Fae_the_'briggs said: I went with my wife to one of her school reunions. She and her old school chums started calling each other by the nicknames from their school days. They kept referring to my wife as satchel. Turns out she was the school bag. That's great, but do you know any jokes? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 How do you make a Swiss Roll?Push him down a mountain. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 1 hour ago, deej said: Two monkeys get in a bath, one says "ooh ooh ah ah" The other says "well put the fucking cold tap on then" Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?" The other says, "yes, it does rather" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street."I've never come this way before." says the one in the front."Must be the cobbles" replies the one at the back. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 4 hours ago, Dee Man said: I'm sorry Eednud but I have seen this joke told exactly like this on several occasions throughout my life and each time I have had to kill the moment by pointing out that it would actually have to land on you first. If you simply watched it falling out the tree from a safe distance then your life wouldn't be in danger. A drunk oozie armed zombie fridge who doesn't like falling out trees? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shandon Par Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 It was my anniversary the other day (true story dat). Took the missus to a sex shop and said I'd treat her to any vibrator she wanted. She pointed and said "I'll have that one". "Which one?" I asked. "The big red one on the wall" she said. I said "that's not a vibrator it's the fackin fire extinguisher".[emoji767] Roy Chubby Brown, a long time ago 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Guy standing at a bus stop. The bus arrives and he pulls out his glass eye and bounces it hard on the pavement then catches it. Repeats two or three times till the driver loses patience and asks wtf he's playing at. "Just checking if there's any seats upstairs". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Man Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 (edited) It's April the 1st and a guy has been told to sit in the corridor outside his wife's room in the hospital due to complications in the birth of their first child. Any time a member of staff enters or exits the room he asks for any updates on the birth but each time he is told that they will inform him if there's any news. As each hour passes he grows more and more concerned about the health of his wife and soon to be newborn child. After eight hours he is nervously pacing up and down the corridor when a surgeon appears from the room with a big smile on his face - "Congratulations, you are now the proud father of a bouncing baby boy!" - "Seriously? Thank you so much. Can I go in and see them now?" -"Na, April Fool, your wife and child are dead". Edited June 13, 2017 by Dee Man 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 6 hours ago, Dee Man said: What's got 100 legs and 6 teeth? Reveal hidden contents A methadone queue. Were they going to see Daniel O'Donnell? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bold Rover Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 5 hours ago, Fae_the_'briggs said: I went with my wife to one of her school reunions. She and her old school chums started calling each other by the nicknames from their school days. They kept referring to my wife as satchel. Turns out she was the school bag. AKA Raleigh. -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 nicked from the Pars fans' website: I burned my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have had it on aloha heat... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 2 hours ago, Dee Man said: A guy has been told to sit in the corridor outside his wife's room in the hospital due to complications in the birth of their first child. Any time a member of staff enters or exits the room he asks for any updates on the birth but each time he is told that they will inform him if there's any news. As each hour passes he grows more and more concerned about the health of his wife and soon to be newborn child. After eight hours he is nervously pacing up and down the corridor when a surgeon appears from the room with a big smile on his face - "I have some good news and bad news Sir!" - "Seriously? What's the bad news?" -"I'm afraid the baby was born ginger" -"OMG! What's the good news?" -"It died!" FTFY 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Guy says to his mate, "Remember that girl we both shagged at the office party last year? Well, she had twins but mine died." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I had a hard time getting over my addiction to Hokey Cokey. But I turned myself around that's what it's all about. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Scot's English and Irishman are arguing on a beach when an old oil lamp washes up, they pick it up and fight over it but accidentally rub the lamp during the scuffle and the genie of the lamp appears from a puff of smoke. The genie says to the 3 of them "I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you three wishes". The genie turns to the Scotsman and asks "What would you like to wish?" The Scotsman turns and looks at the Englishman and says to the genie "You know whit?, see that border between Scotland and England? Could you make it a mile high wall". The genie nods his head and says"tis is done". The genie now asks the Englishman "what would you like to wish?" Looking at both the Irishman and Scotsman he says to the genie " that wall between Scotland and England that muppet asked for, could you make it a mile high border all around England to keep these c***s out". The genie nods his head and says "tis is done". The Genie finally turns to the Irishman and asks him to make the final wish. The Irishman takes his time to think and then says to the genie after the Englishman harasses him to hurry up "that mile high border around England". The genie replies "yes". "Could you fill it with water" says the Irishman. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Old joke here. A head and I mean just a head turns 18 on his birthday and his dad takes him to the pub for his first pint. The dad proudly tells everyone at his local watering hole that this was his son and had just turned 18 and was having the boys first ever pint with him. The dad asks for two pints and a long bendable straw. He places his son on the table and gives the boy a straw to drink from. A few pints later the dad needs to go to the loo for a pish. Whilst in the toilet having a slash a massive fight breaks out and the father runs out of the toilet looking for his son. He shouts out "Son where ur ye?" and a few more times until he hears his sons voice from a pile of broken pub furniture. He rushes over and picks up his son all bruised and bleeding and asks him "Son, whit the f**k happened". The boy replies "Da, a fight broke oot and some fucker shouted out stick the heid intae thame and the next thing I knew I was flying in the air and then I blacked oot until noo". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Two drovers standing in an outback pub. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ah. I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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