JustOneCornetto Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 For Sale notice in a local rag Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica 45 Volumes, Excellent Condition £500 ono Reason for sale: Got married last week, wife knows everything. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness...' 'Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I would like to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on: 'You've got $27,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $3,000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'She has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting a new kitchen’ 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched their heids.' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Spoiler He worked it out with a pencil. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 How do you confuse a walloper? Spoiler Purple. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 This laddie comes in from school and says "dad, what's a coconut dug"? "Nae idea son, where did you hear that?" "Well just coming back from school there I saw a big crowd in the street and I pushed to the front. There were these two dugs stuck together and I heard this man say "Jesus Christ, look at the coconut dug" " 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkeyblair Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 On 31/05/2017 at 10:59, Melanius Mullarkey said: Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes How this post remained without a greenie until now just beggars belief. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkeyblair Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 What does DNA stand for? National Association of Dyslexics 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 "Prison" is just one word to some, but to others it's a whole sentence. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 1, 2017 Share Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) Wee laddie: "Mum, does the woman next door come to bits?" "No son, where did you get that idea?" " I heard dad say he would screw the arse off her". Edited June 1, 2017 by The Mantis 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted June 2, 2017 Share Posted June 2, 2017 Wee boy says to his mum, "Mummy, the lady next door nearly went to Heaven when you were out!" His mum is shocked and says, "Did she have an accident?" "No, I heard her shouting so I looked in her window. She was lying on her bed shouting, 'Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm coming!' And the only reason she didn't go to Heaven is that Daddy was lying on top of her holding her down!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 Little Jimmy really loves tractors, he has tractor toys, tractor wallpaper, tractor bedding, tractor pyjamas, basicly everything he has is tractor related. When playing in a nearby field he stumbles across a real tractor, with no farmer around little Jimmy decides to have a sit in the tractor and pretends to have a drive. Suddenly out of nowhere the farmer arrives "Oi you ya little c**t!! Get the f**k oot ma tractor!" This upsets little Jimmy, he runs home, heart broken and pulls down his wall paper. He no longer likes tractors. 2 weeks pass and little Jimmy has a new found love; Fire engines! Everything he owns is to do with fire engines. Across the road from little Jimmys house, a fire breaks out at another house. Excited with all the fire engines, Jimmy goes down for a closer look at them. His attention is distracted however by hearing the firemen talk, "The smoke is too thick and the mother and baby are still inside, we cant get in" Little Jimmy interupts and said "I can help, trust me!" So the firemen, with no ideas left, let him help. Jimmy walks up to the door opens the letter box, puts his mouth up to it and sucks all the smoke out. The mother and baby are saved, Jimmy is a hero! The fireman asks Jimmy "That was amazing, how did you do that?" Spoiler "Im an ex tractor fan" -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I went round to my fiancee's house the other night. Her sister answered the door in sussies and a low cut bra which was struggling to hold her ample chebs. "Anne's gone out for a few hours. This is our big chance, the wedding is next week. I've been gagging for it ever since she brought you home. Quick, come upstairs and give me a right good seeing to." I immediately ran away back out to the car. Seconds later, they were all at the front door, fiancee, mum, dad, the lot. They'd been hiding behind the door the whole time. "Congratulations" they all shouted. "You've passed our wee test! It's wonderful that our Anne will have such a faithful husband." Moral of the story - always keep your condoms in the car. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Still on tractors, did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 On 31/05/2017 at 11:39, johnnydun said: How do you confuse a walloper? Hide contents Purple. I don't get it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 A lorry load of wigs has been shed on the M8 near Blackhill, Glasgow. Police are combing the area for clues as to how it happened. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AberdeenHibee Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Here mate, Went to a seafood disco the other night... Pulled a muscle. My favourite bad joke. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilky1878 Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Here mate, Went to a seafood disco the other night... Pulled a muscle. My favourite bad joke. Got to admit my favourite bad joke is: Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the shop. Did you find that funny? (Await person replying "no") Neither did the chicken cause the shop was shut. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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